The fourth Transformers movie had everything you could possibly want from another entry in the venerable series: robot mayhem, women wearing incredibly impractical (yet sexy) outfits, a sick butt-rock soundtrack, comic actors slumming it as hammy villains, and a bunch of illogical shit that will make you silently pray for death until the credits roll. Here's just a small sampling of the stupidity:
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS
–Who thought up the name "Cade Yaeger"? It sounds like a cool name I would've invented for myself while squinting into the mirror as a 13-year-old.
–What the fuck is the boyfriend's accent??? They say he's supposed to be Irish, but he sounds like an Australian with no tongue. Also, he looks like Skinny Seth Rogen if you squint.
–Why do I have the sudden urge to buy a Bud Light?
–Why is that Jeep full of 30-year-olds talking about school? Are they meant to be in high school? Jesus.
–Why did the government agree to end the Autobot alliance? Did the Autobots not save the world in the last movie? Also, in the other two movies as well? What I'm saying is, the Autobots have a pretty strong track record of saving the world so far. They're 3–0.
–If you're stealing electricity from your neighbors, do you really need to have that giant neon sign and all them robots switched on, you fucking dick?
–Did Cade Yaeger maybe run out of money because he spent everything he had on American flags? Seriously, he has a flag in every room of his house.
–Why is it sunset in the shots of the CIA driving to the farm but daylight at the actual farm?
–Does this film take place in an alternate universe where all women are hot and wear cocktail dresses at all times?
–Is that scene in the movie theater taking a shot at all movies that aren't sequels or remakes? Fuck you, Michael Bay.
–Why is this movie so fucking long?
–Why do I have the sudden urge to buy a pair of Oakleys?
–What was with the samurai Transformer? Did he accomplish anything or have any relevance to the plot at all?
–Does this film exist in a universe where all Asian people know martial arts?
–Do Transformers weigh more when they're in robot form? Their weight cracks the surface of the road when they're walking on it, but not when they're driving on it.
–Did Cade invent Paulie's robot from Rocky IV?
–"My face is my warrant": What does that mean? How did this line make it all the way from a brain to a script to an actor to a movie screen to my brain? Why did nobody step in at some point along the way and point out that that doesn't really mean anything?
–Why is the boyfriend willing to drive through that bustling community center? That could've killed so many people.
–Even without using tech, how hard would it be to just put a million-dollar bounty on Optimus's head? Just say, "Optimus Prime went crazy and made a human being drive through a community center full of elderly people and also burned T. J. Miller to death. Person who turns him and his human accomplices in gets a million dollars." I WOULD DO THAT.
–"You have a conscience; you're an inventor like me." What? Since when do inventors have a conscience? Has he not seen Saw? What about atomic bombs?
–The boyfriend can't decide whether he's brave or not. He drives like a maniac through Anytown, USA, and does some kind of insane jump that's probably not humanly possible but is too much of a pussy to fight the robot sentries on the space ship. But then, he is perfectly OK following Cade onto the cables attached to the building that's 1,500 feet above the ground to escape the space ship.
–By the way, escaping the space ship on those cables is easily the worst idea any character has ever made in a major Hollywood film, and that includes all three previous Transformers movies. Why not just go find the Autobots and let them protect you? You'd really rather take your chances on those cables? Where were they going to go when they reached the end? There was no safe place to fall, and no windows that were open to let them in. Skyscraper windows DON'T OPEN. Were they just going to jump down to one of the helipads or observation decks? Those were pretty far down too. Were they hoping to commit suicide in the most complicated way possible?
–Cade is obviously a crackpot inventor who can't make anything work, but he magically becomes competent enough to hack into a CIA drone? OK.
–Why do I have the sudden urge to drink a Red Bull?
–How did Optimus and Cade escape after the big derelict factory car chase scene? Did Lockdown just decide not to follow them? What about the CIA? They had a bunch of helicopters 'n' shit there, right? They know what Optimus looks like, even in truck form. They have crazy CIA satellites everywhere.
–Was I the only one who cheered when dumb-surfer cliché T. J. Miller got burned alive?
–Is it normal to get nauseated every time Lockdown's face transforms into that giant cannon that looks like a huge penis?
–Why would the Autobots choose Monument Valley as their hiding place? Surely there are places they could hide that aren't major tourist attractions?
–Why does Optimus Prime say, "I have sworn to never kill humans"? He JUST killed a bunch of humans in the previous scene. He probably killed a ton in the last three movies too.
–That shit is seriously called "Transformium"? Fuck.
–They printed multiple fake IDs and were able to drive straight into a room containing top secret CIA technology? And Cade just strolled into that lab? I hope someone lost his job over that.
–How did that giant net get under the car to pick it up?
–They just rebuilt Chicago to look exactly as it looked pre-destruction? Including all the old buildings? They did a real good job of matching their materials. You can't tell they've been rebuilt at all.
–Why is that lab guy a Brony? The dude seriously makes a My Little Pony out of Transformium. I get that it was a synergistic crossover move by Hasbro to throw another one of their major properties into the movie, but it wasn't even on screen long enough for it to matter. We didn't even see that lab guy character again. He shows up well past the point of him being useful to the plot just for that. Fuck you.
–Why does everyone in this film have such little regard for human life? Shooting those robot dogs off of the top of the Willis Tower must have killed a bunch of people, surely? Ditto deploying the space anchors. Ditto crashing the space ship down in the street. And when the boyfriend drove his car into those CIA guys—he had no idea what was happening but was willing to kill a bunch of cops to get his girlfriend out of there? What a prick.
–Also, pretty sure I saw the Willis Tower in the background of a shot during the final battle, which is supposed to be in Hong Kong. Nice going.
–Why is Cade such a giant fucking dick hole? He crashes a space ship into the middle of the street (presumably killing A LOT of people) and some poor dude whose car he just DESTROYED, asks him a question about insurance while clearly in shock, and he threatens to murder him? Fuck that guy.
–Seriously, what the fuck is going on in this entire movie? Which robots are hitting which robots? Why do all of these robots look the same?
–OK, so Cade calls Stanley Tucci/Steve Jobs/Damon Lindelof on his cell phone. Where did he get that cell phone (which is surely trackable by Frasier Crane), and how did he get Tucci's number? Did he steal a business card on his way out of Tucci's headquarters?
–The CIA have people looking everywhere for these Transformers (and were able to find one hidden inside an abandoned smokestack), but nobody notices Optimus Prime in the middle of Chicago, parked directly outside the building they're doing shady business with?
–If KSI and the CIA are super concerned with Autobot infiltration, wouldn't they devise a test for every car that comes through security check? Bumblebee gets through the KSI gate pretty easy, and is inside their headquarters for quite awhile before the Autobots make themselves known. If it were that easy, why didn't they come up with this plan earlier? Was Cade Yaeger just such a smart guy that only HE could think to pull this off?
–Why do I have the sudden urge to buy Armani Jeans?
–Once Frasier Crane's master plan to get rich quick by selling the Seed falls through, he still goes to Hong Kong to murder Cade Yaeger. Why? Why doesn't he just go home? Was it for revenge? If so, what was he planning to get revenge for? If anything, Cade had more motivation to chase Frasier, since Frasier tried to kill his daughter.
–Did Lockdown explain to Stanley Tucci what the Seed does? Did Lockdown tell the CIA what the Seed does too? All the major villains know what the Seed is as though they grew up on Cybertron, but are also shocked to find out it's basically a nuclear bomb. What part of "turns stuff into Transformium" do you not understand?
–If they made the evil clone Transformers to be superior to the original Transformers, why do they still need to morph into midsize family cars or semi-trucks? What's the practical application of this? Stealth?
–If the evil clone Transformers are able to turn themselves into particles, why does it matter when they get stabbed with swords?
–The fat Autobot voiced by John Goodman claims he's "run out of ammo... and ideas" in the final Hong Kong battle. Transformers can RUN OUT OF AMMO? Ideas, I get. This is a Transformers movie after all. Not many "ideas" are present. Ammo, though? That seems like a serious oversight for creatures that can turn themselves into anything they want. Where does a Transformer get the right bullets for their weapons? I am 100 percent sure there is no Walmart that would sell bullets to an Autobot.
–Why do I have the sudden urge to buy some Tom Ford stuff?
–Why do all Transformers need to climb constantly? At the end, Optimus Prime uses his big rocket feet to fly into space. Is it just super dangerous to use the rocket feet in a crowded city? It's not like the Transformers have ever been super concerned with collateral damage, so just use them, dude. Pretty sure being a bit faster would make this crisis end sooner.
–Why does Optimus—or any of the Autobots, for that matter—waste time in car mode when being shot at? Driving in a straight line on a paved road makes you an easier target. Transform and jump around, or, you know, USE YOUR ROCKET FEET TO FLY AWAY.
–Why is the spaceship that Wahlberg travels to China in so slow when it flies over the Great Wall? Surely it would've taken them months to make it there?
–Did Stanley Tucci seriously drive from Beijing to Hong Kong in an evening? I tried to do a Google Map to Hong Kong from Beijing, and it seriously tells me I can't. On public transit, it says it will take a FULL DAY. What the fuck? Did he stop for gas/food/lodging while the CIA was chasing him, or did he just drive for 24 hours straight?
–Why do I have the sudden urge to buy something from Victoria's Secret?
–Why do people laugh when Tucci uses the term "tactical nuke"? What's funny about this? Everyone is pretty chill with the idea of total annihilation except for, like, five people.
–So, is this Seed the only Seed left? Why does Evil Cannon-Face Transformer have a Seed? Did the Transformer gods give him a Seed to barter for Optimus Prime? Why wouldn't they just come wipe out humanity and take Prime themselves? Did he steal the Seed? If so, wouldn't the Robot Gods be mad if he came back?
–The Dinobots seems to instinctively know who's an Autobot and who's a bad guy. Do they have some sophisticated programming that allows them to do that? Is it just more convenient for the movie?
–Why did everyone just suddenly stop wanting to kill the Autobots at the end? Are humans going to trust them again, even though they have given us yet another reason to wish they would fuck off to another planet?
–Galvatron just peaced the fuck out and went on his merry way after the Hong Kong battle ended. He gave up pretty quickly for an evil genius robot monster. Also, where is he going to hide? All his friends are presumably dead.
–What's Sam Witwicky up to these days? I bet he ratted out all the Autobots for the cash. Wouldn't you?