Reviewing Porn Magazines Before They Die Forever

Why do people still buy porn in magazine format? I have no idea, so got a whole bunch of old school servo-style porn to find out.

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Sep 14 2016, 12:00am

They say print is dying—websites killed the newsstand star, or something to that effect. Porn is another victim. Why would someone now look for a photo of a naked breast in a magazine when there are literally millions more breasts online?

Maybe there's something to be said for the good old fashioned porno mag. Maybe 2017 will bring some sort of porn mag renaissance akin to the resurgence of vinyl. Millennials who've grown up wanking over 14 different Chrome tabs might start to chafe—physically and emotionally—and turn to a slower, more tactile masturbatory experience: the magazine. We went to the newsagent to find out. Why do these things still exist? And more importantly... could they make a cumback?

Pornographic magazines, as you may remember, come in this sort plastic shielding, which is exciting. When something is kept hidden, you want it more. Like top shelf liquor or death. When we peel off the plastic casing, this is what it reveals...

Great. The breasts are still censored. They have printed little emojis on the magazine cover. Why is there censorship on an already censored magazine? What kind of nanny state are we living in? The sort of nanny state that wants to hide the words "Bangin' Birds" from young eyes. Fair enough.

Before we read this material let's make one note—things aren't looking great for print thus far. We basically bought out the local newsagent's entire supply of these magazines, and only ended up with four. Also, now the modesty screen is gone, it's clear most of these magazines were printed at least five years ago. In fact, some of them look a decade old. This is a bad start, but it could get better. Let's go.

ESCORT #1 DVD

We're not actually sure if "#1" and "DVD" are part of the title of this magazine, and if they are, we're not sure if all three words are supposed to be printed in that order. It may actually just be called "Escort." Dn't know. This isn't what we'd would call "great" graphic design. But that is not what we're here for. We're here to see if there's a printed porn revival around the corner.

The first spread promises to "change the shape of your trousers tent forever" which is actually quite sinister, when you think about what an awful long time that is to go around with a misshapen trouser tent.

We're trying to get an idea of how old this magazine is, because there is no masthead or table of contents to display any sort of date. The first clue is a spread featuring Lara-Lee and Amber: it appears to be from around the time when digital camcorders were first made available to everyday Joes, because they are the central theme of the shoot—like they're a newfangled novelty. One caption says "God, look how clear this picture is Amber, I'm going to wank over this later." Really just JB-Hi Fi ad.

Here's what we stumbled upon nex: an order form for Maximus Penis Enlargement Pills. If you sent the form off, it's likely nobody would be there on the other end to receive it. You'd would be wailing into the void of average-sized cocks.

We did want to know if this company was still around, or if it had folded in some high-profile FDA scandal in 2009 or something. They don't have a website, but we found a review of them on a site called www.penile-development.com. As far as penis enlargement pill reviews go, this was scathing.

Maximus capsules were around for a short time and were not one of the better known products in the male enhancement industry. We are not aware of any retailers or websites still selling Maximus pills.

Is that not what you dread someone writing about me after you death? They weren't around for long, nobody knew them, and those who did say they were shit. Missed by literally nobody.

Then there's a section where girls have sent in photos of themselves. One is wearing a nike bucket hat. It's fresh. There is also then a segment called Union Jack-Offs. Also, instead of saying cum (as in ejaculate) they say "spray," and instead of saying cum (as in semen) they always say "spunk. The porno mag revival, if anywhere, is not here.

RATING: 6/10

ESCORT: READER'S WIVES ADDITION

There is a woman with a candle in her asshole on like, page two. It's burning. This magazine was clearly created in a time before people became well practised in self-produced, elegant pornography. It was before they knew how to make their asses look fat and their waists look little. It was before people had phones that could take photographs more than three pixels wide. (This is the Reader's Wives edition, meaning it's almost exclusively composed of fan submissions.)

There's an ad which urges you to get the Paul Raymond app. It's next to a photo of what we believe is the first iPhone. That came out in 2007, so this is actually way more current that we thought. We garner that Paul Raymond is the publisher, and their site is still up and running. It turns out Escort is still in circulation, along with sister magazines Mayfair, Club International, Razzle, Men Only and Men's World.

We're reaching the end of the magazine when we see the most upsetting sentence so for. It's in the ad section. One line reads: "Granny likes hot spunk in her old wet bucket" which is borderline character assassination. "Old wet bucket"?

RATING: 3/10

HUSTLER

Hustler is in the same family as Playboy and Penthouse, that is, it features articles. They've got an interview with Fiona Patten, truly a great woman, and a Carrot Top profile (lol).

LEFT: "Not tonight baby. You're gonna have a headache." RIGHT: "You want to talk after sex? Really?! The graveyards are full of girls who wanted to talk after sex!"

Those parts are good. The parts we do not enjoy, so much, are the cartoons. They suggest the Average Australian Relationship is deeply dysfunctional, and the dialogs people are having around sex are falling somewhat short. There's one where a guy basically threatens to murder a girl after she wants to talk after sex. In the other, a woman is about to beat her husband unconscious with a baseball bat. This should be, ideally, relatable to no-one.

To Hustler's credit, their photos are very nice. The spreads are well cast, and nicely lit. The photographs appear to have been taken on a digital SLR. They've also been lightly retouched. Then, sadly, there is this.

Holy fuck. You're going to tell us this is satire, and it's all a joke, but please... before you do that... just.... hush. Here is what the next page of the little spread says:

"It was because of our ability to go out working during the day that they had a roof over their heads, the latest kitchen appliances, food on the table and pretty dresses to wear....This collection of vintage ads makes us long for a period in history when all was right with the world. They show women happily accepting their rightful place in society as the subservient half of a successful marriage."

Jesus Christ.

RATING: 4/10

Okay we're done. That was a lot of content. A lot of different images just entered our eyes, and it has effectively reminded us of one thing: the difference between good and bad porn is really whether or not you wanna fuck the people you're looking at. 'Spose that's why the internet is the best place for porn: everyone can just look up exactly the thing they are into and watch that. Nice.

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