Frozen pizza can be the greatest dinner in the world. It tastes like takeaway, but you don’t have to talk to a stranger. Also you can add extra cheese, or Sriracha sauce, or fresh avocado on top. Heck, I once added five slices of Bega to one margherita, and endured a long night of cheesy nightmares.
I also enjoy the most contentious frozen flavour: the Hawaiian pizza. In some people’s eyes, this makes me an unsophisticated ass hat. Gordon Ramsay even once stated “you don’t put fucking pineapple on a pizza.” However, both Menulog and Order-In say it’s Australia’s second most popular flavour. And my taste buds belong to the Australian public, and not to the snobby elite.
That being said, just because frozen Hawaiian pizzas can be good, doesn’t mean every one will be great. In fact, most of them taste sickly-sweet and would ruin your Friday night. So in order to save your wallet, and your tongue, I decided to taste-test all of them. That’s right: I went to ALDI, Woolies, IGA, and Coles. And I bought every frozen brand that they had.
McCain’s Ham and Pineapple Pizza Singles - $7.00
It was around 11:30AM on a Saturday when I sat down to start doing this. And to be honest, I was feeling pretty worried. You see, I already had two croissants for breakfast. I was getting a head cold and was also feeling quite nauseous. This did not bode well for future Joel. I knew that today would either cure me of my sickness or destroy me. And there was no way of knowing what my stomach would do.
Fortunately for me, McCain makes a pretty great slice. Their dough tasted like actual dough. The ham was juicy, and pineapple balanced out its saltiness. I’d say this was a better deal than a Dominos.
McCain’s Ham and Pineapple Pizza Slices - $5.00
This pizza is exactly the same as the previous one, except it’s rectangular. This McCain is therefore worse. Why would you lose your iconic shape just so you’d look like a raffle meat platter?
McCain’s Ham and Pineapple Family Pizza - $6.50
Ah McCain, you’ve done it again. As in, you made the same fucking pizza three times. But in all seriousness, which McCain is the best? I’d say this one. Because it’s larger, and not a disgusting rectangle, you can actually taste its crust. And its crust is pillowy, chewy, and delicious.
Dr Oetker’s Pizza Hawaiian - $7.00
Everything went downhill on this pizza. The sauce was sweet, the pineapple sweeter, and the whole slice was like microwaved candy. And don’t trust the garlic bread-esque lawn clippings. They work on the box, but not in practice.
D’agostino’s Hawaiian - $3.50
This pizza was also too sweet, and it made me feel like a newborn. My squishy face screamed “take me back to before!”
International Cuisines’ Family Pizza Hawaiian - $2.95
I had just hit the halfway mark, and my body was already a disaster. My stomach was doing backflips. My mind was made out of pineapple. I wrote down in my tasting journal, “Joel felt over this.”
But this pizza—this crunchy and golden pizza—it rescued me. Its airy, hot crust transported me to Venice. The ham was a salty breeze, and the pineapple was a tangy summer’s day. This frozen pizza tasted like an actual pizza. And that’s the highest compliment I could give.
International Cuisines’ Pizza Slices Hawaiian - $2.95
Never purchase this oblong. Yes, I know it’s the same brand as the last one. But it’s rectangular shape legitimately ruins the pizza. It destroys the aesthetics and makes the dough doughy. It’s the four-square nobody deserved.
Coles’ Hawaiian Pizza - $3.00
Have you ever accidentally eaten a slug? Then congrats, you know what this pizza tastes like.
Woolworths’ Hawaiian Family Favourite - $2.95
Look folks, I don’t want to look like a Woolworths stan. I don’t want this to look like sponsored content. Woolworths! Your pokies empire was rubbish. Your Lion King landfill was gross. And your theme song’s the worst of the worst.
That being said, this pizza was almost perfect. The cheese was creamy and comforting. The ham and pineapple were acidic yet salty. And it also had this rad orange packing, which gave the brand extra style points.
Jase’s Kitchen’s Ham and Pineapple Mini Pizza - $6.40
This gluten-free pizza cost me $6.40. And just look at how tiny it is. That’s an average of $1.28 per bite, plus it tasted awful. The crust coated my tongue in this tart, papery slime. If I bought this for my celiac friends, then that’d be the cruelest of jokes.
Papa Giuseppi’s Pizza Pie - $6.50
The pineapple on this pizza was disgusting. I legit thought that it was off and I was going to get sick. I even asked my partner if had they poisoned this pie. They didn’t respond. It therefore may not be Papa Giuseppi’s fault, and I’ll die in a couple of days.
Papa Giuseppi’s Deep Pan Hawaiian - $6.50
The day was going surprisingly well. My cold had absorbed most of the pizza and I felt like I could get to the end without crashing. However, this pizza nearly destroyed my soul. When I cut into the pan, it was wet. It was so soggy I actually started to cry. And my first bite wasn’t any better. It was a swimming pool of sweet sauce, clammy ham, and sickly pineapple. I almost couldn’t swallow this bite. And Papa Giuseppi’s a monster.
So, what did we learn today? Well, obviously we learned that if you’re getting a cold, eating a lot of pizza will probably cure you. But we also discovered that Woolies and International Cuisines make the best frozen Hawaiian pizzas. And if you stay clear of Papa Giuseppi, and anything that comes in a rectangular slice, you’ll have a fine night in Hawaii.
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