How to End a Bad Bromance

Luke was my work friend who stole, did rails of coke in the bathroom and called me homophobic slurs for existing. Luke isn't his real name, but teenage me thought that dude was fun. I enjoyed vandalizing property with him at a minimum wage retail job for a summer, right up until I realized he was actually a terrible person, and I was too when we hung out. But Luke was hilarious! The thrill of danger made work shifts fly by while he would throw sharp objects and light things on fire near my head. So when he texted to hang out shortly after he got fired, a part of me wanted to keep the bromance alive.

When you have a friend in your life who commits to hangouts, texts you happy birthday and laughs at your jokes, you want to have them around. Even if they actually suck. These are the bros you find yourself making excuses for, saying things like, "Sure, he gets drunk, acts violently on cocaine benders, pisses in the house plants, and doesn't care about me at all on a personal level, but he's nice!" One day, you realize you don't want pissy plants anymore, and it's time to end the friendship.

There is an urge to hold onto bad relationships. Lousy friends are like broken tools: We'll keep them around, forcing things to work, but next thing you know there's a belt sander lodged in your eye. Would Luke have driven me to the hospital in a situation like that or just stood there calling me "gay"? Still, I had a fear of missing out on whatever good I saw or imagined in him. Leaving behind a bro can be a solitary experience filled with regret, like pooping in a spacesuit. Loneliness, combined with an aversion for direct conflict, means you might find yourself accepting a lot of unhealthy behavior. But don't! Below is a guide for bros who want to end bad bromances without having to hurt anyone's feelings.

Become sober

Some bromances are purely based on getting messed up together. When you stop drinking and doing drugs, you will realize the party people in your life aren't as funny, smart or interesting as you think they are when you're tweaking. The risk here is, of course, confronting the reality that you're also a mediocre pile of mayonnaise. When you fly sober, your friends will avoid your perceived judging presence while they continue huffing gerbil tranquilizer, or whatever. Eventually, they will stop inviting you to things. You might even become healthier and save money in process, you lame square.

Have a mind-bending trip together

On the other hand, a great way to end a friendship is to take a deep psychoactive journey with the person you hate. Many say trekking the mental-verse with someone brings you closer together, and that is a risk here. However, after seeing God on salvia rips with tummies full of magic mushrooms, you and your friend may never want to be near each other again. At the height of your trip, you're going to profess your love. One of you is going to start speaking in tongues and fill your pants with fear-induced dookie butter. During the comedown, shame will replace any feelings of camaraderie, and you'll both go your separate ways to escape the memories of you at your most vulnerable.

Start a band

If you really despise someone, start a band with them. Bruh, your friendship might not make it passed the first open mic night. Simply attempting to chose a band name with another person is like slathering your naked torso in honey and lying down in a bathtub full of angry fire ants. Each objection they have to your stupid ideas will bite into your feelings, causing your thrashing body to simultaneously crush them in return. The downside here is the rare chance you end up making great music with someone you hate and becoming rich and famous together (like Oasis). Then you're stuck with your dumb friend over the course of at least six albums, two reunion tours and aggressive tell-all autobiographies.

Get into a meaningful relationship

As soon as you get a girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband/partner or whatever, you can blame your absence from social events on them. When your friends ask you to hang out, you say something like, "My wife needs me to come to Bath & Body Works to pick out a noose. Women, am I right!?" That last part is everything because it is deeply lame and you will both feel gross about it. If you're reading this to learn how to dodge conflict, sacrificing a loved one is not beneath you.

Have kids

You don't even have to lie in this scenario. Children suck up all bro time. If your bro is a true douche, they will not stick around to be reminded about responsibilities and their impending mortality by your walking germ bag spawn. The only downside here is you might fall in love with your kids and be irrevocably changed, finally realizing your purpose in this world as a parent.

Lend them money

Again, this strategy only works if your bro is abhorrent and irresponsible. The mathematical formula here goes PO = ($)(T²). PO is the amount of time your bro will Piss Off from the face of the earth, which is equal to the amount of money ($) you lend, times how often they text (T²) they're "good for the money," squared. Any loan over $50 exponentially increases the chance you'll never see them again. Science.

Have a mature, respectful conversation about how to resolve your problems

Lol kidding. Just don't text them back.

Follow Devin Pacholik on Twitter .