2019 Mood: Drinking Wine Out of a Pringles Can on a Scooter at Walmart

A Texas woman traced slow, wine-fueled circles around the parking lot for hours before officers arrived.

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15 January 2019, 4:08am

Modified photo via Getty Images / Composite by MUNCHIES Staff

This article originally appeared on VICE US

During The Dark Knight, the second flick in Christopher Nolan’s bat-trilogy, Gotham City police commissioner Jim Gordon has one of the series’ most quoted (and quotable) lines: “He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now,” he says of Batman.

The United States isn’t Gotham City, and we don’t have Christian Bale in a rubberized suit, but we do have this unnamed woman in Wichita Falls, Texas, and she is truly the hero that we, as a country, deserve right now. According to the Times Record News, on Friday morning, employees at a Wichita Falls Walmart called the cops to report a woman who was riding an electric cart through the parking lot, while allegedly drinking wine from a Pringles can.

This champion of Freedom and Upcycled Wine Receptacles was first seen at 6:30 AM, and apparently made slow but majestic circles across the pavement until at least 9 AM, when officers arrived on the scene. (Yeah, again, we deserve this. Two weeks into 2019, we’re stuck in the longest-ever government shutdown, and more than 30 million people have liked an Instagram photo of an egg. We. Deserve. This.)

The cops were told to look for a woman in a blue jacket and black pants, and although she had abandoned her own personal booze cruise, she was still in the same outfit when they found her. While she ate at a nearby restaurant, the cops told her that she’d been banned from Walmart, period, whether she was riding an electric cart or using her own musculoskeletal system to approach the store.

“The involved party was not arrested, she was simply barred from the address, which means that she was advised not to come back to the property. If she does return she could face criminal trespass charges,” Sgt. Harold McClure, a Wichita Falls Police Department spokesperson, told MUNCHIES. “When officers located the subject there was no evidence or probable cause to warrant any type of arrest.”

You’re still a hero, unidentified woman in black pants. And also, we hope someone else drove you home.

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