I once convinced an ex-boyfriend to let me fuck him up the ass with a strap on. We’d been dating for three years, the sex was getting boring—you know how it goes. Anyway, I did my due diligence, researching and picking out a supercute purple one that I thought would look great with my eyes. But he—being a huge pussy—backed out at the last minute, claiming it would be “emasculating.” I was crestfallen.
Ever since that big let down, I’ve been left with a severe case of penis envy. Not the self-loathing Freudian version, where girls want to steal their fathers’ dongs so they can screw their mothers, but a genuine curiosity concerning what it would be like to have a flappy member down there.
Miracles happen, I guess, because one sunny day a couple of months ago my editor here at VICE asked if I could help out with a photo shoot. I’d heard rumors about weird “initiation” rituals where interns are asked to drink jars full of bodily excretions, so naturally I was a bit hesitant at first. “Don’t worry,” she said, “it’s nothing weird. We just need you to pretend to have a dick and model penis-tucking methods that were submitted by a world renown tranny for our next issue.”
Next thing I knew, I was standing in hot pink mesh underwear in a fluorescent-lit room somewhere in the office, staring at three enormous sausage “dicks” of varying sizes, shapes, and odors. My editor was down on her knees, jamming one of them against my crotch while taping two giant tomato “balls” to my inner thighs. Once everything was fastened, a cute but ambiguously gay photographer started taking rapid-fire shots of my package, while I resisted the urge to start slapping the newfound appendage on any surrounding surface (or face).
I suddenly understood the dick’s massive propensity for hilarity. Even swinging it around the air in loops was endlessly entertaining. But still, it was weird having a dong—slightly ticklish and very tingly. My entire lower pelvic region felt heavy and intrusive, and I couldn’t help but worry that the extra baggage was making my ass look disproportionately larger. Pretty quickly, the sausage started sweating, and sticky moisture seeped into my panties in a gross, awkward mess.
Conclusion: dicks are funny to play with, especially if you use them to hit people when they don’t expect it. But they’re awkward and heavy, thus making you look and feel fat. They also secrete weird shit at unpredictable times, which is uncomfortable because it’s not like there’s such a thing as dick tampons to soak up the scum. Of course I understand that there’s a whole other dimension to them when sex is involved, but in terms of sheer convenience, aesthetics, and compactness, I’ll take a good ole pussy-and-clit combo any day.