@Seinfeld2000 Interviewed the Porn Star Bree Olson About 'Seinfeld'

Gearge Costanza reading the Bree Olson issue of 'Penthouse.' All photoshops by the author

[Editor's Note: Meet our friend @Seinfeld2000. He uses Twitter as a platform to imagine a surreal hellscape in which Seinfeld is still on in the modern era. _Noted pornographic actress (and avowed Seinfeld _fan) Bree Olson recently followed him on Instagram, so he decided to interview her.]__

Whats up!! have u seen the new Avengers movie yet? k, so if u havent, one of the Avenger is played by Elizbath Olson. Shes the third Olson Twin from Full House but also she has a respecteble and dignify acting carere in her own right

now i know what ur thinking in ur mind: "ok seinfeld2000, where the deuce (stewey from family guy referance) are u going with this. so far u havent imagened even 1 epsode of what seinfeld would be like if its still on TV today. I mean, if i wanted to hear about 'lamestream' movies i would simply scroll my cursor to my URL toolbar and click it and type in moviefone.com and then visit to that web site and then read a synopses of AVengers Age of Ultron"

To which i say, cool the eff out dillwad because im literaly getting to it. Im just giving u some context first on what this artical is about. In the words of Uncle danny tannar, "how rude, cut it out! have mercy dont touch my hair"

k, so the other day i was scroling around on my instgram account, and i just notice that Elizbath Olson was folowing me on insta!!!! so naturaly i did what anybody would do, i said out loud, "are u kidding me?" and then i used the Instagram's DM feature to slide in to her DMs and request an interview for one of my popular articales on VICE.com which some times get over 10 likes on facebook

Honestly before she responded i was already geting wicked excited becase in adition to asking her about what seinfeld would be like if its today, i can ask her about what she just think, just like, opinion-wise, about what Full house would be like today seeing as since she was part of the lovable trio that played Michele before breaking off on her own to conquar the Hollywood movie scene with roles in serios indie fare like Marley and Me but also prove that shes have the CHOPS to also apear in big blockbuster's like Avengers Age of Ultran BABY!!!

Becase you know how Full house is coming back but none of the olsen twins are returning to the TV becase there too busy designing cloths

Then a funny thing hapened. i was looking at her instagran pics and then realized that the person i thought was Elizbath Olson? Actualy she was the AVN-award-winning actress Bree Olson. LIke, basicaly i had a mix-up in my brain and got so excited one celeb was folowing me that i didnt stop to realize it was a totaly diferent celeb with a similar name and similar gold hair. I guess its true what they say: congative disonance is a wild beast that cant be tamed

But u know what bro it was totaly cool and kind of a "six of one, dozen of the other" type of sitch because i am also very familier with Bree olson. one time my dad caught me "losing the contest" to one of her vids just like in the epsode of Seinfeld where Gerge mom catch gerge "treating his dadbod like it was an amusement park" except where Gerges mom injured herself, my dad was fine and he took it upon himself to bring up the incidence at the most inoportune times like at my hs graduatien.

Speaking of Seinfeld, check out How Seinfeld's Theme Was Created on Noisey

I was still hella stoke to interview Bree tho, even more than i would have been to interview Elizbath Olson, ESPECIALY after my best friend karim pointed out to me that this year (2015) bree actualy took it upon her self to watch every epsode of seinfeld and she tweted her opiniens on each seasen which is prety sick.

Not to mentien also the fact that shes in the latest Human Centipide movie, Human Centepede 3, and she was involved with Charlie Sheen during his meltdown when he said "winning" so many times and it became his catch prhrase almost like Krame from sienfeld when he was always say "GIDDY UP" except IRL!!!!

So there was plenty to talk about with bree, who if u read to the end of the interview, Im prety sure shes my girlfriend now. (Im like 85 percent sure)

VICE: You recently comitted to watching whole of seinfeld. What made you want to do that?
Bree Olson: I did. I watched all of them from the very first episode up until the last within about a week or so. Everyone kept recommending that I watch it for years so while I had a bit of downtime, I decided to power through it.

What did u take away from the experience?
Nothing.

What was your favorite epsode?
It's hard to remember specifically what my favorite episode is, but I really enjoyed seasons four and five the most I would say. Kramer was my absolute favorite and there were times in the show where I would be laughing out loud so hard. It was usually the moments in between the moments. The actors were great. Well, all except for Jerry.

Least favorite epsode?
I think my least favorite episode is when George's fiancé died. It's not that it bothered me or anything—I just found it to be a little too slapstick. I also hated the episodes with Jerry's parents.

Now that u seen all of seinfeld, what do u think the show would be like if it was still on TV today with brand new episodes? I guess what I'm asking is, what if seinfeld was modarn today?
That's actually a question that I asked myself the entire show. I think they would be going on a lot of Tinder dates.

Ur in the Human Centipede 3. So, k, i have a funny twete abt the Human centipede. Its a photoshop with Newman in place of the Dr. from the first movie and it says in the text part of the twete, it gos: "the Newman Centipede." Be honest, what do you think of that twete, like did you LOL.
Oh my gosh! Dying! Dying! That is so funny! I think the movies would be much more terrifying with him in them.

If Seinfeld was still on the TV today and u could be a new character in it, what would your character be?
I would want the show to make it so that Elaine realizes that she is gay and I would want to be her girlfriend, but preferably not get killed by licking envelopes.

Did you know theres seinfeld porn parody? Thoughts?
LOL, no I did not. They will make a parody out of anything these days.

k. what did u think of the epsode where kram gets camcorder and he starts to playing around with Elane and they start joking around about Elane being in adult film its called "Elane does the upper west side" and then she starts flirting around with George and saying that all her scene with gerge were "unsimulated" and then Gerge starts gettng all HOT AND HEAVY
It was OK, but not my favorite episode. I really appreciate that they did not over-sexualize Elaine. The most we ever saw of her body was only in one episode, when she was in a little workout outfit. I really appreciate the show for doing that. I mean, obviously she frequently discussed being sexually active, but she was never made out to be a slut or portrayed in a trashy light whatsoever.

Would u be cool w me photoshoping u in to that epsode as art work for this interview? Dont wory, ur in good hands, im pretty good with photoshop, which i guess you know because you follow me on the instagram
Yes!

Your initiels are B. O. just like Barack Obame but also like "body odor," like in that one epsode of Seinfeld where Jerys valet has B. O. and then he and elane cant get the body odoir smell out of the car and Elane even cant get it out of her hair and then jery (spoiler alart) eventualy end up just simply giving his crisp SAAB to a homeless man and even the homeless is like P. U.!!!! Have you ever had any funny experiences with B. O. like that
LOL, you are funny and that was also a very funny episode. I deal with the body odor all the time. I live in Los Angeles—all I have to do is walk down the street.

What about Gerge's porn star name "buck naked" do you think that's a good porn name
No, I do not like the name Buck Naked, and I don't care for George because the first time I ever saw that actor was in Pretty Woman, where he tried to rape Julia Roberts, so I went into the show with a strong dislike for him right off the bat.

It was funny when he tries to make that joke to his mother ("yeah Im buck naked") and it competly goes over her head
LOL, that was funny.

You were one of Charlie Sheens "goddeses" during his meltdown few years ago. What do you think Two & Half Men would be like if it was still on TV today? With all the new technology & referances we have. Things like the apple watch, microsoft surfece tablet, and so on
I have never really watched Two and a Half Men to be able to tell you. And for the record I have always been a goddess, it's just that Charlie brought it to everyone's attention. Wink.

Theres this girl that I like, do you think it would be a good date to ask her to my place and watch Bee Movie? and then she comes over and I have all the treats from seinfeld laid out on the table like Junior Mints, Jujy fruits, Peach schnapps, you know, the list goes on. Pretzels. Drake's coffee cake, but maybe not snapple bc it "too fruity."
Ha ha ha! You are hilarious. I want to be that girl, that sounds amazing.

Do u want to watch Bee Movie with me?
YES!

What if you were in Bee Movie? It would be called Bree Movie?
Hahahaha! Omg.

Follow @Seinfeld2000 on Twitter.