It seems that energy drinks have taken a step closer to getting banned. Earlier this week, a group of doctors wrote a well-publicized, strongly-worded letter to the F.D.A. imploring them to keep energy drinks out of the thirsty hands of minors. Since energy drinks are admittedly pretty fucking terrible for you and can be abused just as drugs can, it's hard to imagine they'll remain unregulated for much longer. Because in modern culture we like connecting things to other things, here's a list of which energy drinks are like which musicians.
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RED BULL IS PITBULL
I know all of the words that come to mind when you think of Pitbull: Worldwide. Classy. Suave. Clubs. Branding. Bud Light. Douchebag. Bull. Most of those words also apply to Red Bull! On the real though, Pitbull is one of the few rappers that modern culture sees zero harm in, and perhaps because of its extensive alternative sports/media/music empire, Red Bull has managed to distract us from the fact that it wasn't banned for twelve years in France because of concerns about its taurine content!ROCKSTAR IS TWISTA
This one is pretty self-evident. Much like Rockstar Energy, Twista is sort of lame but can be of great use, especially if you need someone to rap really fast on your song and don't have a lot of money to pay them. Similarly, my friends and I drank Rockstar before our Senior Prom because we didn't have anything else.MOLLY WATER IS FUTURE
Molly Water is bottled water with MDMA powder shaken up in it. It's not an energy drink in the classical sense because it's literally just drugs, but it is an energy drink in the sense that if you drink enough of it you will have lots of energy. Atlanta's Future is Molly's current spokesrapper, and this one was mainly an excuse to link to "You Deserve It" because it is the best song.5 HOUR ENERGY IS LIGHTNING BOLT
Not only does "Lightning Bolt" sound like it should be the name of an energy drink, the band—a two-man outfit making an unholy amount of noise—is like the human version 5 Hour Energy shot. It only takes a sip of them to feel like you're truly alive for the very first time.
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AMP IS GUCCI MANE
Much like Gucci, AMP is versatile, the choice of the true liquid energy supplement connoisseur. At its peak, AMP had something like 437 flavors, all of which offered a different take on the four-hour energy rush that shortened both your nerves and your life. Similarly, Gucci Mane can rap over everything, and he's the rare rap master who's perennially overshadowed and underrated. But real heads nobody gives you a rush quite like Gucci can.NOS IS LUDACRIS
Given Chris "Ludacris" Bridges' role as Tej Parker in the Fast and the Furious films, I hold this comparison self-evident. Allow this to also serve as a PSA that Fast & Furious 6 will see its theatrical release on May 24th of this year.STREET KING IS 50 CENTThis one's kind of cheating because 50 Cent owns and is the face of Street King, but the thing is the energy shot is perhaps the perfect distillation of 50 Cent's ham-fisted and often scarily efficient philosophy that applies to both his life and music: find a thing, then make a shittier 50 Cent version of it. He did this with headphones, the Black Hippy crew, and, yes, energy drinks. When I first moved to New York I went to a party that 50 Cent threw, and all of the cocktails had Street King in them. I met 50 Cent after about four of these; it was awkward.SURGE IS LIMP BIZKIT
The entire marketing plan behind Surge was to get as many people yelling, "SUUUUURGE" as they could. It was marketed to children, who enjoy yelling things. If you do not remember, Surge was very popular and is now discontinued. Many of the same things could be said about Limp Bizkit, who took the genuine aggression and pain of bands like Korn and used that to make nonsensically aggressive children's songs.
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BAWLS IS FIDLAR
Though FIDLAR's energy supplement of choice might be cocaine and their most famous song asserts that they, "DRINK/CHEAP/BEER/SO/WHAT/FUCK/YOU," there is no greater distillation of their entire aesthetic than the word "BAWLS," misspelled and in all caps, proudly dumb and profoundly stupid.BEAVER BUZZ IS RUSH
Beaver Buzz is a Canadian energy drink. Rush is also Canadian. You do the math.Drew Millard wrote the entirety of this under the influence of caffeine. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard
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I know all of the words that come to mind when you think of Pitbull: Worldwide. Classy. Suave. Clubs. Branding. Bud Light. Douchebag. Bull. Most of those words also apply to Red Bull! On the real though, Pitbull is one of the few rappers that modern culture sees zero harm in, and perhaps because of its extensive alternative sports/media/music empire, Red Bull has managed to distract us from the fact that it wasn't banned for twelve years in France because of concerns about its taurine content!ROCKSTAR IS TWISTA
This one is pretty self-evident. Much like Rockstar Energy, Twista is sort of lame but can be of great use, especially if you need someone to rap really fast on your song and don't have a lot of money to pay them. Similarly, my friends and I drank Rockstar before our Senior Prom because we didn't have anything else.MOLLY WATER IS FUTURE
Molly Water is bottled water with MDMA powder shaken up in it. It's not an energy drink in the classical sense because it's literally just drugs, but it is an energy drink in the sense that if you drink enough of it you will have lots of energy. Atlanta's Future is Molly's current spokesrapper, and this one was mainly an excuse to link to "You Deserve It" because it is the best song.5 HOUR ENERGY IS LIGHTNING BOLT
Not only does "Lightning Bolt" sound like it should be the name of an energy drink, the band—a two-man outfit making an unholy amount of noise—is like the human version 5 Hour Energy shot. It only takes a sip of them to feel like you're truly alive for the very first time.AMP IS GUCCI MANE
Much like Gucci, AMP is versatile, the choice of the true liquid energy supplement connoisseur. At its peak, AMP had something like 437 flavors, all of which offered a different take on the four-hour energy rush that shortened both your nerves and your life. Similarly, Gucci Mane can rap over everything, and he's the rare rap master who's perennially overshadowed and underrated. But real heads nobody gives you a rush quite like Gucci can.NOS IS LUDACRIS
Given Chris "Ludacris" Bridges' role as Tej Parker in the Fast and the Furious films, I hold this comparison self-evident. Allow this to also serve as a PSA that Fast & Furious 6 will see its theatrical release on May 24th of this year.STREET KING IS 50 CENTThis one's kind of cheating because 50 Cent owns and is the face of Street King, but the thing is the energy shot is perhaps the perfect distillation of 50 Cent's ham-fisted and often scarily efficient philosophy that applies to both his life and music: find a thing, then make a shittier 50 Cent version of it. He did this with headphones, the Black Hippy crew, and, yes, energy drinks. When I first moved to New York I went to a party that 50 Cent threw, and all of the cocktails had Street King in them. I met 50 Cent after about four of these; it was awkward.SURGE IS LIMP BIZKIT
Beaver Buzz is a Canadian energy drink. Rush is also Canadian. You do the math.Drew Millard wrote the entirety of this under the influence of caffeine. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard
