We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 26

You came through with the Vessel, clown carnival murder music, and [checks notes] a Shaquille O'Neal pregnancy test.
April 13, 2020, 12:04pm
We Reviewed Everything
Demonic bunny submitted via Twitter / Vessel sent via colinholmes34 on Twitter

Every few months, when we here at Noisey find ourselves feeling bored and kind of masochistic, we open up the hellish floodgates of Twitter and allow you, our dear readers, to send us anything you want us to review. Sometimes we get normal stuff, like music. Mostly we get a bunch of weird shit, like deeply scarring YouTube videos or a painting of a can of Spam. Which is fine! We will, as the headline promises, review literally whatever you send us.

Given that the entire country is currently holed up in isolation, left with nothing to do but fuck around on the internet and save Cursed Images to their camera rolls, we figured it was high time for another installment of this series, featuring commentary from VICE's own Trey Smith, Ashwin Rodrigues, Alex Zaragoza, and Drew Schwartz. Thanks to those of you who submitted this go ‘round, and apologies to anyone whose mixtape or quilt or hand-drawn portrait of the Hamburglar or whatever didn’t make the cut. Let’s dive in!

Trey: I feel like there should be a cereal that looks like this.

Ashwin: Now we know what it would look like if Spencer's Gifts made pizza rolls.

Alex: Some unfortunate 25-year-old Asian woman has to look at the IRL version of this every day.

Drew: Is that.... Nic Cage? What's going on with his lips? Aside from how disturbing this is—and to be clear, it's very disturbing—this pillow looks absurdly uncomfortable.

Trey: Drew, it gets even more fucked up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIEkQEk0YxU

Drew: Dear god.

Trey: If it works, it works.

Alex: Listen, if I have to take a pregnancy test I wouldn't mind two free Shaq stickers as a treat.

Ashwin: These tests, if real, are 37.3 percent more accurate than Shaq's free throws. That's a real "slam dunk!"

Drew: Shaq is a spokesman for, like, 10,000 brands. Icy Hot. Papa John's. Gold Bond. Something called "Soupman." This comes as no surprise to me.

Trey: There is no soap in this photo, no running water, and no friction between the hands. Trash hand washing technique. Also I am not going to acknowledge what I assume you want us to acknowledge regarding this.

Alex: I agree with Trey. This is also not proper ass-spreading technique, and I worry about the rectal health of whoever modeled for this.

Ashwin: If you tilt your head, this is a diagram for what not to do with a Q-Tip.

Drew: The only thing I'll say about this is that the thumbs on both hands are significantly longer than the fingers, which is strange.

Trey: This is pretty good. I like the Bourdain one a lot.

Drew: Yeah, you could sell that on Big Cartel in like five seconds flat.

Alex: These are really nice. But putting Cristiano Ronaldo in the same grouping as Bourdain, Yoko Ono, and Jimi Hendrix feels kind of bold.

Trey: Didn’t notice that was Ronaldo until Alex pointed it out. I rescind my earlier statement.

Ashwin: It's too bad, too. The Portuguese-style tiles behind Ronaldo were a nice touch. Should've painted Figo instead.

Trey: Any Portuguese player would've been better than that shithead.

Trey: Really interesting project. Unrelated question: What are y'all's art school degrees in?

Alex: Sounds like the soundtrack to a murder mystery set at a 1890s carnival. Frightening stuff, but that's probably what you were going for.

Drew: Accurate assessment, Alex. I don't know how far you made it into this bad boy—which, by the way, clocks in at an utterly insane 29 minutes long—but the Clown Core thing really heats up at around 12:45. Fully terrifying.

Trey: Can’t relate as I’ve never had sex before, but it do be like that.

Alex: We might need to consult the Planter's Peanuts Twitter account on this one, but yeah, that sometimes happens after a particularly intense nutting.

Ashwin: I believe there's a term for this: Masturbation Guilt.

Drew: Another choice gem from this song: "Need a new bitch with her titties more rounded." Visionary stuff.

Trey: Again, if it works, it works. Good on you doing the most with the cards you’ve been dealt.

Ashwin: This backdrop appears to be on the ground. I've never taken a photo from this angle, but I imagine directly opposing gravity isn't ideal. But appropriate, for the times.

Drew: It seems like literally any wall might work better than this, but hey—that's just me.

Alex: Good job taking the preferred clothing of theater stagehands and hardcore dudes and making it work for you. Would be interested to know what these are a backdrop for.

Trey: I could definitely see myself being kind of faded at a party and not hating it if one of these songs came on, but also still having an opinion of the person who decided to play one of these songs.

Alex: This is probably what a white frat kid plays at a kegger at an Arizona State University house party to get some laughs.

Ashwin: Yeah. Horny beer pong music.

Drew: The first track sounds like a song Lil Dicky tried to write and then gave up on. Anyway, I stand with my colleagues: I suppose if you are a) white b) blackout wasted and c) in a sweaty frat basement somewhere, this music works.

Trey: *giving people a tour of my home* “And finally, this is where the magic happens: My weird fish pillow room.”

Alex: The product highlights say it all: "perfect for decorating your car, elegant and beautiful, make your room more lively." Even so, I bet this triggers some bad memories for the Deadliest Catch dudes.

Ashwin: My favorite part of the product description is "built with fish shape." Given that it appears they Photoshopped the fish pillows into this image, I wish they'd been more creative than putting them on a bedroom floor.

Drew: The product description is high art. I also love the fish pillow itself. I want it desperately. At $6.69 (a steal), I'd happily blow my entire stimulus check on, like, 150 of these and just fill a room with them.

Alex: All I saw was 69.

Trey: Nice.

Ashwin:

I imagine this playing at a socially distant rave. Just one guy in an airplane hangar.

Drew: Yeah, just raging his face off, sweating profusely. Love that. It also kind of sounds like the soundtrack to a really, really terrible ketamine trip.

Trey: Good song selection for what it’s worth.

Alex: Danny Boyle would lay this shit down to a scene where Ewan McGregor runs down some alleyway after nicking sum charlie off a dealer played by Vinnie Jones innit?

Trey: There’s definitely stuff on here that I like more than the other stuff on here. Whole bunch of ideas floating around and I respect the whole “going for it” method. It’s decent.

Alex: I'm super into the vibe you're going for here. I could easily put this on as chill background music during a kickback and I bet at least two people would ask me who this is. Very good.

Ashwin: I really like the drums throughout this record. Could put this on and cook dinner to it.

Drew: That first song rules! So does "Savannah." Whoever Karina Pasian is, she has a great voice.

Trey: This kicks ass. Also DM me the album cover that got taken down. I'm curious now.

Alex: Why do I keep hearing "Hotel California" on that first track? I also get Fleetwood Mac vibes from the second track. Your voice also kind of sounds like Ian Astbury from The Cult. I guess that's to say I can hear a lot of your references.

Ashwin: I'm getting more of a "crushing cold beers in a warm garage" vibe than "asses touching in the shower" from this music. I like it.

Drew: Yes, there's some big garage beer energy on display here. Unrelated, "Meat Keys" is a crazy name for a song.

Trey: This is like the soundtrack to one of those experimental horror films that’s different frames of unsettling shit like an old lady brushing her teeth so hard they eventually fall out but new ones grow in or a person cutting into a pumpkin and it starts bleeding or something.

Drew: You've somehow managed to make a tracklist—"Caught," "Shot," "Chopped," "Wrapped," "Hauled," "Dumped," "Displayed," "Doused," "Seared," and "Scattered"—that precisely mirrors how I order my hashbrowns at Waffle House.

Ashwin: With this super low-octave pig-grunt metal, I'm always curious what they're actually saying. Could be a great brisket recipe in there, and we just wouldn't know. I would consider using this as weightlifting music, if I had access to a gym.

Alex: Every metal dude I've ever known (or dated) liked to pretend he was really dark and loved playing really upsetting, assaulting shit like this but was actually the sweetest guy. Every metal chick I know is also an angel. Nice try attempting to fool me, Fluids. I know you volunteer at old folks' homes after downloading audio clips from old copies of Faces of Death.

Trey: Beautifully laid out. The essays I’ve read so far are great. Will be getting a physical copy for myself.

Alex: This is gorgeous. Would also purchase. Shout out to that piece by Marlene Jimenez in this issue.

Drew: Yeah, this looks great. Or, to take a cue from your centerfold: THIS FUCKING ZINE IS FUCKING IMPECCABLY DESIGNED AND SEEMS FUCKING WELL WORTH MY FUCKING TIME SO IF I EVER FUCKING SEE IT OUT IN THE FUCKING WORLD MAYBE I'LL FUCKING PICK IT UP.

Ashwin: That track "everything easy" is definitely hitting that "Lo Fi Beats to Drink Blue Gatorade to" frequency. Which, based on the album art, you were going for.

Trey: Everything on this sounds like either extremely chill shit made for the Tumblr crowd or pro wrestler entrance music. Respect.

Alex: Yes, pro wrestler entrance music. That's exactly it, and that's no detriment at all to what you're doing here.

Ashwin: I forgot about the Bagel Boss guy. The backing soundtrack here really makes this video even sadder, as if it's the internal music of the bagel guy's insecurity. I hope he's doing ok.

Drew: Yeah I'm seeing this video in a whole new light. Just unbelievably depressing, when you add the whole Requiem for a Dream musical element to the mix.

Trey: I’m not sure why you would do this to this beautiful song but OK.

Alex: Bagel Boss is doing Cameos now. He's fine. Godspeed You! Black Emperor might be upset though.

Ashwin: $50 a video? Nevermind. Fuck off, Bagel Boss guy.

Trey: This is pretty chill but I like that there’s some humor that comes out in the different tracks in a way. You’ve got a talent for naming songs and picking good cover art. Keep up the good work.

Ashwin: How can you hate on an album with a cover of Jesus Christ crossing up the devil? "Hausgatos" sounds like something Adult Swim would play during their little interludes. I wouldn't say this "probably sucks," as you did in your tweet.

Alex: Kind of like if The Avalanches watched a bunch of Comedy Central Premium Blend clips.

Drew: Yeah, or maybe like if Madlib listened to a bunch of video game soundtracks. But I like it!

Trey: You appear to be doing some weird cosplay as a _Mad Men-_era socialite so I gotta say it’s not looking completely great.

Ashwin: Who would decide to join Twitter on April 6, 2020? That's a bad sign.

Drew: Yeah, I don't know exactly where "logging on to create an alter ego in the form of a highly connected 60s-era aristocrat" lands you on the scale from Fine to Fully Losing It, but you may want to consider doing literally anything other than this.

Alex: I love The Crown and all but this is next-level commitment I can't get behind, especially if you're going to make a weird racist joke about an African dignitary.

Trey: This room sucks but I like the photo.

Drew: Yeah, it's tight.

Ashwin: The walls look like they're made from the wood composite material in IKEA products. Is this a diorama?

Alex: This is every Brooklyn trust fund kid's $6,000 apartment when they cosplay poverty.

Trey: As the only person here qualified to speak on such a device, I don’t have any use for this but I’m glad that it exists for some reason.

Ashwin: Respectfully, I am just curious if The Mark Cuban Company is a real company.

Alex: I googled the "Mark Cuban Company" and got to the poorly designed website where there's an old blog and a tab labeled "female led," and one of the products charges electronics wirelessly so I assume it's for vibrators.

Drew: It is a real company, and Mark Cuban really did invest in this.

Trey: OK, I just read that link and I am now fully on with this product. Congrats to that dude, I wish him the best.

Ashwin: I like how you have your vibraphone mallets (sticks?) in your profile pic. This is very easy listening, "Baila Conmigo" is a standout for me.

Trey: Real 'cleaning your house on a Sunday morning' soundtrack. I will be cleaning my house on a Sunday morning to this in the near future.

Alex: Remember Judy, Doug's dramatic, jazz-head sister on Doug? This is extremely her shit.

Drew: Oh, 100 percent. She could choreograph the fuck out of some weird dance to any of these songs.

Ashwin: I'm not a zoological expert, and I don't know what a happy hippo sounds like, but this does not sound like what I imagine a happy hippo sounds like.

Trey: This sounds like what it feels like when you’re peeing while on acid.

Drew: Somebody should pitch that. Peeing… On Acid!

Alex: I bet this is what aliens fuck to.

Trey: I watched a lot of this show a few months ago. Haven’t got past the middle of season 2 yet but from what I've seen it’s really fun and in general the foreign language Netflix shows (especially Dark and Elite those are my shit) don’t get the love and respect they deserve.

Alex: I have yet to watch this show, but it's on my queue. I'll just @ you once I get to it.

Trey: This reminds me of hanging out outside in warm weather and now I’m pissed off I can’t hangout outside, so thanks.

Ashwin: I remember outside. I could imagine this playing there.

Drew: Sorry: Out… side? What is that, an app or something?

Alex: This would 100 percent be on the soundtrack of an Anne Hathaway rom-com during a fashion montage.

Trey: The smooth sounds of a Forever 21.

Alex: I make it a personal mission to avoid anything "Blonde + Wilde" because those types are the first to call the cops on you. Even so, this would fit in perfectly on a CW teen drama.

Drew: Oh big time. The Popular Girl discovers her so-called "friends" are actually shallow and mean and tries to talk to her Football Boyfriend about it but he doesn't understand, so she breaks up with him and runs off crying to the nearest bathroom, clutches the sink with both hands and stares into the mirror and then BOOM, this song starts playing.

Drew: "Alright kids, everybody say 'AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!'"

Trey: You all look like you’re on your way to hurt someone. Love the energy on display.

Ashwin: I always find it weird when children are pushing around toy babies, but I get it. There seems to be another child behind the crying one. Mysterious.

Alex: I've had every one of the haircuts and worn all of these outfits. The little one dragging their back leg looks like they're ready to eat someone's face. Actually, this could be the cover of a sick riot grrrl album.

Trey: This is sick. Makes me want to listen to his other stuff, which is usually the marker of a song being pretty good. Dude should keep making music in my opinion.

Alex: I think I'm gonna need a Shaquille O'Neal Pregnancy Test™. This is fire.

Drew: If it's good enough to mysteriously, possibly impregnate my colleague through her headphones, it's good enough for me.

Trey: STIIIINNNNNKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYY

But seriously, this is the most batshit thing I’ve ever heard. I love it. It appeals directly to several of my interests. That switch up in the middle? Genius. This is pure art. As long as 100 or so better songs don’t get released before December, I am going to do everything I can to make sure this ends up on our songs of the year list. Great job, Denim Boys.

Ashwin: I don't think a comedy sketch has ever brought people together and produced so much follow-up content. Good song. Go to hell, PAUL.

Alex: Now do "Baby of the Year"!

Trey: I’ve never been to this. It looks like a Christmas ornament that’s a Fashion Nova partner on Instagram. Can honestly say that I do not care about this thing and have no opinion of it.

Ashwin: When this thing first got built, everyone was calling it a shawarma. That's disrespectful to shawarma, which actually serves a delicious purpose. This thing is just the pickle on the obscene wealth sandwich that is Hudson Yards.

Alex: Ashwin, the Mexican contingent said it looked like a spit of adobada, which it definitely also looks like. My mom made me take her to this thing when she last came to visit because she saw it in one of her magazines, and then she wanted to go shopping in the adjacent mall, and then she wanted a hot dog. I felt nothing the whole time.

Drew: Fuck this thing, fuck Hudson Yards, and fuck every single picture of it on Instagram.

Trey: I’m not sure why but this makes me uncomfortable and I do not like it at all. If I walked into a room and saw this arrangement sitting there I would be 90 percent sure that I would not be leaving that room the same person I was walking into it.

Ashwin: This appears to be the window display for a jewelry store that also sells nightmares.

Drew: Extremely haunted. Those bunnies look sentient. Like, every Easter, at the stroke of midnight, they come alive and scamper out into the world, slaughtering everyone who crosses their path using nothing but their fucked-up teeth.

Alex: This is what happens when you eat Cadbury Creme Eggs at Boris Johnson's house.

Trey: Never seen this show but that’s a strong quarantine look.

Ashwin: Expect to see someone buying milk and eggs in this outfit within two weeks.

Drew: That's when we'll know we've fully entered Mad Max territory.

Alex: This gif goes along with any song, even Fluids' "Caught."

Ashwin:

The last song on here could be playing in a TV show where the main character, fresh off a breakup, is riding their bike on an empty street.

Trey: Honestly all these songs sound like they should be listened to on a bike.

Alex: Oh yeah this is CW teen drama soundtrack gold, with or without the bike. I wanna see the blonde girl from Riverdale get pressured into doing cocaine at a party to this.

Trey: A lot of CW influence coming out in this edition. We may have to investigate that channel’s impact.

Alex: I am realizing this also. Yeah, we should definitely look into this.

Drew: "We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Vol. 26—Brought to You by The CW"

Trey: I composed the copy for this tweet when I was taking a dump so don’t really have to imagine too much. I love working from home.

Ashwin: "Imagine reading this on the toilet" was the original slogan for Twitter dot com. Get serious.

Alex: Imagine there's no heaven! Over to you, Kristen Wiig!

Drew: You should've sent us the poop. If we don't get a poop to review next time we do this, I'm walking.

This article originally appeared on VICE US.