A Very Real and Exclusive First Draft of Scott Morrison’s Speech

Last night the Australian government handed down its budget, foregoing the weekly House of Reps movie night (it was Peter Dutton's turn to choose, and nobody in the House wanted to sit through Triumph of the Will again) to shepherd the fortunes of our great nation.

This year's budget was a sharp about-face from the austere severity of previous years, like in 2014 when Joe Hockey legalised the employment of infants in asbestos mines, and tried to raise revenue by privatising the souls of the elderly. By comparison, Scott Morrison's budget was the very definitions of centrism, causing Labor to grudgingly say "Yeah, I guess we'll go along with that." Bipartisanship is a beautiful thing.

We'll be honest: we didn't actually bother watching Morrison's speech, as it was on at the same time as Great Continental Railway Journeys on SBS, and there's no fucking way we're missing Michael Portillo take train rides in his amazing jackets. But we did manage to get our hands on an early draft of Scott Morrison's remarks, so nevermind what he actually said, here's what he meant…

For any of you out there who happen to be one of Australia's five largest banks, you can expect to contribute to $6.2 billion in fees over the next four years. This will contribute to the promise made by me, Scott Morrison, that the budget will return to surplus within four years. Exciting, isn't it? I know you've heard this before, but this is the Treasurer's "Free Bird", a crowd pleasing hit that has to be wheeled out at every Budget. I know I said surplus was four years off in 2016, and I know Joe said it was four years off in 2015, and he also said it was four years off in 2014, but it's definitely four years off this time.

Now that we've dealt with the banks, it's time to turn your attention to the next wealthiest group: welfare recipients. In case the whole NDIS and asking-for-money-from-the-banks thing made you think Labor had in fact won the last election and you'd been Man in the High Castling it since last July, the cracking down on welfare should remind you that Morrison's still in charge, fuckos. Anyone on welfare who has been unable to prove that they've been looking for work, or engaged in study or training, is going to see their pay docked in ever-increasing chunks. For those aged between 30 and 49, the number of hours goes up from 30 to 50 per fortnight. But that's not nearly as exciting as the drug testing that welfare recipients will now be expected to undertake. That's right, soon you'll be offsetting the indignity of unemployment by proving to the government that you have not been using marijuana, ecstasy or ice, through the wonders of a saliva donation. Sometimes it's illegal to spit on your elected representatives. Other times, it's mandated if you want your money. Look, Matthias is into some freaky stuff.

We are proud to announce a $1.5 billion fund will be created for apprenticeships and traineeships in areas suffering from a swathe of job vacancies. A mentor program will be established to ensure those who start these new traineeships will finish them, in the hopes of lowering attrition rates. Should states and territories match federal funding, it will create either 300,000 new positions across various industries, or one extremely well-paid apprenticeship at a merchant bank.

The Medicare rebate freeze will be lifted, but the Medicare Levy will increase by half a percent from 2019, with much of that extra revenue going towards funding the $22 billion National Disability Insurance Scheme. It's a weird sort of "caring for the less fortunate in our society" we know you weren't expecting from us in the Coalition, but this is something we believe it. The NDIS is important, and it was high time we pivoted from the controversial theme of our 2015 platform: Let's Be Cunts To Everyone.

We know, we're sending some mixed messages about drugs this year. As Jefferson Airplane sung probably: some drugs take you off welfare, and others will be moderately cheaper. Out-of-pocket expenses for some medicines will be lowered, and others (including those that treat heart conditions and schizophrenia) have been added to the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme. No punchline here. Just good news. Also, this is a Budget speech, why are you expecting punchlines?

This is the one part for the Budget that will prove to be very bad news for anyone who believed the latest report from the Holistic Phrenologists at the Intercontinental Centaur For Scientifish Studies about the links between vaccines and elephantiasis of the humours. But it's very good news for anyone whose five year plan involves not dying of polio, so comme ci comma ça. Parents who don't vaccinate their children will lose $28 per child per fortnight as part of the Family Tax Benefit. We are expecting to withhold about $66 million of payments, so if the science doesn't convince you idiots, maybe the money will.

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Boy, is that the time? Sorry, we need to wrap this thing up if Peter's going to play his movie. Look, we know climate change is the biggest existential threat facing humanity, but, hey, there simply wasn't enough time to cover it, and what would we have cut from this Budget? Abolishing the annual licence fee for free-to-air networks so Channel Ten can stay afloat? The $5 billion second airport for Sydney? Continued funding to Operation Sovereign Borders to continue Stopping the Boats? Yeah, that's totally still a thing. But honestly, we'll try to get to it next year. Promise. We'll put some solar panels on the Adani coal mine or something. Solar's a really cheap way of generating power, so this new mine should be operating at maximum efficiency. Let's see the Greens get their hemp underpants in a bunch about that! Shit, the movie's starting. Peter's doing all the dialogue like it's karaoke. He's got it memorised, the little scamp. Haha, he'll sleep well tonight.

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