Earlier this week, Cakes Da Killa dropped his latest mixtape, #IMF—an acronym that stands for "in my feelings"—which tells the story of a relationship between the 23-year-old New York rapper and "a mysterious DL fling from the boogie down." The five-track EP showed a softer side to Cakes, who has a knack for unabashedly raunchy lyrics delivered with a hardened-beyond-his-years, machine gun flow. Cakes is also one of most brilliant young gay rappers in the game who won't let his sexuality define him—on his track "Get Right (Get Wet)," he bragged that he could "spit that shit to make a homophobe a hypocrite." Knowing Cakes' reputation for no-holds-barred nastiness, I suspected he'd be the perfect person to call out some of the cheesiest, most boner-killing sex jams ever made—and when he dropped the Eurodance gem "Shut Up and Sleep With Me" on this list, I knew I was right. If you're looking for a sex playlist for Valentine's Day, look away. (Also, who does that?)
Sin With Sebastian - "Shut Up and Sleep With Me"
The awfulness of this "sex jam" needs no explanation but I'll still try my best to explain why it's included on this list. For one, Sebastian Roth's monotone-ass voice on top of this instrumental is just too much for me to take seriously. Than we have those operatic female vocals that are literally wailing in ecstasy throughout the track—so fucking nauseating! It's like, sign me up for stigmata.
Mariah Carey - "Touch My Body"
"Touch my body, put me on the floor, wrestle me around, play with me some more, touch my body." Really, Mariah? This song is just pure comedic genius. Anyone who could do a triptease to this song needs to win a few awards because I couldn't keep a straight face grinding to Mariah's vocals. Come on, this description of sex sounds like it came from a hormonal fifth-grader: "I'll hug your body tighter than your favorite jeans." Mariah plays too much with that pen game.
Akinyele - "Just Put It In My Mouth"
My favorite tongue-in-cheek classic is all about "finger-licking good" fellatio and pussy-eating. I mean, if one of my dates put this track on to drop a hint he better invest in a kinky fleshlight, because I'd be gone faster than he could get his skinny jeans off. I do love that the female perspective is included in graphic detail though, because girls deserve oral stimulation too.
R. Kelly - "Feelin' On Yo Booty"
Who the hell could make babies to this? Even R. Kelly couldn't even take himself seriously singing this song. Notice towards the end, how he bursts into laughter as he sensually riffs what may be one of the most iconic hooks in R&B history: "feeling on yo booty." I would need to be almost blacked out for this to set the mood.
Az Yet - "Last Night"
The fact that this is not an SNL skit is beyond me. It's like someone took the cheesiest parts of every 90s boy band and made them do the fusion dance while singing lyrics like, "I was inside of you. I saw the moon, the mountains and the rivers." Which would be terrifying, if you think about it. Sit back, light a candle, and try not to throw up.
Cakes Da Killa's #IMF is out now on Mishka. Listen to it here.