Illustration by Alex CookEarlier this week, Mean Girls turned ten. We loved that movie. You loved that movie. Everyone loved that movie. So naturally, because this is Noisey, we imagined what the Mean Girls script would be like if today's rappers also attended North Shore High School with the Plastics.CADY HERON clutches her tray like the BASIC GIRLS in line behind her clutch their CLUTCHES.She steps past the cashier, staring at the SEA OF STUDENTS before her. Cady is apprehensive but wide-eyed, like an actress who has yet to enter REHAB.She starts to walk, looking for a seat. What Janis had told her earlier finally clicked in her head:JANIS (V.O.)
Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial, because you’ve got everybody there. You’ve got your freshman, you’ve got your Asian nerds…Cady walks past a group of ASIAN STUDENTS poring over a set of geometry problems.JANIS (V.O.)
Your cool Asians…The next table seats the entire WU-TANG CLAN.JANIS (V.O.)
Varsity jocks…JUELZ SANTANA, JIM JONES, and FREEKEY ZEEKEY sit around a table in QUINTUPLE-XL THROWBACK JERSEYS. CAM’RON wears an OVERSIZED PINK LETTERMAN JACKET.JANIS (V.O.)
Desperate wannabes…YOUNG BUCK sits alone with a coloring book.JANIS (V.O.)
…and the worst. Beware of the Plastics.GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, and REGINA GEORGE hold on court in the middle of the lunch room. No one dares approach their table.JANIS (V.O.)
If you want to survive at North Shore--Cady is snapped out of her trance.A YOUNG MAN in a navy blue COLLEGE t-shirt and six JESUS PIECES taps Cady on her shoulder. It’s KANYE WEST.KANYE WEST
Hey, we’re doing a lunchtime survey of new students. Can you answer a few questions?CADY
Um, okay.KANYE WEST
Is your muffin buttered?At a nearby table, RHYMEFEST snickers. COMMON slaps him.CADY
What?KANYE WEST
Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?CADY
My what?The Plastics have had enough.REGINA (to Cady)
Is he bothering you?CADY
Not really--REGINA
Kanye, why are you such a skeeze?KANYE WEST
I’m just trying to bring that real soul back to the game.Gretchen plays with her hair, trying to be discreet. To Kanye:GRETCHEN
You were supposed to call me…REGINA
You do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then leave Sway voicemails from my parents’ phone the whole time.REGINA (to Cady)
Do you want to have sex with him?CADY
No thank you.REGINA
Good, so it’s settled.Gretchen is trying to undress Kanye with her eyes. Kanye just looks confused.REGINA (CONT’D)
You can go shave your back now.Dejected, Kanye turns to walk away. Under his breath:KANYE WEST
I wasn’t really spitting game; I was scrimmaging.Paul Thompson has seen Mean Girls more than you. He's on Twitter — @pthompson3507
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
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Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial, because you’ve got everybody there. You’ve got your freshman, you’ve got your Asian nerds…Cady walks past a group of ASIAN STUDENTS poring over a set of geometry problems.JANIS (V.O.)
Your cool Asians…The next table seats the entire WU-TANG CLAN.JANIS (V.O.)
Varsity jocks…JUELZ SANTANA, JIM JONES, and FREEKEY ZEEKEY sit around a table in QUINTUPLE-XL THROWBACK JERSEYS. CAM’RON wears an OVERSIZED PINK LETTERMAN JACKET.JANIS (V.O.)
Desperate wannabes…YOUNG BUCK sits alone with a coloring book.JANIS (V.O.)
…and the worst. Beware of the Plastics.GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, and REGINA GEORGE hold on court in the middle of the lunch room. No one dares approach their table.JANIS (V.O.)
If you want to survive at North Shore--Cady is snapped out of her trance.A YOUNG MAN in a navy blue COLLEGE t-shirt and six JESUS PIECES taps Cady on her shoulder. It’s KANYE WEST.KANYE WEST
Hey, we’re doing a lunchtime survey of new students. Can you answer a few questions?CADY
Um, okay.KANYE WEST
Is your muffin buttered?At a nearby table, RHYMEFEST snickers. COMMON slaps him.CADY
What?KANYE WEST
Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?CADY
My what?The Plastics have had enough.REGINA (to Cady)
Is he bothering you?CADY
Not really--
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Kanye, why are you such a skeeze?KANYE WEST
I’m just trying to bring that real soul back to the game.Gretchen plays with her hair, trying to be discreet. To Kanye:GRETCHEN
You were supposed to call me…REGINA
You do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then leave Sway voicemails from my parents’ phone the whole time.REGINA (to Cady)
Do you want to have sex with him?CADY
No thank you.REGINA
Good, so it’s settled.Gretchen is trying to undress Kanye with her eyes. Kanye just looks confused.REGINA (CONT’D)
You can go shave your back now.Dejected, Kanye turns to walk away. Under his breath:KANYE WEST
I wasn’t really spitting game; I was scrimmaging.