FOUR THINGS THE INTERNET CAN TEACH YOU

1. I WAS WRONG ABOUT KELLY OSBOURNE

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I said Kelly Osbourne made the funniest song of all time with that date rape one? Well this one (which she wrote for her mother Sharon) is SO MUCH better! Skip to 3:15 and prepare your ears for some remarkable singing.

This is the perfect example of somebody believing their own marketing (see also: this song by Sporty Spice). I almost feel sorry for her. She must have spent her entire adolescence being told she was this unique and talented snowflake (covered in studs and screen printed skulls), and then she pours her heart out and it is revealed to be a shallow talentless nugget of puke.

2. KATY PERRY IS A MASTER OF DELICATE DOUBLE ENTENDRES

Speaking of musical self-trumpings: Remember that Katy 2 sexy 4 kidz Perry song "Milk Milk Lemonade" I talked about a few weeks ago? Well, it never made it to her new album. Apparently they thought it was "a bit much." Fortunately, (for us) they decided to replace it with this exercise in subtle innuendo.

Just in case it's unclear, "peacock," in this case, is slang for "penis."

3. KANYE WEST = TRACY JORDAN

Some genius realized that if you put the term "Liz Lemon" in front of Kanye West's Tweets, it turns it into a Tracy Jordan quote. Then some other genius made this Twitter bot that automatically does it for you. Thanks internet!

On a side note, my boyfriend claims that Tracy Morgan is only funny because of the distance between his nose and top lip. I dismissed it as "stoned nonsense" at first, but I just Google imaged him and now I think the theory has some credibility. Right?

4. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS AN EVEN BIGGER DOUCHE THAN YOU THOUGHT

The uncommonly smooth Justin Timberlake is a man of many trades: actor, singer, fashion designer, philanthropist, beatboxer, Man United supporter (THX Wikipedia), boob exposer, fragrance designer (I assume he is, I didn't check), and dress like Ellen-er.

But earlier this year little Justin began to feel unfulfilled. Unhappy with the tequila that was already commercially available, Justin decided to travel to the mysterious sounding Tequilera Newton distillery in Jalisco, Mexico in order to "create the juice that would eventually become 901 Tequila."

Oh and he also directed a few RIDICULOUS commercials for it. This is my fave. It seems very deep. And possibly slightly over my head? I think it probably deals with themes of "sexiness" and "fake ice cubes" and "the way high school students always inflect the wrong parts when they're reading Shakespeare."

JAMIE LEE CURTIS TAETE