In his new song “Sauce” The Game claims he had sexual relations with the father, the son and the holy spirit of Armenia: the Kardashian sisters. "I used to fuck bitches that Usher Raymond passed off / Then I fucked three Kardashians, hold that thought."
Sure, I’ll hold that thought, then, while holding it, I’ll tell you what other thought popped into my head: I goddamn doubt it.
I’m sorry, Mr. Game, but that simply cannot be. I assume you are using what we in the industry call “artistic licence.” It’s just not possib—
Wait. Maybe it is. I’ve had a lightbulb moment. Something flashes before my eyes. This image, to be specific. Actually, this one, too. These photos are burning in my brain: bright, bold, and big. Actually, huge.
Suddenly, the idea of The Game fucking all three Kardashian sisters doesn’t seem so far fetched, because he posses something literally nobody else on the planet has: He is the sole owner and proprieteur of the world’s biggest dick.
The “ultimate cock,” one might say.
And so, if anyone in the world has a chance in hell of fucking all three Kardashian sisters—the real holy trinity—it’s him. I want to believe “Sauce” isn’t just another record where a dude talks shit about how legendary he is, as the french say, “dans le sack.” Let’s survey the evidence, starting with Koko.
Did The Game Fuck Khloé Kardashian? Probably not, ‘cause they’re actually friends: real, human friends that offer each other mutual love and support. I know, that doesn’t seem possible, but it really is. They have been for the greater part of the new millennium.
After moving out of home in 2001 to piss off her parents, Khloé lived with The Game and a bunch of other dudes in some bizarro LA share house, when she was 17 and he was still recording his first mixtape. That is to say, they’ve gone from “not even remotely famous” to being “so famous you get cyber-bullied literally multiple times a second” together.
Next question: Did The Game Fuck Kourtney Kardashian? There’s very little evidence here. I can’t even find a photo of them together. Plus, Kourtney’s been dating Scott Disick since 2006 and she’s a faithful woman; or like, too obsessed with maintaining a paleo diet to find time to have an affair.
If the Game “fucked” Kourtney, speaking hypothetically, it would’ve been around 2005 when they were running in the same Hollywood circles. That’s when “The Documentary” was going platinum and Kourtney was making her television debut in Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive—E!’s attempt to capitalise on the popularity of The Simple Life by ripping off the exact premise with a different group of wealthy kids.
Unlikely though. Goddamn it, The Game, why did you lie to me? Why? “Sauce” is a LIE.
Kim is my last hope that The Game is an honest man. So, sir, did you or did you not have sexual relations with a woman by the name of Kim Kardashian-West née plain old Kardashian?
Oh my god. You did. You goddamn did. Or at least, I really think you might have, because you actually really truly dated. I found a 2013 BBC Radio1Extra interview where The Game says “I went and dated Kim for a while. A little short while,” and if “dated” means “gave a post-coital snuggle to” The Game is not an all-out liar, and his dick remains #CockGoals.
Listen to the ludicriousness of "Sauce" below: