Chris Nieratko Hates Condoms and Loves Celebrity Sex Tapes

In this month's 'Skinema' column, Chris Nieratko takes a look at <i>Condemned.</i>

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02 November 2015, 5:00am

​ The author with Heidi Fleiss

The author with Heidi Fleiss

This story appears in the November Issue of VICE.

Dir: Eli Morgan Gesner
Rating: 2

I have a mild case of dyslexia, so when my friend (and the co-founder of Zoo York) Eli Morgan Gesner sent me a screener of his new horror porn being released this month on Friday the 13th, I immediately texted him that I would not be watching it. Simply put: I hate condoms. For starters, on a professional level, I can't stand watching sex scenes in which the performers wear them; there's something truly distracting and erection-eradicating about wrinkled latex (even more so when actors choose to wear zany neon-colored condoms). In my personal life, I've never worn a condom longer than the five seconds it takes it to make me go limp, and seeing as I now have a vasectomy and ten years of marriage under my belt, I will, thankfully, never have to endure that embarrassment again.

There was a small window between my second child being born and the snipping of my vas deferens where my wife suggested I wear a rubber as a precaution against a third child, but I was able to dodge that bullet. I explained to her that although I might not be rich or overly successful, I do feel that I have worked hard enough over the past 40 years to merit two things in this life: never again having to wear a condom and never having to endure another layover on a flight. To avoid knocking her up again, I told her we'd have to listen to my dear 86-year-old grandmother's words of wisdom: "You can't get a mouth pregnant."

I suppose my biggest gripe with condoms is the effect that they have on our economy. My attention-deficit-driven research has shown that global sales of condoms are expected to top 27 billion units in 2015, whereas the latest count, in 2008, put the number of abortions globally at 43 million, leading me to deduce that condoms are greatly affecting the growth of the abortion job market. I'm no Stephen Hawking, but one could argue that the elimination of condoms could wipe out unemployment altogether in the United States. Picture, if you will, that the US accounts for a tenth of the world's condom purchases (I'm sure the number is far higher), and with 320 million citizens in America, that is roughly eight abortions for every man, woman, and child (assuming men could have abortions and that no one wanted to keep their kids) that are going unfulfilled. At an average cost of $470 an abortion, it seems like a no-brainer stimulus plan.

So I texted Eli to inform him I would not be watching his condomist propaganda. "Eli, you are everything that is wrong with this country. I will not promote anything that hinders middle-class Americans from making a living and feeding their children, especially on the eve of the Republicans taking back control of this great nation of ours and putting the power back in the hands of the rich, who know what's best for the poor and downtrodden. Abortions for all my friends!"

He quickly shut me up and changed my tune with a single, succinct response: "The movie stars Sean Penn's daughter and the son of Dres from Black Sheep."

Oh, word. I love celebrity sex tapes! Of all the smut videos I've been sent over the past 15 years, celebrity sex tapes are the only ones I hold on to in hopes of some day putting them in a time capsule so future civilizations could better understand the hero worship of this generation. Paris Hilton? Kim Kardashian? Tila Tequila? Farrah Abraham? What do all these wonderfully talented women have in common? That's right. They only have one notable thing on their résumés.

My personal favorite celebrity sex tape is still the one in which Heidi Fleiss's ex-boyfriend, Tom Sizemore, takes the biggest stand against condoms in any porno ever by shouting straight into the camera, coked out of his mind, "Fuck the LA Police Department. Fuck them. I hope 22 cops die tonight and they all have a lot of children."