All the People You’ll Meet at the Beach

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

by Manisha Krishnan and Allison Tierney
May 30 2018, 4:10pm

Image via Videoblocks

It’s practically summer, which means we are bound to be inundated with photos of people’s pristine beach vacations.

But if you’re that person stuck in the office while seemingly everyone you know is laying up on a hammock in Cancun, take heart in the fact that in many, many ways, beaches actually suck. There is a reason people chill by swimming pools all day instead of hitting the beach—beaches are crowded; you often have to pay just to get a chair and umbrella; the second you get settled, you’re thirsty; once you have a drink, you gotta pee; and then you have to go into the sea to relieve yourself but if you’re alone, you need someone to watch your stuff; and then by the time you’re ready to leave, all your shit is covered in sand. It’s exhausting.

Beaches, not unlike city parks, are also a magnet for all sorts of annoying people. Here are some of the ones you’re bound to run into:

Hot People
We get it, you’re hot and you have nipples so small you can get away with wearing tiny triangles for a bikini top. But not everyone has a good metabolism and the discipline to sculpt that summer bod. If you fall into the latter category, just keep drinking until everyone looks hot, even you.

Amateur Volleyball Players
This is probably your own fault for choosing a spot near the nets, but there’s really nothing that spoils a perfect beach day more than getting hit in the head with a big white ball. Of course, they’ll apologize profusely, but they’ve already triggered a very troubling memory of yours from elementary gym class and reminded you of your poor athletic abilities.

Children Pissing in the Water
You may not see this happening, but you can assume it is. Also adults.

PDA Couple Basically Having Sex in the Water
PDA is fine… I guess. But these people, usually a middle-aged couple (or a threesome in my experience), take it to the next level. They’re clearly trying to live out some beach sex fantasy at a family-friendly location. There’s gyrating, suits are falling loose, and she’s “mysteriously” diving underwater. These folks aren’t trying to be subtle, they’re giving everyone a show, but no one wants to see it.

Surfers are hot, but skimboarders are less so and can be annoying when you have to dodge out of their way suddenly.

Opportunistic Thieves
You really shouldn’t bring your phone with you to the beach, but you can’t miss the opportunity to flex on your Instagram story. Now, you have relegated yourself to never-ending anxiety as you attempt to go for a relaxing swim. You dip underwater to get your hair wet as the crest of a wave comes forward. A few moments pass, then you suddenly twist around to the gaze upon spot where your towel is laid out. You notice your stuff looks slightly rustled and sprint for it. It’s gone. And so are your sunglasses.

White People with Dreads
Just knock it off, already.

Beach Ball People
This isn’t even a sport, or is it?

Castle-Building Artists
You channeled your inner-child and have decided to make one of those cool drippy sandcastles, so fun! But now a full-on castle-building master has set up next to you. They have all the tools and skills you don’t and carve a realistic-as-fuck horse on the sand in a matter of 10 minutes, and they’re at least half your age. Your castle now looks like shit comparatively even though you spent an hour on it, and you abandon your spot on the beach out of shame.

OK, so these are not people. Fine. Still, fuck these birds. They make it impossible to enjoy any snacks on the beach even though you get super hungry after swimming. And they shit on everything with reckless abandon.

Those People Next to You Who Are Eating Despite Seagulls
Are you new here, guys?

This is mostly an issue if you live somewhere narc-y, like Canada or the US, where you’re not allowed to drink at the beach. We get that it’s a bylaw infraction or whatever, but is there seriously nothing more important to police than people cracking open a cold one on a sunny day? Apparently not.

People Selling Overpriced Umbrellas
Heat exhaustion is a real thing! In that context, shade is a human right and should not cost $15.

Frisbee Players
It’s just a plastic disc from the dollar store, so how come y’all are so intense about it? I’ve overheard ultimate players screaming “pussy!” at each other like it’s the NFL playoffs. No one is gonna judge if you lose at frisbee, but people will judge if you cry about it.

Chainsmokers Right Next to Your Spot
First of all, it’s 2018, learn how to vape, bruh.

Bad Dog Owners
Not talking about the owners of Very Good Boys, of which there are many. These owners cultivate chaos in their own lives and by extension are prone to unleashing their wayward dog in public. This dog will inevitably bound across the sand at insane speeds, steal frisbees, tip over beers, and generally spread anxiety. Whose dog is that? Your friends will ask. You don’t want to know.

People Doing an Instagram Photoshoot
Also see “Hot People.” A sexy beach shot is an essential for any Instagram model. And, honestly, it’s not as much annoying as it is fascinating to see how influencers produce their content. In this scenario, usually the photog is a fellow Insta model and/or significant other. Hundreds of shots will be taken to get the perfect angle on their butt. Bonus points if you see someone attempting this with a selfie stick.

Old People
They remind us that our bodies will sag lower and lower each year until we get to the point where we don’t give a shit about lying half naked on public property.

People Who Come Way More Prepared Than Everyone Else
You know the type. They’ve got a couple tents set up, massive blankets, a sound system, a hibachi BBQ, and enough snacks to feed a summer camp. Meanwhile you’re sitting there on a dish towel with two warm PBRs that are half-filled with sand and a tiny bag of Doritos. You look over enviously at these people hoping they offer a tiny bit of their bounty, but they’re too busy having a much better time than you are to notice.

People Selling Drugs
Just kidding, these people are doing a public service.

Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.

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