Sexpo is the yearly Comic Con for people who like fucking. Because I’m extremely single and have the mindset of a teenage boy, it’s something I’ve been gunning to check out.
Walking around, the obvious question would be to ask performers, models and punters what their ultimate fuck-jam is. But we also wanted to know the length of a song that people could fuck to. A 45 second Anal Cunt blast, a 12-minute epic psych jam or an hour long drone from Sleep's Dopesmoker album?
Peter and Jamie attended last year’s Sexpo and have plans to make it a yearly tradition. But with Peter challenging himself to the “No-Nut-November”, a month free of masturbation, it seems odd that he’s at an event that involves naked bodies covered only with tassels and a 20 foot dick ride named ‘The Shafter’. It seems the young stud is into 'non kink' discipline.
He tells me that he loves listening to Eric Clapton when having sex. He loves Clapton so much, he can last to “Cocaine” and “Layla” back-to-back. I pray for him that it’s the radio cut, and not the ridiculous live versions. Jamie’s more of a funk dude, preferring to bone out to the entirety of Funkadelic’s “Maggot Brain”. I wasn’t sure if he meant the album or song but after finding out that the album goes for 53 minutes, I’m pretty sure he meant song.
The MyFreeCams gals were working their brilliant online teasing magic. Billie Fox was donned in goth attire with killer eyeliner. So it made sense that Marilyn Manson is her fuck jam. “Every goddamn time. Manson gets me in the mood and keeps me there,” she told me. I suspect that Manson's horniest album The Last Tour on Earth is on heavy rotation within the cam rooms, and that Billie can definitely last the whole 70 minutes to the "God of Fuck".
Lisa Ann is one of the world’s biggest MILF porn stars and so the line to meet and pose for photos with her was longer than ‘The Shafter’. But Lisa Ann is a straight-up, business-orientated bad bitch who has cornered the global oedipus market. And she doesn’t give a fuck about music. “We never listen to music on set, it’s just not a thing. So, I’m not really used to it”. I asked what she can last to at home. The theme for ESPN's Sports Centre. Absolute baller, that's 3:24 seconds of serious gameplay.
It’s weird to be sitting on a beanbag beside legendary porn star Ron Jeremy. I asked what song gets him hot. “I’m a Yogi. Of course, it’s Enya. Always Enya" is his response. The thought of Ron Jeremy maintaining an erection to “Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)” makes me feel uncomfortable. Actually, sitting this close to Jeremy makes me feel uncomfortable.
Whatever. From ESPN to Enya I’ll never listen to these these tunes the same way again. Sign me up for next year!
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Ron Jeremy has been accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women. This was not acknowledged at the time of this article's publication.