Hi I'm the Fat Jew

Something you may have noticed earlier, or may be noticing right now, as we tell you this, is that this month's DOs & DON'Ts are not written by us. Well, technically they are by us, but us now includes a certain bonhomme of particular renown. His name is the Fat Jew and he will now introduce himself to you, thusly: This month’s DOs & DON’Ts are written by me, the Fat Jew.

I’m New York City’s fanciest, sleaziest, hunkiest, ruggedest, bummiest, and sauciest. I’m the ugly Rob Lowe. I’m one-quarter of the rap group Team Facelift—we’re a mix between Barbra Streisand and Wu-Tang Clan. I’m into pedicures, Tony Danza, honey mustard, ribbed turtlenecks, loofahs, not giving a fuck, frenzied behavior, tasteful floral arrangements, Jewish girls from Long Island, making poor decisions, shrimp in baskets, depression, cheap champagne, penny loafers, and watching drunk white girls at bars singing “Juicy.” I wrote these in the nude while surrounded by scented candles (sugar-cookie scent). You’re welcome.