This is the VICE Interview. Each week we ask a different famous and/or interesting person the same set of questions in a bid to peek deep into his or her psyche.
I am going to put my cards on the table: there is no celebrity dearer to my heart than Charlotte Crosby, the puking, pooing Crown Princess of Geordie Shore. These days, you might know her better as the co-host of MTV's latest piece of landmark television, Just Tattoo of Us; or as the winner of Celebrity Big Brother series 12; or maybe you're aware of her work as a Sunday Times bestselling author—because she's been one twice now.
As she's currently promoting her second autobiography, Brand New Me, we hung out in central London on a drizzly Tuesday afternoon—just after she'd been soaked to fuck on Radio 1's Innuendo Bingo—to chat about pissing, shagging and blue whales, amongst other important topics. And as one of the millions of British women who fell in love with Charlotte on Geordie Shore for her warm personality and incredible wit (not least because her presence meant that there was finally someone on TV who was as much of a liability after six double vodkas as the rest of us), I'm pleased to report that in person, she's exactly as fun as you'd hope.
VICE: What would your Mastermind specialist subject be?
Charlotte Crosby: Is that just any subject at all?
Literally whatever you want.
Animals. Under the water animals.
Do you know loads?
I don't know loads,, but I really like them and I've watched so many animal documentaries on them that I feel like I must be good. I love the blue whales because they're the biggest things in the sea. I really want to go whale watching in Sri Lanka.
Did you know that they sleep standing up?
Really? So they travel landscape but they sleep portrait?
Exactly. Anyway, would you rather change one day from your past or see one day from your future?
That is a good question. We always play Would You Rather and we struggle for what to say. I think I'd rather see one day from my future but I wouldn't want it to be a bad one. I want to see one happy day from my future.
Weeing in the shower: yes or no?
Yes. And in the bath. Just whenever. Weeing whenever. It's me! Weeing in the bed, weeing in the bath, weeing at the side of the road. Just wherever you need to.
If you could live in any time, when would you pick?
Dinosaur time. Imagine. But you can't get eaten or anything—you just walk around, they can't see you. Because you don't want to land there for ten minutes and then be eaten. Jesus Christ, what a waste.
Dogs or babies?
Dogs at the minute. I do like babies but I think it's going to be a long time before I choose a baby over a dog. I've got two dogs, Baby and Rhubarb.
How often do you lie when you're answering interview questions?
I never fully lie, but I'll twist the truth. But I never tell a blatant full lie. And it's probably in every single interview that I'll twist the truth a little bit.
Do you do it to sound more interesting?
I do it to avoid the awkward questions, to make it sound more interesting, and just when I'm really bored, I'll tell a lie. One time I did say I was going to go to America because I was going to become an actor, and it got picked up by every single person, and I've never lived it down. Because then it's more hassle having to answer all the questions about America now—"What's happening with America? When do you go?" For God's sake.
What conspiracy theory do you believe?
Area 51. I do believe there's aliens there, definitely. All the programmes that I've watched—I don't know what could be such a big secret.
What would your last meal be?
Cheesy chips and gravy.
Would you have sex with a robot?
Ooh. I feel like you kind of do when you have sex with a vibrator. Technically, you are having sex with a robot. So I'll go yeah. I have. With the vibrator.
Do you think your parents would have preferred you to choose a different career?
Yeah. So when I told them I was going into Geordie Shore, my mam was like, "No, I don't want you to, don't do it." I was like, "Right, well, I'm never listening to you." She wanted us to go to university. But now, they would never have looked back. They always say, "God, we're so proud of you, like, what the hell? You've done so much in life."
What was your first email address?
Charlotte underscore—I dunno why this was it—applesplash at hotmail dot com. Why applesplash? What the fuck is an applesplash?
Why did you break up with your first boyfriend?
My first boyfriend was called Aaron. He actually broke up with me. He was just a bit of an arsehole. I think he was probably cheating on us; he just got bored. It was a bit of a weird one because, then, I was never really that sad about it. My boyfriend that sticks out in my mind was someone called Ryan, and I did really, really love him, when I was like, 19, 18. He broke up with us and I was distraught. I just couldn't stop crying, I didn't go out, I lost about two stone. I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. When he broke up with us, he just said, "I just don't love you." He just stopped loving us. How can you stop loving someone? It'd only been, like, nine months.
How many drinks do you have to have before you're falling over pissed?
Four. Four and a couple of shots.
And that's it?
Well, it all depends on whether I've ate. It's a very dependable one. Because sometimes I'll go out and I haven't ate and I'm quite tipsy after like two glasses. It doesn't take very much, let's just say that.
When do you dislike yourself the most?
Sometimes I get in a mode where I start really complaining, and I'm just complaining and I'm moaning and I'm really hard work. And I really dislike myself when I'm like that—I wanna slap myself, but I can't get myself out the mood, it's really hard.
Where did you go on your first friends holiday and what did you do?
Magaluf. It was just a girls' holiday. Went to all the clubs, went to Pirates. Have you ever seen the show Pirates [it's one of those weird dinner shows they have in European holiday resorts for tourists]? How good is Pirates? Oh, it was so great—it was the best holiday ever.
Is university worth it?
I think that, in time to come, I would like to go back and study something. I'd really like to do it in photography and video editing. Like, putting videos together and stuff. But I think if you go to university and you want to get a job from it, you need to know what you want to do. Don't just go to uni and just pick something because you feel like you have to because you've got to go. If I was to start again, I'd start as a runner and work my way up. More than anything, I think it's a great job—you get to travel, you get to meet new people, it's always dead exciting, you're self-employed. But I would never have known about that at that age. So I just think I would have picked something stupid, and then regretted it.
In the last year, how many books have you read?
None in the last year. Apart from mine, but not head to toe because obviously I know what's in it. I've read about three books in my life.
What's your favourite?
Is there anyone apart from your partner you'd be comfortable being naked around?
Everyone. I'm naked all the time on Geordie Shore, and that's in front of millions of viewers. So I'm really comfortable with it. As long as it's not just a boy. Because I wouldn't like to be naked in front of a boy when I have a boyfriend. But any girls, I'm fine with it.
How long do you think you'd last in space?
Not long because I wouldn't want to go there.
Ah, I just don't want to do it. It freaks us out.
But if you got to go really deep under the ocean you would do that, right?
Who is more attractive, you or your partner?
Stephen. He doesn't need to wear makeup—like, on a night out I need to wear makeup; he can just go out.
But that's all boys!
Not all boys! Some boys are rank. But I suppose me and Stephen are evenly matched.
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