British Sixteen-Year-Old Slashed in the Face During Mass Teen Brawl

We all know children are terrifying monsters, but it seems like their monstrousness is getting supernatural, like that Stranger Things TV show, the plot of which I believe is about kids who are freaks, or something? I haven't seen it. I cancelled my Netflix subscription after they jacked up the price and said "We're jacking up the price so we can make more Orange Is the New Black, which then got very, very shit.

Anyway, after mass brawls in both Bexley and Manchester last week, in which kids were allegedly attacked with bats and knives, feral children are at it again. The Lewisham Shopping Centre, in the south east London borough of Lewisham, was the scene of a knife crime yesterday. A 16-year-old was slashed across the neck while 100 or so schoolchildren screamed and yelped in pandemonium. The 16-year-old is said to be in a stable condition in hospital after collapsing outside Poundland.

One shopper described the scene to the Evening Standard: "I met a friend at the entrance who works in the centre and she said the floor was covered in blood. She said a schoolboy had been stabbed right in the middle of the shopping centre. Everyone was immediately evacuated and the alarms were turned on."

The shop security have been praised for waiting with the boy as ambulances arrived.

I know the last time we covered these massive school-kid fights we said it would be cool if all these uniform-clad ruffians had an all-out The Warriors-style battle with protractors as weapons, but if people are just going to get slashed in the neck around horrified bystanders then it's probably time to pack it in.

If any of you ankle-biters are reading this, let me give you some advice: if you think your life is shit now, it will get exponentially shitter if you have to spend the majority of it in a young offenders institute, and then an adult prison, where there will be a lot of Bigger Boys who will not be impressed by your Stanley knife stunts and will sit on your head until you cry every single day. Think about it; it's not worth it!

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