Astro Roast
Aquarius People Are Unfeeling Aliens Who Won't Shut Up About Their Ideas
Aquarians love all things strange and unique—but sometimes, they get too weird.
Capricorns Are Self-Righteous Wet Blankets Obsessed with Wack 'Rules'
Capricorns are so buttoned-up that they'll go in for a formal handshake when meeting a literal baby.
Sagittarius: The Preachy Know-It-All Who's Optimistic at All the Wrong Times
If there's someone who thinks they're the smartest person in every room—they're probably a Sagittarius.
Scorpios Are Sex-Obsessed Instigators Who Live for Drama
They'll probably take this headline as a compliment.
Libras Are Shameless Flirts Who Have No Idea How Manipulative They Are
Libras are ruled by Venus, the planet of love—meaning they're vain as hell and absolute fools when it comes to matters of the heart.
Virgos Are Obsessive Nitpickers Easily Overwhelmed by Imperfection
While the rest of us understand that life's not perfect, Virgos constantly chide themselves and those around them for not measuring up to their absurd ideals.
Leos Are Attention-Starved Narcissists Who Never Stop Talking About Themselves
Leo is the king of the zodiac, and tends to treat others like peasants as a result.
Cancers Are Annoyingly Over-Sensitive Crabs Who Can't Take Criticism
Cancer is an emotional water sign. Those born under it tend to be giant crybabies, despite their tough crab shell.
Geminis Are Liars, Cheats, and Thieves and Everyone Knows It
Gemini is the sign of the twins. Fittingly, the average Gemini talks enough for two people, is incredibly two-faced, and loves two-timing others.
Taurus Is the Unbearably Stubborn Hedonist of the Zodiac
Taurus is the sign of the bull. Like their bovine symbol, Taurus people love nothing more than lazing about in the flowers, and absolutely despise being told what to do.
Aries People Are Insufferable Babies Who Need to Learn to Chill
Aries is the sign of the ram, and those who were born under it will obsessively butt their heads into whatever stands in their path with no regards for decency or propriety.