Some Questions for That Viral Ass Eating Threesome at an EDM Festival

So maybe you've seen the video. It's from Ohio's Lost Lands Festival and it features two dudes laying back in the dirt as a pantyless woman shuffles between them, letting them go at her like labradors eating cereal. It's compelling viewing, but it actually wasn't the first ass eating video to emerge from Lost Lands. Actually, crazily, this one came first.

This video appeared two days earlier with the title: "Ass eating contest at Lost Lands, can't make this shit up folks." Basically a woman lays on a bench, a guy sprays whipped cream all over her ass, and then the guy gets down to business. Not full-on Berghain business. More like medium-grade fraternity business. Actually, the grossest part is how much cream he eats in the hot sun.

Anyway, the guy later got embarrassed, because he posted some weird rant on Facebook claiming it was all for charity. "We raised $2,255.80 for hurricane relief in the first two days of the festival," he wrote, probably for the benefit of a furious girlfriend. "We have been working directly with feeding Florida." Anyway, the post made no sense but if you want to learn more about the guy's humanitarian work, you can.

And then this second and infinitely more offensive ass eating video came about, and it's wild.

It's the same festival but this time it's three people. And most importantly, this time the ass eating is real, foul, and honest. The woman dances while they do it. The dancing is awkward. She knows people are watching. A girl screams "WHAT THE FUCK?!" The video goes for one minute and 46 seconds and in that time the woman sits both directions on both faces, lights one cigarette, and gives one high five to a stranger walking past in a singlet. It's a fantastic study on how to look utterly self conscious while trying to appear bulletproof to judgment. It's also probably not for charity.

Now, it's hard to not watch this and ask yourself some questions. Questions that will probably go unanswered. Except that it's my belief that if we look closely, there are answers buried in the details. So let's ask those questions and try to find some answers.

There's a moment at 1:06 where the woman stands up and fake-slaps both dudes. It's not an S&M kind of slap either. It's a playful but embarrassed slap that says "You GUYS! Why are you making me do this?!" But then the rest of the time she's grinding into their faces and is all very public-sex-fucking-YEAH, which makes that one moment of responsibility deflection look false. Because there's some backwards logic to what they're doing.

Based on the timing of the video, it's likely the three of them heard about the humanitarian peace keeper bro who rimmed for Florida, and they felt competitive. Actually more than that. They wanted to send that chump a message. You get the sense these people are Burning Man regulars and they'd think that pretending to eat ass in Ohio is lame. Why not just do it for real? So that's what they're doing, even if sometimes they realise it's embarrassing.

No they did not. There's no way this sloppy affair involved forward thinking. That creamed ass performance art thing, those wankers washed. But these ass-eating puritans wouldn't have sat around the campsite, doing shots and planning. They didn't wash. They don't give a fuck. I mean, I wasn't there, but I'm certain the whole thing came about around 28 seconds before the video started rolling. I'm tipping that they were sitting around discussing how black your snot gets at festivals and then the MD came on hard and they just ran with it.

Also have you ever rimmed someone? Have you? Because while it's a universal truth that most people are down for gross shit if they feel comfortable enough, no one ever plans to eat ass. I mean, maybe those cream pie psychopaths from earlier, but no one else. Instead what tends to happen is that you're just down there, you know, messing about and then you're like well, fuck it. And then you're eating ass. And you can't wash because you can't plan, and that's because talking to someone's face about what you'll do to their anus is so much weirder than just doing it.

Probably the best thing about this video is the reaction of the crowd. Most notable is the young woman who yells "WHAT THE FUCK?!" in the first 2 seconds and then sits down to watch for the entire video's duration. She treats the event like she's 13 years old, discovering French cinema at a slumber party. She's doing that "YUCK, GROSS, WHAT THE FUCK?" thing but then watches really intently. And while she's an extreme example, this is probably how most people feel about public sex.

Public sex is intriguing. Tasteless, but… intriguing. You look, you look away, and then you want to look again because it gives you that FOMO thing down in your bones. Not because you want to join in, but because… maybe because you want to look again. "That's so gross," you say to anyone who's listening, and all your friends agree. But there's something about it. Public sex just flies so hard in the face of social acceptability that you want to know more. It's like serial killers. Like serial killers are so wrong, but you'll watch and read anything about serial killers. Also it's just a type of sex, so that's good, right? Like it's wrong sex, but not wrong in an ethical sense. More just socially wrong, so that's technically fine.

So I guess this kind of inside-out thinking is why no one stopped them. But I guess no one stopped them because also the guys were licking the woman's butt, and in a festival setting that's just unhygienic. And that's probably the true reason.

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