Crookers' Six Ways to Turn Down When Tour Time is Over

DJs can be sooooo boring sometimes. Trust me—I've interviewed a lot of them. Whether they're resentful of the press, trying to cultivate an air of aloof mystique, or simply have nothing to offer apart from their skill at programming an arpeggiator, it's not unusal to sit down in front of my laptop and think, How to hell am I supposed to tell a story about this fucker?

Thankfully this is not the story with Phra, the fun-loving "Italian stallion" (his words) of the festival favorite heavy house duo Crookers.

Last month, Phra took us weirdo hunting on Holy Ship. We met an extremely rare red panda, three Philipino masseuses dressed like lemons, and Captain Fuccboi—all while attempting to parse the man's thick Italian accent. Crookers has been doing the worlwide festival circuit for almost a decade now and we can't imagine how in the world someone survives that kind of turn up, so we figured they must have some kind of cleansing routine to turn down once festival season ends. He tells us the secrets in his own words:

1. I cook for myself and friends:
"I truly, deeply, believe that food is one of the most important things that we need to take care of in our life, and it would be a sacrilege not to serve the best quality food on my table."

2. Sandra, aka Dumbblonde:
"I used to be a proper Italian stallion back in the day (well… maybe not… hmm). Then I met this incredible, good looking, interesting yet stupid girl and I just became really monogamous and boring. So to all you ladies out there trying to sell yourself on Twitter to me, it's not going to happen, I'm off the market!"

3. I love Skiing!:
"When I was younger I used to be a pro skier (without this beard and belly of course). When I have the odd day off I do still try to get down to San Domenico Di Varzo (which is my local ski spot, where I used to train with the squad) and spend time with my brother and friends. The big difference now is that I spend more time by the bar than on the slopes! When I had a lot of hair and dreams it used to be about the sport!"

4. I'm a researcher:
"Every night before I go to bed, I've found myself researching crazy expensive cars and houses online. It's become a bit of a habit now and I don't know why I'm doing it! I'm not even interested in buying an expensive car or a crazy villa in the mountains, but I love dreaming and comparing prices thinking that maybe one day I'll be able to afford it."

5. I go to the gym every day:
"'Mens sana in corpore sano'' (a sound mind in a healthy body), my Latin friends used to say. I've got a personal trainer which is the best, and I go to the gym every day, working my ass off until I'm almost in tears and all I want to do is call my mom and say, 'I'M DYING!' But I have seen the real benefit, which is that I have a body of beauty and I'm the envy of all my friends."

6. Practice your bullshitting!
"I think I've been blessed with a superpower. I train myself everyday with Sandra (that's her second point), and I'm proud to say that I can consider myself a real good 'bullshit maker.' Here's a lovely example: Point five is complete bullshit—but you believed me, didn't you? I'm getting fat and I'm loving it!"