Ranking the Synonyms for Weed From Best to Worst

Time to indulge in some of that dank...devil's lettuce?

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13 May 2017, 5:20am

I don't smoke weed. The last time I "smoked" a "cone," my field of vision shrunk down to the size of a pea, and everything else around that itsy-bitsy pea went black, so I was basically floating in infinite space, viewing my own real life through a very, very small keyhole. I believed that I had not yet been born, and my life to date was just some strange, elaborate play being staged for me to watch; like looking into an aggressively complex kaleidoscope. Then when my friend took me home (thank you, so much) it felt like the car was driving straight upwards into space, genuinely like a fucking rocket, shooting up fully vertical so the G-Force of whatever you might call it was pinning to my seat, when we were really just in his mom's ute driving like 60K tops along some suburban road.

Holy shit. That is so heavy to type out. Fuck. How ridiculous. Honestly, how fucking stupid. Really, I am just, so, so under qualified to write anything about weed. Like, almost comically so, but like, not quite, because that story is actually much more depressing and weird than it is laugh-out-loud funny. But here we are, because I told my editor I would have something done by 2PM, and there's a little cube in an excel spreadsheet that lays out all our stories for the week which right now just says "Isabelle Weed Story." Like, there is not even a concept. And that cube is red because I haven't done it, and I need it to turn green so I don't look like a huge piece of shit who doesn't do their job.

I'm doing it!!! I'm doing it right now guys!!! Okay!! I've come up with something I am qualified to write about weed! My Isabelle Weed Story. It's me ranking the synonyms for weed, from best to worst. Or maybe in no particular order. Just like, bear with me and let's do this.

1. Green
Ah, the Green. Or is it "green"? I'm not sure. Do colloquialisms like this count as proper nouns? I don't know. I like doing it like this: Green. Because then it's like, a bit fancier. Like somebody's name. Cool. Let's settle it there.

2. Kush
Ohhhhh yes. Oui oui oui. I like this one. I can't put my finger on why. I like to think of Kush as like, the forgotten Kardashian that lives in some Calabasas garage and just smokes bongs as fuck on Instagram live, shouting out their various weed sponsors. Hotbox that Range Rover, Kush Kardashian.

3. Pot
This is what I think parents say. I like it because it reminds me of Woodstock. Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity, bitches!! Viva la revolution.

4. Ganja
This is… not for everyone. And yet, everyone has said it. Especially Aaron, who just went to his first folk festival and is now walking around high school barefoot in fisherman's pants. That aside, he's a nice kid. Grades are slipping a little bit, but who know what's going on at home. Give him a break. Sit down next to him in the canteen. Go on. It doesn't cost anything to gift somebody a smile.

5. Choof
This is soooo fuckin Australian right? Like, who in America says choof? Actually, that is a question I can Google. Okay, just did. They don't. So it's all ours! Let's…. refrain from using it all that often.

6. Buddha
Personal story: my college was known for being a really good school. Like, still a public school, but a good one. It was also known for just being like, buried in weed. That was the reputation. It was made funnier because the street it backed onto was called Green St, and there was a Buddhist temple around the corner, with a huge golden Buddha statue. So. There you go. No further questions, your honour.

7. Just calling it 'Marijuana' but deliberately mispronounced like "Mary-jew-hannuh"
Now that's what I call…………….. pretty funny!!!!!

8. Loud
Nah this one is cool as fuck. But like, you gotta be cool enough to pull it off. It doesn't sit right on most people's tongues. Here's a good way to tell if someone's cool or not: If they can say "that loud" without sounding like fuckin Jesse Willesee.

9. The Devil's Lettuce
This is never as funny as you think it is when you say it. It's just not very clever, is it? We've heard it so many times before… and yet, yes, I am going to keep saying it. I sure am! I'm gonna keep doing it anyway because sometimes you just can't be fucked to think of anything funnier. Sometimes the easy joke is the only one you have the energy for. And sometimes "sometimes" turns to every time. Next thing you know, you're not fun anymore.

10. I'm Blem For Real
I am! I really really am!

11. Jazz Cigarette
Actually, this is quite good. But also, how did this sneak onto the list? It's not really a word for weed so much as a "joint." Let's leave it in here anyway because it's funky and I like it!

12. Skunk
Goooooooood. Very fucking good.

13. Skunk-Kunk
Even better.

14. Skunk-Kunk-Kunk
Stopstopstopstop!!! WAY too far. Not cool dude. Not fucking cool.

15. Backyard Boogie
This is disgusting and should be even more illegal than marijuana is.

16. Green Paint
Ok, you just know a public school principal came up with this in the late 1990s when he was trying to relate to The Kids during some kind of School Assembly that was called after a bunch of students were caught smoking behind the gym at lunch. Kids being Kids, they then started using "Green Paint" to mock him but Life being Life it stuck for like 2 percent of people on Earth. Isn't history incredible?

17. Rock 'n' Roll Tobacco
Well is it a Jazz herb or a Rock 'n' Roll one? Which one? Which one is it? I'm getting very mixed messages, very mixed. I'm actually really starting not to trust the site I got all these words from! Can anyone get me a legit check on urbanthesaurus.org? Like, is this shit for real or nah? Am I being, how do you say, "played for a fool"??? By a goddamn website? Not even by a living person, but by the freakin' WEB???? Is that why the call it the WEB? BEcause it's a web of FUCKIN LIES??????

18. Sinister Minister
Okay cool. So yes, I am being PUnk'ED. This is absolutely insane. Great. This went down the toilet, fast. I'm only on Number 18 and I've already shit the proverbial bed. Bad to worse. Bad to fuckin worse.

19. British Columbia
OH MY GOD. FUUUUCK. It's now 1:39 so I'm gonna leave this in here anyway I really hope you don't mind I'm so sorry I know this is just a Canadian province but let's let it go this once 'cause it 420 !!! And this article really needs to go live… ASAP !!!

20. Mackenzie Frenzy
Are these last few just strains?? Yes. I think they must be. Great job urbanthesaurus.org, you really fucked me!!! Strains are not really a 'thing' in Australia like they are in America. I think we just have 'Good', 'Bad' and 'Bush' as types of weed?

21. Banging Grandma
YOOOOO this is definitely a strain. And I want to try it. This is sick. Or wait… is it misogyny? Hmmm…makes ya think.

22. Come Chew Up on My Bubblegum
Okay, so, I think I'm gonna start smoking weed just so I can say this shit? Is that a "good" idea? Is it? IS IT ?????

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