Ah, the away message. Nothing says "mid-aughts" quite like leaving a passive aggressive note to that specific someone who may or may not get online and glance at your status. The subtweet before Twitter. The drunk text before iMessage. The handwritten note before iPads. It was an opportunity to really say something without actually saying something—hidden beneath a vague song lyric or movie quote. To celebrate this bizarre human phenomenon, the Noisey staff broke down their away messages from their childhood—and shared some advice for (and photos of) their former selves. Enjoy.
Fred Pessaro, Editor-in-Chief
AIM Away Message: Sorry, I'm currently going to Coachella for the first and last time. If you need me, hit me on the StarTac.
Favorite 2005 Album: Blessed Black Wing by High on Fire
Advice to 2005 Fred: "Do less drugs. Have salad every once in a while. Oh, and that time you saw MF Doom at Wetlands, it was totally fake."
Kim Taylor Bennett, Style Editor
AIM Away Message: I did not use AIM.
Favorite 2005 Album: Aha Shake Heartbreak by Kings of Leon
Advice to 2005 Kim: Dump that dickhead already. He's going to wind up owing you and all your mutual friends money, his band will never make it, and 10 years later he'll end up auditioning for The Voice: Belgique.
Please note: "that dickhead" is not the man pictured here at Misshapes in '05, during CMJ, natch. That's Brian and he's still awesome.
Kyle Kramer, Editor
AIM Away Message: "isn't it messed up how i'm just dying to be here"
Favorite 2005 Album: Overall, The College Dropout by Kanye West and Time Out of Mind by Bob Dylan. Among albums that were released in 2005 that I listened to in 2005: X+Y by Coldplay
Advice to 2005 Kyle: You're on the right track toward chilling out, but seriously just chill out a little bit. And, hey: Tell her that you like her.
Eric Sundermann, Managing Editor
AIM Away Message: Fuck AIM. I used MSN Messenger. I refuse to participate in this IMist bullshit.
Favorite 2005 Album: I don't even remember. My high school music taste was overall pretty bad. I'd say either Coldplay's X&Y or some live Dave Matthews Band record. Although I did listen to a lot of College Dropout, too, so some things never change.
Advice to 2005 Eric: Don't sweat it, bro. She fucking sucks. The future is bright. Someday you'll know how to properly dress yourself so it's time to get over your problems that aren't really problems. Keep writing.
Dan Ozzi, Editor
AIM Away Message: ~*i h8 pEoPle wHo MaKe aWaY MeSsAgEs LiKe tHiS*~
Favorite 2005 Album: Told people it was Propagandhi's Potemkin City Limits, was actually Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.
Advice to 2005 Dan: Believe it or not, you will live past 30 so maybe start planning for that.
Kim Kelly, Editor
AIM Away Message: ~brb nursing my bangover from seeing Hate Eternal at the TLA last night!!! \m/
Favorite 2005 Album: The Gathering Wilderness by Primordial
Advice to 2005 Kim: In ten years you're going to live in NYC, write about metal for a living, have a hot European boyfriend, and still be best friends with Kelly. Don't stress so much about the SATs.
Bryn Lovitt in 2005, Contributing Editor
AIM Away Message: "stop trying to make fetch happen"
Favorite 2005 Album: No Wow by The Kills
Advice to 2005 Bryn: Eat something, and cut your bangs.
John Hill in 2005, Contributing Editor
AIM Away Message: So there was this woman, and she was on an airplane, and she was flying to meet her fiancé seaming high above the largest ocean on planet earth, and she was seated next to this man who…you know, she had tried to start conversations, but, only, really the only thing she had heard him say was just to order his Bloody Mary, and she was sittin' there and she was reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that she couldn’t even pronounce the, the name of, and she was feeling very bored and very despondent and then…and then uh, suddenly there was this huge mechanical failure and one of the, the engines gave out, and they started just falling thirty-thousand feet. The pilot's on the microphone and he’s, he's saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, oh my god… I'm sorry” and apologizing, and, and she looks at the man and she, and she says, she says, she says, “Where are we going?”. And uh, and he looks at her and he says, “We’re going to a party. It, it’s a birthday party. It’s your birthday party, happy birthday, darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much.” And then um, he starts humming this little tune, and, and uh it kinda goes like this, it's kinda: 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
Favorite 2005 Album: I was 11. Kanye West's Late Registration, or Bright Eyes' I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning. And of course, Linkin Park/Marilyn Manson/Limp Bizkit.
Advice to 2005 John: Everything gets better. Even if life seems like the biggest bummer or whatever, realize the problems you've got going on, you will literally not have any memory of. Also be nicer to mom, and maybe play more basketball.
Craig Jenkins, Contributing Editor
AIM Away Message: "We promised the world we'd tame it. What were we hoping for?"
Favorite 2005 Album: Late Registration by Kanye West
Advice to 2005 Craig: I know we never planned for this ship to sail this far but hear me out on a few things: Eat better. Drink less. Smile more. Take more photos. Your lack of an identifiable internet footprint will cause some brief but strong speculation that you do not exist. This probably seems enthralling to you right now. It won't be. You're going to quit writing because it is tiring and nobody reads you. Do not. You're going to get annoyed when people quote the movie Friday to you upon meeting you because your name is Craig and when they mistake you for the legendary rapper Ice Cube. Wait it out. Trust.
Andrea Domanick, West Coast Editor
AIM Away Message: "what a beautiful face i have found in this place that is circling around the sun"
Favorite 2005 Album: You Could Have It So Much Better by Franz Ferdinand
Advice to 2005 Andrea: Calm down. Make more mistakes. They're good for you. Trust yourself more. Do weird stuff to your hair, if you want to. Don't worry about the SATs, or what college you get into. These are not real problems. Care less about how others perceive you. Love yourself, because you are GREAT. In ten years your life will be awesome.
Annalise Domenighini, Social Producer
AIM Away Message: ~believe in me as i'm leaving you tonight~
Fave 2005 Album: Good News for People Who Like Bad News by Modest Mouse
Advice to 2005 Annalise: Chill.
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