Meet the God of Texas and His Dick

Image: You Tube

“Can you quack like a duck when you suck?”

If you are unfamiliar with this request, you have not witnessed the undying oddity that is G.O.A.T. and Your Mom performing “Quack Like a Duck”. And that is unusual. It would have only been a matter of time. Welcome.

After three years of seeing this shit freshly unearthed and re-shared by every incoming internet generation I, much like that patriotic penis that has received 4+ million views over three years on YouTube alone, could no longer contain myself. Who is this band, the GOAT and your MOM? Who is this man in the flag pants with the dick that writhes in indescribable ecstasy?

He was not hard to find. Austin, Texas is a beautifully weird skin-tag on the rump of a place where Republicans want to annex themselves to firearms and steak, and there he was. Everyone knows this guy. The way his Amazing Grace underpants cling to his circumcision is unforgettable.

Noisey: Hey man. What do I call you?
GOAT: GOAT or God.

What’s your story, Goat God?
Born in San Jose, California, raised in Middleton, Idaho, spent 10 years in Ventura, California, and I've been in Austin, Texas for close to nine years now. I'm a .44 Magnum with a .38 Special that puts the fire into the songs I'm writing for the next release. I write all the music and all the lyrics for my band the GOAT and your MOM. There is nothing more important to me than my band. Being on stage is better than sex. Freedom of speech is the best thing this world has to offer, yet honesty is the worst policy.

What do you do to make ends meet?
Grab a double dildo and hand it to two girls.

Practical. You busk too, right? Like you walk around Austin in your underpants and cape and stuff.
I walk up and down 6th street on the weekends and make tips for pictures and songs.

Your get-up is pretty star-spangled.
I love my soldiers and I love my country, but I don't give a shit who the President is. It doesn't matter. This country is run by the Masons and they’re doing a damn good job.

Your band has an interesting name.
When I decided to write and perform in this specific style and have someone else play the bass instead of me, my old friend Satan told me that my band should have a name too. I am the God Of All Texas and whatever band I put together to play my shit is your Masters Of Menace. Hence the name, the GOAT and your MOM.

The live backyard video ‘Quack Like a Duck’, has been widely reshared again.
It's seriously never going to get old. All these kids coming of age with the internet at their fingertips… who knows how many kids per year will see that shit for the first time? I won't ever be forgotten.

Do you get any cash from that? It’s been on-and-off viral for about three years now and has almost 4.5 million views on YouTube.
I have yet to make a dime ‘cos nothing was monetised. On top of that, I didn't post it. My drummer's girlfriend at the time was the one who posted it. She filmed it. But she didn't monetise it. With all the mirrors that have been put up it has received more than 15 million views. I have been putting in complaints to YouTube to get all the mirrors taken down. I succeeded at getting one mirror taken down, and I have my own channel on YouTube now that I have a copy of that video up on. My new drummer helped me with that toward the end of last year. So maybe one day I can get all the mirrors taken down and with only mine to watch, I might make a buck or two.

It has the persistent lyric, Can you quack like a duck when you suck.
It's really amazing how many people think it means something it doesn't, ‘cos they aren't really paying attention to the phrase. It's about the gag reflex. The song is asking the girl to try a little harder to please me to make it worth my while, to show me she wants to take it all but can't. It's all about effort.

Who is the dude flicking your dick?
A good friend.

Why was he flicking your dick?
It's become common amongst punk rockers to greet each other this way in an attempt to get the other to flinch. I didn't flinch so I guess he felt the need to continue to goose me until he could see that I wasn't going to flinch

Is your dick OK?
It's better than OK. Hell, I've probably got the most popular dick on the internet that isn't in a porno movie.

You seem to publicly ask for weird sex on social media a lot.
I'm forever annoyed with people having an "ew" factor for certain kinds sex. I feel the need to make this clear every now and then.

Does it ever pay sexual dividends?
I've never gotten laid on dating sites. I have from Facebook. I wouldn't say the posts helped as much as scare away the more easily sickened ones. It is my intention to have great sex instead of just sex. And well, the last one was the Best Anal In Texas. She even had the guts to get onstage with me for a few shows and go-go dance.

What are your plans?
I just released a live album on CD Baby. I plan on doing a studio recording EP with the new line-up at some point this year. If I can keep this line-up for a bit, I might be able to put out albums more quickly. We will have at least a show or two for SXSW. And a tour will be finalised soon that will begin in Louisiana in April. Other than that, I just plan to continue writing songs about fucked up shit and tour the world playing them until I'm dead.

Follow Toby on Twitter: @jane_tobes