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Music

‘Hose That Shit Down’: The Heroes Behind Music Festival Toilets

We had a quick chat to a member of the Poo Crew.

Image: Jake Lewis

As summer music festival season approaches we can look forward to sunburn, overpriced beer, controversial attire and uncomfortable bedding in cheap tents. But there's one big downside to a music festival, that's almost impossible to avoid. When nature calls, everyone has to poop. That’s a lot of everyone. That’s a lot of poop.

Thankfully there are beautiful men and woman at festivals who are there to make sure that when you're two pingers deep and feel that rumble, you've got a safe (and relatively clean) place to go. Whether it's pissing rain or scorching hot, bush doof or metal fest, these heroes have your back (and your bowels).

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We had a chat with Luke Roberts, one of these brave soldiers that install and maintain the toilets at various music festivals.

Image: Jim Noort

Noisey: How many toilets do you guys maintain at a festival?
Luke Roberts: I'm a site worker and I’m often charged with particular tasks to take ownership on a job. Four years ago at Stereosonic there was a bit of chaos on the bump-in of the portaloos. Every year since it's been my key role to supervise the installation and operation of Stereo's sanitation needs. Although the years blur, there were a couple of festivals where the crowd was in excess of 45,000. I think we had over 550 portaloos spread over the site. Numbers are a little more modest these days but catering to crowds in the tens of thousands still needs truckloads of dunnies.

Every event is different. Camping festivals are a whole other beast. Multi-day events. Composting toilets. Mass pump out and fresh water requirements. Five days in the mud at Splendour might be different to three days in the dust at Evie but two things are true - shit runs down hill and hopefully if you do a good job your boss will pay you on Friday. In the meantime, suck that shit up.

Image: Joey Kellock

What have you found while cleaning/maintaining them?
Drugs, phones, clothes, shoes, hair dryers, sex toys, fruit, makeup, wigs, glitter. And lots of displaced personal dignity.

Are there any horror stories that stand out?
Mainly the displaced personal dignity that often results in horribly bronzed up toilets. Hose that shit down. One thing I've learnt over the journey is that as far as human functions go, shitting is more urgent than eating.

Which toilets are the cleanest / best for punters?
Mate, whenever the toilet whisperer is on site and the poo crew are backing her up things will be fine. If that fails, try to sneak past a sleeping security guard and get back stage.

Image: Simon Prentice