FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Music

An Open Letter to the Ridiculously Handsome Guy Who Was One of Katy Perry's Super Bowl Sharks: Fuck You

Did the world need a ridiculously handsome shark?

The Super Bowl halftime show is a time-honored tradition where mass-marketed sports and mass-marketed music cross over for one magical, heavily advertised evening. It is the number one most relevant part of the Super Bowl, followed closely by beer advertisements and, if there’s room on the list, football. Last night, Katy Perry’s halftime performance stole the show and the beach ball-clad Perry was upstaged only by the presence of her backup dancing sharks.

Advertisement

Everyone on Twitter and Facebook was buzzing about Katy Perry’s sharks, because that’s how far down we’ve come as a society that guys doing the macarena in shark costumes is a passable form of entertainment. One of those guys was named Scott Myrick. He looks like this:

Photo via Scott's Instagram

As you can see from the above photo, he is what you would call “ridiculously good-looking”… if washboard abs and flawless muscle vascularity are your thing. Whatever. Buzzfeed was quick to break this pressing news story in a post bluntly entitled “The Guy Who Was One of Katy Perry’s Dancing Sharks Is Actually Very Hot,” embedding any shirtless photos they could find from Myrick’s Instagram. He even did a Reddit AMA, answering the many, many questions that might arise about wearing a shark costume. Like, for example, “How was the visibility in the shark costume?”… and others. Visibility was terrible, he says. He ran into a palm tree but the camera missed it, winky face.

Since Scott is enjoying his 15 minutes and is probably reading everything on the internet about him, I will assume that he is reading this as well. I would now like to address you directly, ridiculously good-looking shark costume dancer Scott Myrick…

Hey man, fuck you.

Sorry if that came off as harsh. I’m sure you’re probably a nice guy and work hard at what you do, but on the other hand, fuck you.

Do you know how hard it is to get a job in the entertainment industry? Of course you do, you have one. Now imagine how hard it would have been to get that job if you didn’t have your Gosling-esque blonde locks, your rippling six-pack, and your whatever the thing is called where stomach muscles meet your hip bones.

Advertisement

There are thousands of singers, dancers, and performers who are denied jobs every single day because they don’t have “the right look” which is an industry euphemism for being “too damn ugly to be on a major stage.” They will go through years of humiliating auditions in their careers, only to be turned away time after time before giving up on their life’s dream and becoming servers at the local Denny’s.

A job that requires wearing a shark costume that covers your face and entire body would have been a perfect opportunity for the aesthetically-challenged hopefuls of the world. It would’ve leveled the playing field for all the dancing uggos out there with big dreams. They could’ve stood in front of millions, their average faces concealed behind layers of blue felt, and done what they’ve always dreamed. But you took that from them, Scott. You swooped in with your strong, masculine forearms and snatched it right out of their hands.

But for you, this was just another day. You probably sat and watched the replays of it while sitting on a fine leather chair, your firm but supple buttocks supporting the rest of your glistening torso, and you shrugged. Ho-hum, just another day in the perfect life of Scott Myrick, world's handsomest shark performer.

Have you even ever met an ugly person, Scott? You probably haven’t. You probably bounce around from Hollywood parties to yacht mixers, resting your bare, softball-like delts and pumped up biceps atop the shoulders of many equally ridiculously good-looking women. "Ha ha!" you laugh, your heaving pectorals protruding through your designer t-shirt. "Can you imagine being 'average?'" You and the models then retire to your penthouse condo and have an all-night orgy of perfectly tanned flesh.

After last night’s performance, when you unzipped your costume with your well-manicured fingers, stepped out of it one lean marathoner’s leg at a time, and looked at the mirror into your presumably piercing ocean blue eyes, I hope you asked yourself: Did the world really need a ripped shark?

I hope you're happy with yourself, you selfish, beautiful man.

Dan Ozzi is on Twitter, being a regular guy - @danozzi