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This Week in Weird Canadian Crime: Spider-Man Attacks, Vigilante Cab Chases, Summer Snowmobilers

Don't get "Port Elgin Drunk," dear readers.
July 9, 2015, 3:08pm

Taaaaxi on the run. Like the Wings song! Right? Photo via Flickr user Rodrigo Soldon 2

Police divisions all across the Great White North deal with some spectacular calls involving hosers every day. But these criminal masterminds, the ones taking their snowmobiles out in July for a rip, just don't get their due in the media. Here's a roundup of some pretty weird crimes from around the country over the past two weeks, which may lead you to reconsider drinking.

Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a guy who smashes you in the face can
With great power comes great responsibility, and with smashing in someone's face with a skateboard comes an assault charge. Toronto police announced June 26 that they'd arrested and charged a 27-year-old man after a 16-year-old boy was jumped by someone wearing a plastic Spider-Man mask back in May. The unprovoked attack left the boy with serious facial trauma and the not-so-friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man had skated away from the scene.

Dude, where's my cab?
Cops from the Brandon Police Service in Manitoba were called on July 3 when a taxi driver innocently stepped out of his car near 34th St. and Victoria Ave. only to have some dude jump in and drive off. Not one to stand there and wring his hands, the determined cabbie jumped into another taxi and chased his stolen car until it crashed on Rosser Ave. and E Fotheringham Dr., at which point the two taxi drivers citizen-arrested a culprit to hand over to police. Cops arrested the 23-year-old man from Winnipeg who, surprise, blew double the legal limit when he gave a breath sample.

Winter is coming; Better test the snowmobile out
It was a nice summer afternoon in Thessalon on July 4 when some dude decided it was the perfect weather to drive a snowmobile down Main St. Naturally, someone called the OPP, who found the snowmobile on River St. and arrested a 24-year-old man. He's been charged with impaired driving (surprise!), failing to wear a proper helmet, driving with no insurance, and driving along a highway without a licence, among other things.

16, going on 200
Someone out east apparently thinks Furious 7 is a documentary, because on July 5, a local RCMP officer clocked a car going 199 km/h in a 100 km/h zone. The car, which was making its merry way down Highway 102, was pulled over in Lower Sackville and a 16-year-old newly licensed guy from Bedford with "several other teen passengers in his vehicle" was given a ticket and immediately had his licence suspended for a week. And if 199 km/h doesn't seem so bad to you, you should probably watch this video of what happens when your car crashes going just one kilometre faster.

Is that two tires in your pants or are you just thieving?
The RCMP in Burnaby announced on June 26 that they arrested a 39-year-old man after a local tire retailer complained that the business had been broken into by the same person at least seven times in the past month. More intriguing, though, is that the complainant says the same suspect stole around 80 tires from the store, which presents an interesting logistical question—seven break-ins with around 80 tires stolen in total works out to about 11 tires per break-in. How do you get away with 11 tires with no one noticing? It's not like you can stuff them under your shirt or something.

Ever get Port Elgin Drunk?
A woman in Port Elgin woke up the morning of July 4 to find a strange man sleeping on her couch. Naturally, she called the police. The cops woke up the sleeping beauty, who was "intoxicated and thought he was in a relative's apartment." The cops arrested him for unlawfully being in a dwelling, but he was still too drunk to be let out on his own so the police had to take the 27-year-old to his parents' house (and charged him with public intoxication along the way).

Apparently people in the area really know how to get fucked up, because I asked my friend from Port Elgin how one could possibly get so confused in a town that's barely seven square kilometres and he replied, "You've never been Port Elgin drunk."

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