Now, I don't really believe tattoos have to mean anything. I think it's kinda cool and stupid to just like, get a dumb weird tatt for the hell of it. I have a list of potential tattoo ideas in my phone that includes the fairly miscellaneous entries "lana del rey bleeding eyes?" and "phone number"—so you know that I'm not at all opposed to the idea of getting absolute bullshit permanently imprinted on your skin.
But a line has been crossed.
Earlier this week, Ariana Grande tried to get a hand tattoo that says "7 rings"—the title of her controversial new song—in Japanese. That seems like it should be fairly simple, right? Wrong! Something has gone very, very wrong in translation, and, instead of getting a tattoo that says "7 rings", Ariana got a hand tattoo that says ................. "small charcoal grill".
I guess the problem with "small charcoal grill" is that it's not technically a bad tattoo idea. It would be pretty funny or stupid or whatever to like, just get the words "small charcoal grill" permanently burned (?) into your flesh. That's funny! That's a good joke that we can all get in on. Unfortunately, when you get something tattooed in a language that's not your own—especially an Asian language—you're really just setting yourself up to become the punchline of ten billion UNILAD articles and/or jokes in some middle-aged dude's badly written Netflix special. It's funny and stupid but it's also just kinda sad, you know?
Anyway, Ariana—who, like most humans, probably does not really like to be laughed at online—has tried to fix said "small charcoal grill" tattoo by adding more kanji (Japanese characters) to the tattoo. Un_for_tunately—and it really gives me a lot of joy to tell you this—poor Ariana has once again fucked up her tattoo. And it might even be worse now! Ariana Grande's flame BBQ tattoo now reads, according to Buzzfeed's Eimi Yamamitsu, "Japanese barbecue finger". Think about that phrase for a second. Roll it around in your mouth. It's just so fucking stupid. How, Ariana!? How!
Of course, "Japanese barbecue finger" isn't the worst thing you could get tattooed. Imagine if, say, the tattoo read something like "Small charcoal grill finger ♡". (Unintentionally, of course. I will once again stress that getting a tattoo in English that intentionally reads "Small charcoal grill finger ♡" would be hilarious and weird, no?) Now that would be ridiculous, right? Well, if the thought of Ariana Grande getting a ridiculous hand tattoo that somehow says "Small charcoal grill finger ♡" elicits the deepest most pleasurable sense of schadenfreude possible, then you'd be in luck, because Kokatu's translators say that if you're reading the tattoo how Japanese is supposed to be read—right to left, top to bottom—that's what it says.
I like Ariana Grande a lot, but the part of my brain that lights up when people do ridiculous shit is just going off right now, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
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