15 September 2008, 7:38pm

Hey it's Baby Balls. As you may or may not know I'm in the middle of a rap feud with Young Jeezy. I might end up dead, but for the time being the whole thing is kind of fun and exhilarating. I can totally see why so many rappers are into them. It all started when I asked Jeezy if he ever went to Freaknik, and then implied that the gender distribution at that storied collegiate institution was less than favorable to heterosexual guys. Maybe not the best foot to put forward, I'll admit, but the next thing I know he's dragging my name through the dirt all over the press, claiming that I take drugs and that I'm humbling and different. So now I have to shoot one of his friends or everyone will think I'm gay. Talk about your pains in the ass. Anyways, this thing has been a real learning experience for me, so I thought I'd just jot down a few primers I've picked up on "having beef" as the hardcore kids put it. Feel free to use them to start your own rap feud, or to avoid accidentally getting drawn into one if you don't have the time to deal with it.

1. Be white and, if possible, extremely scrawny and unshowered. A good model to shoot for is the type of person someone would call a "pecker" but NOT a "peckerwood."

2. Arrange an interview with a famous rapper.

3. Make no preparations whatsoever for the interview. Do not listen to the rapper's music the night before or even read his wikipedia page. You can have the producer give you a couple suggested topics in the car ride over, but ideally you should be walking into this thinking "Wait, am I actually ready to do an interview with this guy?" followed quickly by, "Of course I am, this shit's going to be a breeze."

4. Don't make eye contact with the rapper when shaking his hand. Instead, either pick a place on the carpet to fix your eyes or become absorbed in the spectacle of your tiny fingers being devoured within his enormous, muscular fist. Whichever one you choose, be sure to mumble something completely incomprehensible about the shape of the room you are both in.

5. Right before the cameras start rolling, wave your hand at the rapper like a three-year-old girl on a merry-go-round and cheerily say "Hello."

6. Ask mostly softball questions related to the rapper's hometown, but be sure to include one that makes it seem like you might be racist. Out of all the debatable things I managed to stuff into my sit-down with Young Jeezy, for some reason the boiled peanuts is the one question that everyone's seized on. Is this a thing? Honest question here. In the 20-odd years I've been eating boiled peanuts, I'm pretty sure that I've only ever bought them from weird mountain-folk types, but I don't know, maybe I just go to the wrong place. In any case, I stand by my assertion that those things are monstrously overrated.

7. After your last question, wait exactly six seconds, then silently shrug. Actually this on its own may be enough to effect a decent beef if done correctly. One time I was getting food at White Castle wearing a pair of pants that had a huge hole in the ass, and on my way out the door some teenage kid yelled "Hey faggot, what's up with your pants?!" I turned around to say something clever like "Eat shit," but I was already in that little airlock dealie with the two doors at the front, so instead I decided to do this shruggy "Whoopth" sort of dance that resembled the thing you do where you have your hands on your knees and then you slide them over to the other knee and back again. I did this for the entire length of the airlock and by the time I made it to the second door every single person in the restaurant was at the window, pounding the plexiglas with the back of their hands while giving me the finger. I'm not sure if any of them were rappers, but nevertheless it was a magical moment.

Anyways, I'm sure there are plenty of other methods by which you could embroil yourself in a heated rap feud that will end with your mother weeping over your coffin while an honor guard plays a bugle version of "Only Fools Rush In", but this one's mine and hopefully it will serve you as well as it's served me and the Jeez. Good luck!


PS: I still cannot believe the guy has had a posse called the Black Flag Crew for however many years and no one has ever thought to tell him about Black Flag. How weird is that?