Stuff

Question of the Day: How Fucking Hot Was Perth Yesterday?

"Hot, but not hot enough to move to Melbourne. It would have to be 160 degrees, and raining acid, and all my family would have to be dead."
11 February 2016, 12:34am

It's stinkin'. It's scorchin'. Drop as many g's as you want, Perth has gone into full meltdown with the longest string of 40+ degree days since 1933. It's hotter than a dead dingo's donger, and the sea breeze doesn't make it as far as Perth's beloved huddle of inner suburbs. Parliament is talking of changing the state flag to a half melted Bubble-O Bill icy pop, with a single tear running down his sun-stroked-cowboy strawberry-swirl face.

So yesterday, with the heat making everyone in Perth look and act like a deranged jungle extra in Apocalypse Now, we hit the pavement to ask on-point questions like "why the fuck is it so hot?" and "how 'bout this BULLSHIT heat?"

Isabel, 22, 'book girl'

VICE: How 'bout this heat?
Isabel: It sucks, I guess?

What would you say to the sun, like, you're in a shitty relationship and you want out?
Dude, chill the fuck out! But I do need it to grow my beautiful flowers.

Who do you feel more sorry for, the elderly or your underpants?
The elderly's underpants.

If you could pick anyone to die in a fiery hellscape, who would it be?
A VICE freelancer.

Ouch. Which made-up Banjo Patterson quote best describes this heat?
It's hot by the riverbank... and I've got a big beard. And the creek bed's done dried up. And I've got a silly hat.

That was poetry. Okay, how will you celebrate when it finally cools down?
Can you put "cunt" in this?

Go on then.
I'm going to get fucking cunted.

Last question, how much more of this heat would it take for you to move to Melbourne?
It would have to be 160 degrees, and raining acid, and all my family would have to be dead. I'd basically be an entirely different person. There's no beach there. And you can't walk on the streets because they constantly getting slammed with jizz because everyone is wanking all the time.

Are you saying Melbourne people are wankers?
Yes.

Pema, 22. Activist, literature student, vaccinated.

What's the deal with this heat?
It's not as hot as yesterday. But it was 38 degrees at 7 o'clock yesterday morning.

If it was possible, would you tell the sun to fuck off?
No, because it's not the sun's fault. It's our fault. The reason it's so hot is because we've been screwing up the environment since the industrial revolution. And those people that go on to blame cows? Well there's so many cows because we breed them for meat.

Because they're yummy.
Yeah, they're yummy. And we slay them. And there's many reasons.

Who do you feel more sorry for, the elderly or your underpants?
The elderly! My underpants aren't sentient. As far as I know... they might have live cultures.

If you had to have any Australian personality have their face melted off by this heat, who would it be?
Does it cause them pain?

Yeah, they die. It's like Indiana Jones.
Janet Albrechtson. No, I want to kill a man because I generally prefer women. Peter Dutton? Yeah Peter Dutton.

What Australian idiom best describes this weather?
Cunt?

I'll take it. What did Perth do to deserve this heat?
They elected Colin Barnett who went on to name the new jetty... quay thing... after the monarch. And it's a sacred Aboriginal site. Pretty insensitive Colin, I can't even be sarcastic about it.

What's worse, the heat or the people talking about it?
I like talking about the heat, it's a genuine release. But I don't want to read a whole article about it. It's just worthless clickbait. Sorry.

Max, 20, book salesman

How hot is it right now?
It's not too hot in front of the air-con.

If you could have any Australian celebrity/politician have their face melt off in this heat, who would it be?
Shane Warne. Because I feel like his hair would melt off. It's plastic enough. Like his hair would just melt down his face. Then regrow. Because it's good hair treatment.

Working in a shop in Fremantle, have you noticed a heat induced spike in the insane?
A lull in the insane. Oh shit look, a seagull is coming in the store. Fuck. This has never happened. No wait, it's leaving. That has never happened before.

What Australian idiom best describes this heat wave?
Some sort of outrageous swear word combination that doesn't really make sense.

Alice, 24, icecream saleswoman

How are you feeling about this heatwave?
Maybe just a little bit tired. But it's beautiful here.

You're new in town?
Yes. Just five months.

You're from Europe. How are you finding this in comparison?
It's just different. You can't compare.

How's it been for the ice cream business?
Wild, some days.

Would you ever return to Europe because of the weather?
Maybe some different place but not to Italy.

Do you think Australians go crazy in the heat?
Yes. Beer. Drunk people. They're crazy! Australian people, when you are drunk, you are really weird. Sometimes scary.

What do you guys do to cool down?
Maybe we do the same things. But in different ways. We don't go so crazy. We drink and party and go to the beach. Just a bit less wild. You can drink your drink on the road and smoke wherever you want. It's different.

Ruby, 25, dancer

Hey Ruby, how 'bout this heat?
It's going to be 38 tomorrow, so I'm going to have to take my jacket to work.

What would you say to the sun right now?
I might do some They Might be Giants: The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, etc.

If you had to leave a puppy or an endangered animal in a boiling car, what would it be?
How endangered are we talking?

Five left.
Well endangerment is bound to happen anyway. Why not my car instead of somebody else's.

Which Perthonality does this heat-wave most remind you of?
Maybe Tim Winton, because he gets me a bit hot under the covers. He doesn't, I hate Tim Winton. Or Craig Silvy if you can't find Tim.

Would you rather overheat in a nonna Midland Brick house or an outer suburbs corrugated tin shed?
The nonna house. At least with the nonna house there might be some potential grape vines or olive trees for harvesting.

Which classic Perth advertising personality would you least like to see die as a result of this maddening heat? Luigi from WA Salvage, the Rugs a Million man, or the Aqua Duck?
Luigi, because I feel like I've shown him to my interstate friends, and I'm quite attached to him. And I love his doo-rag.

Sara, 26, Nurse

Hot, isn't it?
It's a bit of a drag because when you go the beach, the sand is so hot you have to do that awkward hop-skip-run dance and drop your towel and leap on it every 5 meters. Then the shallows are full of stingers who love the warm water, and you get mauled by stingers. You think the beach would be good. It's actually horrible.

You're a nurse. How has the heat affected your work?
It's a delight in one sense because of the air conditioning. But the older conservative nurses make a big thing about closing the blinds and making sure the aircon isn't wasted, they say "the young ones don't know how to do passive cooling." I don't know, it's a bit annoying.

If you could have any Australian personality have their face melted off by this heat, who would it be?
[Really long pause] That guy who was in Big Brother who became an actor. His face. Blair? Blair from Big Brother. A guy from 2004-2004 Big Brother, I think he came fourth? I can't think of anyone else. Yeah, him.

Do you think the heatwave is linked to Elizabeth Quay?
Definitely.

How hot does it have to get for you to move to Melbourne?
I would say that my face would have to melt off.

Ros, 64, Retiree

What do you make of this weather?
Honestly, it hasn't been like this since I was a kid. There was a summer in 1955 like this. But my brother was born in the heatwave of 1933, which this one has just overtaken for most 40 degree days.

Do you think this is going to happen every summer?
If so I'm going to jump into the Swan.

Do you think Perth will one day become uninhabitable because of extreme weather?
Not in my lifetime, but probably be in yours. Sorry about that.

How is the dog coping?
Buckley is beside himself. He just wants to play, he runs around the house once, grabs his ball, then flops down and passes out. It's how we all feel really.

Would the heat ever make you move to Melbourne?
Piss off.