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Rob Ford Has a Terrible Photographer

Rob Ford has such an awful photographer for his official Facebook page that we're concerned they may be out to get him.

by Patrick McGuire
Feb 20 2013, 5:30pm

Hi haters.

Our main man Rob Ford has unfortunately been doing a mediocre job at engaging with the kids on social media—and we think we know exactly why. His photographer is awful. Now, while it might be helpful for whatever visually clueless political aide that Rob has documenting him, to put their point-and-shoot camera down, and read a damn book about rule of thirds and proper focus, the damage has already been done. Above, you can see one of this weak photographer’s greater triumphs. Robbie sitting in a flashy McLaren whip, telling his haters that they can’t tell him nothin’. Unfortunately, save for this glorious photo that Rob has made his Facebook Cover image, Rob’s Facebook page is riddled with unflattering portraits of Toronto’s one true King.

What the hell is this framing all about? Why are we looking at half of Rob’s rosy face, and three quarters of that seafoam green, vintage Caddy? Is Rob even interested in the Caddy? We could see Rob booting around the city in this classy vehicle, blaring “Money Ain’t a Thang”’ and waving at all his gorgeous lady constituents, but please, ask the man to pose for a photo with the car. Shoot the car so you can actually see all of it. And what is Rob looking at anyway? There’s probably something way cooler on the horizon that only Rob can see. Trust this man’s vision.

No! Come on! He doesn’t even have his eyes open and his skin looks like it’s made of bubble gum and ham. Look at the contrast between the shadow on his forehead and the harsh light striking his cheek. His left hand is moving up to his face, showing up like a blurry pink paw in the photo, but he’s probably just trying to scratch a kingly itch that was chafing our dude’s face. Plus he’s in front of some boring ancient vehicle that no one ever has wanted to take a photo beside. Why was this uploaded?

The job of an official political photographer is to try and make their subject look incredibly powerful. Most people didn’t even know Franklin D. Roosevelt was paralyzed because there are only two photographs that exist of him in a wheelchair. And yet here Rob's photographer goes, snitching on the King of Toronto for being afraid of an owl.

Don’t sweat it Rob. Owls are scary. They don’t have a proper bedtime, and their necks move all crazy and Excorcist-like. VICE Canada does not fault you for this one.

Alright, well this is somewhat better. At least this photo portrays our man Rob holding the untestable power of death in his hands, but again, why is the official photographer getting left behind and pushed back by the throng of drooling and obnoxious Canadian media camera crews. This person should have an illuminated vest that clearly states their position as the official documentarian of King Robbie. They should also be armed with bear mace and a baton. And that should be legal. All for the love of the Facebook photo album.

Really though? I am beginning to wonder whether or not this photographer even cares about Rob Ford. Look, every photographer makes mistakes sometimes, but who looked at this on their camera’s preview LCD and thought: “Amazing! Rob looks great! Look at how squished up and blurry his face is. That red hue in his face—that’s coming out from the mixture of cold weather and sheer frustration at how he’s portrayed in the media—will play well on the internet!”

The only subject who looks good in this photo is, literally, the possum. I can kind of appreciate the angle this photo takes. I feel like I am inside of Rob’s head. So close to his brain and his thoughts that I can almost hear the whispering of his third eye: “That possum might spray me or bite me or somethin' and I don’t know why I’m here.” Beyond mind-reading, you can literally see a droplet of sweat beating down Rob's face. This is not the kind of messaging that a Facebook page for such a storied political leader should be communicating. Get a photo where Rob is holding the possum up above his head Lion King style, on one knee, screaming out with a bunch of fireworks behind him. This weak image just makes Rob look like he’s afraid of scrappy fuzzballs.

Rob Ford has a face. That is the face that people voted for, tried to discredit and remove from office, and eventually heard the bellowing and victorious laughter emerge from when he conquered his adversaries. Why is that face not being photographed? It appears that this photographer is seriously out to injure Rob Ford’s reputation. This is not a Polanksi film or an episode of 60 Minutes. The over-the-shoulder shots are unnecessary. Take a good photo, please.

Ok, that’s more like it. But really, if you can’t make a mayor in a suit look good, while he’s sitting in one of the most expensive and cool looking cars on the planet, you have probably already been incarcerated and removed from civilization for being so unwell. So, good luck out there Robbie. Your photographer is a saboteur who is dry snitching on you.

Follow Patrick on Twitter: @patrickmcguire

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Rob Ford, the World's Greatest Mayor, Has Conquered His Adversaries