There Have Been Two Massive School Kid Street Brawls In the UK This Week

Oh yeah, baby! It's on! It's so fucking ON! Throw away your ties and book bags, children of the UK, because I'm thrilled to tell you that it is well and truly ON. Fill your lunch-boxes with rocks and stones, your rucksacks with bowling balls and poke your house keys through the gaps in your fingers (or, conversely, use your house keys lanyard as a makeshift morning star), because it's time for a nationwide school-kid brawl, and you're all invited.

After Monday's mass fight in Erith, Bexley, in which roughly 100 youths battered the living shit out of each other with bats and Clarks shoes, another 100 or so weans in Manchester gave it the big'un.

The fight took place at around 7:20PM – or at least that's when locals in the city's Northern Quarter called the police to report the massive fuck-off brawl. The kids involved were 13 to 17 years old, and it's not known which school they're from yet, but whichever one it is it will surely be the talk of the playground for at least one lunch break. No weapons were reportedly used in the fight on Dale Street, which is a hotspot for pubs and commuters drinking in said pubs.

This is in contrast to the Erith fight, in which two kids aged 15 and 19 (the latter's not really a kid, to be fair, and shouldn't be fighting children; should know better) were hospitalised, albeit with non-life threatening injuries.

Just imagine it, friends: chaos in the UK. Children everywhere battling for territory, smashing the Christ out of each other, little Mad Maxes running around, inventing little makeshift trebuchets. War on the streets of Britain, tiddly little pockets of pee-wee rioting all over the shop. It won't be the smell of napalm, but the smell of Panda Pops and Charlie Red body spray. The streets will run red with Tizer.

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