FATBERG, A RECIPE
ā A bunch of sanitary napkins and condoms
ā The grease from your takeaway dinner, the orange stuff that clings to the plate
ā All the fat from your roast, decanted
ā Every time you order chips and the place that makes the chips pours the chip grease away? Whenever that happens: all of that
ā Assorted gold teeth, gold watches, syringes, cocaine: just assorted crap
ā To serve: a slurry of shit and piss
Flush a wet wipe down the toilet and hope that thing snags on the rough wall of a sewer, or something. Make sure you get "flushable" wet wipes, which every wet wipe technically is. Flushable just means you can flush it down a toilet. It doesnāt mean it degrades in the pipes of our sewers. Literally: like 1 percent of wet wipes on sale in the UK degrade in the sewers. The rest just sit there, pulsating, growing.
Well, see, now you want to flush a whole bunch of grease down after the wet wipe. The wet wipe (snagged, remember) will collect grease and fat around it like a froth, all of it floating above the slurry of shit and piss that otherwise churns its way through the sewers every day.
Okay, now a couple of months have gone by and the wet wipes have been joined by a few more wet wipes, all knotted together, and fat pulses through the proto-berg, and the whole thing is a sort of lump, alive in a way, floating and collecting and calcifying and floating and collecting, more wet wipes, now more fat, now throw a really long trail of toilet roll in there, now more fat, more wipes, fat, wipes, fat, wipes, slurry, wipes, fat wipes slurry fat wipesā
After about a year youāll have a fatberg some kid has to get out of the sewer with a fucking spade. Congratulations: you did it. You somehow made your wasteā¦ more disgusting than it already was.
AS: Um. No. Not that I know of.VICE: Could you hide a body in a fatberg, do you think?
AS: Um. [interview ends]
AS: Errā¦ yes. So it depends whatās going into it: itās not just the fats and the grease, you find some other pretty quirky stuff going in there. So, the big Whitechapel fatberg ā you know those small blue pens you get at the bookies? We found lots of themā¦ someone had obviously had a bad day at the bookies and flushed away their sorrows. We find false teeth, glasses, gold watches, gold teethā¦ you name it. We even found a toilet.
VICE: A toilet?
AS: Yeah, they obviously hadnāt flushed it down theā they lifted a manhole and shoved it down the sewer. But yeah.
VICE: Suppose thereās some sort of logic to it, in a way