Advertisement
This story is over 5 years old
Music by VICE

Imaginary Band

Everybody has a friend who is in a band—or at least a friend who claims to be in a band. Check out the following accounts of people who claim to be in totally real, serious bands.

by VICE Staff
Jan 1 2000, 12:00am



Everybody has a friend who is in a band—or at least a friend who claims to be in a band. Check out the following accounts of people who claim to be in totally real, serious bands.

REPLACING CARPET
Location: Houston, Texas
Website: n/a


OK, so you’re in a fake band?

Was in a fake band. I guess it’ll never die in some ways. It was called Replacing Carpet.

How did this masterpiece come to be?

That’s a long story. The name came about on a trip to Houston. The hotel we were staying at had a sign that read “Pardon our noise. We are replacing carpet.” We realized that would be a good way to introduce ourselves on stage. We got ahead of ourselves a little too quickly. In retrospect we should have made a firmer commitment to a specific direction. We were a lot of fun, but I think we also confused a lot of people.

Sounds like you had a short run. Any shows?

Three shows total: one music-based, and a bunch of live “performances.” We played the Downtown Omni once, the Austin Airport, a gig in Houston and that was about it. It was fucking amazing. When we got into band mode, people lost their minds.

“Band mode”?

Yeah we had masks that we wore—Mexican wrestling masks.

This sounds weird, dude.

They tried to eject us from the airport. We went to the grievances room and they gave us all this free stuff just because they thought we were famous. That night we all went a little overboard and decided to call it quits for a bit.

So why the lack of motivation? Seems like you guys had some real potential.

Yeah we really had a good thing. A lot of positive energy that spread quickly. But we all had other things to get back to in our real lives. Some things are better left the way they were, like Carpet.




SWEET MEAT MARKET
Location: Los Angeles, California
Website: myspace.com/sweetmeatmarket


Who or what is Sweet Meat Market exactly?

Sweet Meat Market: Sweet Meat Market has always existed in some form or another. He is a non-rhyming rap-storytelling aficionado. The name was derived from the fact that I met this creepy girl, and she said her dad used to tickle her legs and call it sweet meat.

Does Sweet Meat Market have any themes other than perversion?

Meat, toys, toys made of meat, children’s instruments and sweet beats.

Do you do anything else legitimate with your life?

Are you asking what he does when he’s not making music and storytelling?

Uh, sort of.

Do you mind if we talk about me in the third person? I like it.

No.

He stands by meat carts a lot. Do you want to know his goal?

Please.

There is a man named Tomatoes. Sweet Meat Market wants to make $200,000 and give it to Tomatoes, because Tomatoes wants to be in a gang… Sweet Meat Market likes the idea of change. He doesn’t really care about meat as much as most people think. Meat is constantly changing and growing into something else, and that is what he hopes to do. When people like Tomatoes constantly want to change the world, [Sweet Meat Market] is inspired to tell stories about it. He hopes these stories will inspire youngsters to wrestle with their imaginations and grow in the same way meat grows. If meat can do it, so can you, because we are really all meat when you think about it.

Alllllright. Anything else?

The new album is gonna be tender.