We Reviewed Literally Everything You Sent Us, Volume 21
It’s a scientific fact that the best time of the week occurs between 4 PM and 8 PM on Saturday, that sweet spot when you’re far enough from work on both sides while easing into the carefree joy of Saturday evening with your friends and loved ones (and maybe with a few late afternoon cocktails). Another scientific fact about time is that the best time of the month takes place on whatever random Tuesday we put out an open call for submissions on our Twitter, in which Noisey editors offer to review literally whatever you send us (or at least try to, some of what is submitted is pure garbage). What started as a cruel joke from one of our former staffers because he thought it’d be funny to wreck someone’s mentions has evolved into a monthly tradition during which we get to look at a lot of selfies and photos of people’s dogs (and, you know, listen to some music) while asking ourselves the age old question: what the fuck are we doing this for? So on that note, let’s go.
Eric: Pretty bad!
Andrea: The maze wasn’t meant for you.
Kim: Mama tried.
Eric: Seems like a good thing to exist and I’m not sure why you’re in our mentions about it but I wish you the best.
Andrea: Internships are great, as long as they’re paid and you’re not just making coffee for industry bullies.
Kim: Unless these internships are paid (and nothing on your website implies that they are), FOH.
Eric: I like how everyone has the same demented facial expression.
Andrea: Sassy. Lush.
Kim: Do a webcomic.
Eric: Sounds like it belongs on SoundCloud. Is that a flute? Anyway this sounds like it was made in a dorm room which I do not mean as disrespect, please keep following your dreams.
Andrea: Got a little somethin for everyone. Except Kim. Would dig more nuance and dynamics.
Kim: This is nightmarish.
Eric: I don’t really have any opinion on his name changes over the years, but remember when he punched Drake?
Eric: You forgot to attach it.
Andrea: That’s more qualifications than the rest of the Noisey staff!
Kim: You’re hired.
Eric: This is twisted and I do not really like it!
Andrea: Did you ever see that 'Twilight Zone' where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?
Kim: Mazel tov!
Eric: Probably the only thing dorkier than cryptocurrency is rap music based on cryptocurrency. When you’re eventually richer than the rest of us, please forget this comment and take care of me.
Andrea: We already did this, god bless Kyle Kramer.
Kim: Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me? Go join a sports team, you absolute nerd.
Eric: Best photo of Dave Grohl I’ve ever seen, and I bet he would agree.
Andrea: Would wear this as a T-shirt.
Kim: My heart just grew three sizes. Tell your daughter I’ll see her in the pit.
Eric: This sounds very much of a certain era, and there are a lot of good ideas in here, but I still wanted to turn it off immediately. Your new music is probably a lot better.
Andrea: This feels like you’re trying to make what you think hip-hop should sound like instead of what you actually want to make. But your new stuff is probably better.
Kim: I appreciate your embrace of old-timey slang on “Legs” but otherwise this is… a lot. There’s just a lot happening and none of it appeals to me. I need guitars!
Eric: Which one are you? I hate this song.
Andrea: This reminds me of this extremely annoying Hendricks gin commercial that plays on repeat when I’m trying to stream FX shows. But you killed it by dint of not wearing a fedora.
Kim: You look like a short-haired version of my ex-boyfriend, so I need to exclude myself from this narrative.
Eric: This is the kind of music that I don’t like to get when we do these calls because it’s actually good and most of the time I just like to use this space to crack jokes but I guess, right now, the joke is on me. Cheers.
Andrea: Yeah, this is good. But we need to talk about your band name. Please don’t do that stupid missing vowel thing.
Kim: I dig the lo-fi, rough-and-tumble feel you’ve maintained here, even with the cleaner guitar tones; I’m picking up on some post-punk influence, too, which spices up the usual garage punk formula (the vocalist sounds desperate and half-drunk, too, which I’m very into).
Eric: I’d like to watch this while on some sort of psychedelic.
Andrea: Just not a fan of flash animation in general, sorry. This also reminds me of the Hendricks gin commercial.
Kim: This was a little hard to follow, but overall, a really dazzling, creative little film - the colors felt overwhelming at first but flowed like rainbows by the end, and Carson’s story won me over (especially her time with the circus sideshow). Very cool, thank you for sharing it with us.
Eric: This was sent to us by a former VICE music editor who now runs a PR company specializing in helping weirdos, which is something I can get behind. And honestly, this video is great.
Andrea: Well this is awkward. She pitched me this video and I turned it down because I didn’t have time. It’s great, go forth and watch.
Kim: This is like a brilliantly lit mashup of Missy Elliot’s “Work It” and Awkwafina’s “My Vag.” Miss Eaves is out here asking the hard questions—to wax, or not to wax? I appreciate her conclusion, too, and to paraphrase it in more Satanic terms: do what thou wilt with thine own bush.
Eric: Wearing Adidas on a trip to In-n-Out. You really know your audience, huh? Anyway this isn’t really that good but keep rapping because there’s something there.
Andrea: Can I have that visor?
Kim: Which Migo is this?
Eric: At least you know it’s shitty?
Andrea: Don’t couch your work in preemptive apologies or self-critiques. If you’re taking the time to make stuff, own it. Everyone sucks at anything at first. You’re good at drawing. The text is overly self-conscious. Say what you mean and you’ll get better.
Kim: I can’t draw so am nominally impressed.
Eric: Looks like a great commuter.
Andrea: I don’t know how to ride a bike.
Kim: Neither do I.
Eric: Zeus looks excitable.
Andrea: Need to review in person.
Kim: He looks to be about 1/16 the size of my dog which means you should probably just get 15 more of him.
Eric: There seems to be some discussion in the comments of this tweet on whether or not it should’ve been submitted. I’m one song in and I don’t want to be a dick here but I would say that, yeah, it probably shouldn’t have been submitted. Sorry!
Andrea: Bold move for sure.
Kim: I was going to say a bunch of mean stuff but then saw my friend Ben commenting on the thread and don’t want him to know what a monster I really am. Hi Ben!
Eric: You wrote a cocktail recipe book and called it a book, OK.
Andrea: I can’t read.
Kim: Send me a galley. And some bourbon.
Eric: There’s a whole lot of music out there, huh? This album sounds like a combination of every late 90s rock trend that I heard on the radio growing up in Western Iowa. Maybe grab a copy of that guy’s cocktail book and try a different career.
Andrea: You look like mixologists.
Kim: How you gonna write a song called “Holy War” and have it sound this weak?
Eric: Oh great here’s David trying to get his photo on Noisey for the second time.
Andrea: Above Grohl, below Hasselhoff. Number one in our hearts.
Kim: 100/10, love you buddy!
Eric: Good beats. Corny raps.
Andrea: Kim thinks you’re hot.
Kim: Just swap out all the music here for some generic Satanic black metal, then call me.
Eric: Somebody’s been listening to Plain White T’s.
Andrea: Well aren't you just a regular Captain Corelli.
Eric: I don't know why this is here or why it was submitted.
Andrea: If I had a nickel for every pixel in this photo, I’d have five nickels.
Kim: Is this Deadpool?
Eric: Would’ve been kinda tight in 2010.
Andrea: Could just be the name, but this reminds me of something I’d hear on like, a “chill” mix at Urban Outfitters.
Kim: I’m not qualified to comment on this but I do hate it, so, there you go.
Eric: I’d like to see this as an emoji.
Andrea: Did you know that horses are the reason pants exist? Joke’s on you pal!
Kim: This is the equine version of a Canadian tuxedo, and I respect it.
Eric: Genuinely can say that we received maybe more dog photos than music submissions.
Andrea: This dog is OK.
Kim: 145/10, would play tug-of-war with until my arms broke off.
Eric: Oh so this is cloud rap.
Andrea: Can't knock him for loving females. Stop using “v” instead of “u.”
Eric: Better fit than the first submission (sorry Peter).
Andrea: Trump’s most trusted advisers.
Eric: Take acid instead.
Andrea: Or mushrooms.
Kim: I used to tour with a bunch of hard-living heavy metal bands so I feel like I shouldn’t answer this...
Eric: This is inoffensive and I feel bad that I can’t muster up anything else to say but in my defense we are almost to the end and I’m getting pretty tired.
Andrea: Would potentially sidle up to this at a house party.
Kim: I would never disrespect Philly and this jawn seems fine, so, good work, sir.
Eric: You have a lot of good ideas and I think you should keep working at them because they're pretty raw but there is something there.
Andrea: Make it weirder.
Kim: The artwork is mad pretty, I’ll give you that.
Kim: I would absolutely have a beer with this guy.
Eric: Some people really want to be famous.
Andrea: This is just a not-even-thinly veiled grab to go viral. We see you, DQ’d.
Kim: Why do you guys hate petty revenge so much? FUCK HER UP, JEFF.
Andrea: He just wants that sweet, sweet Noisey click.
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This article originally appeared on Noisey US.