WEEKEND NEWS, DIGESTED

A lot of crap happened this weekend and it probably happened while you were too drunk or hungover to notice. We've rounded up the stuff you should know about.

CANNABIS FED TO DUCKS BY FRENCH FARMER FOR "DEWORMING"
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Weed-head stumbles upon logical and cost-effective way of keeping ducks' guts clean.

BBC UNCOVERS SHARIA SCHOOLS THAT TEACH KIDS TO HATE GAYS AND THIEVES
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According to a Panorama investigation, Muslim children as young as six are going to weekend schools to learn how to hack the hands off thieves and that sodomites should be thrown off cliffs. Finally something that the BBC and the Mail can agree upon (i.e. that going to school at the weekend sucks).

ERIC CANTONA CALLS FOR WORLD REVOLT
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Former footballer says placards and street protests are for pussies, and instead urges everyone to withdraw their bank savings at the same time. We've come a long way in a year. I can't speak for the rest of the civilized world, but I'd certainly be more willing to shoot someone in the head for Eric Cantona than for Zack de la Rocha.

"SCUM-MUM-OF-FIVE" WILL KEEP HAVING BABIES UNTIL GIVEN HOUSE
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Another prolific womb story.

POPE SAYS GAY PROSTITUTES SHOULD RUBBER-UP
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But all you other heathens can keep having babies.

IRELAND FALLS OVER IN THE SHIT
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Everyone else has to get mucky picking them up.

MAC HACKETT