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Europe: The Final Countdown

EU Referendum Update: Old People Seem Intent on Fucking Us Over Forever

We're probably leaving Europe, and it's all your nan's fault!

by Joel Golby
Jun 14 2016, 1:42pm

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Loathe as I am to report the front page of The Sun newspaper as some sort of notable fact – this it the paper that bought us '1 in 5 Brits Muslims' Sympathy For Jihadis', 'Leftie Who Hates the Royals WILL Kiss Queen's Hand To Grab £6.2m' , '1,200 Killed By Mental Patients' and 'The Truth' – but anyway The Sun has done a front page again and here, and here it is, they are backing Leave, the polls are backing Leave, we are probably going to Leave:

This front page of course is bad for those people who feel a sort of low hum of doom and dread ahead of the upcoming referendum – you feel it, don't you, down in that hollow bit of belly you always imagined is where your soul lives, it feels clenched somehow, doesn't it, sort of thrumming, and every time someone's 70-year-old racist nan goes on ITN News and goes "I'VE HEARD WE'RE SPENDING FOUR HUNDRED TRILLION POUND A DAY ON THAT RUDDY EU! I'M ENGLISH, I'M NOT EUROPEAN!" that throbbing just gets louder, more persistent, and it feels like that clunk of dread just before a rollercoaster drops, only spun out, you have to feel this for the next nine days at least, and depending on the result of the vote you might have to feel this sensation forever, for actual ever – because the UK's biggest-selling paper has come out in support of Leave, and the polls seem to be reflecting that, and essentially, long story short: guess we're leaving Europe, guys!

As the Huffington Post notes: "The Sun has backed the winning side in every poll since it backed the Tories in the February 1974 General Election." Hard to know whether that's the result ofThe Sun editorial team having sub-human Nostradamus-like powers of foresight or just that they are more influential than you'd like to admit – there's a whole causality argument to be had here, but then let's not – but either way: that's a hot streak.

So anyway, the latest polls show that yes, we are leaving Europe, and yes, this is the fault of old people, because as the YouGov Times breakdown shows, they are the ones who think Europe is bad:

Old people, in their Volvos. Old people, with their really loud TVs. Old people, who bought a house for £60 somehow and don't understand why you and the boyfriend-who-you're-not-married-to-but-we'll-not-get-into-that-now can't buy something for your own. How often do you touch your curtains? Old people touch their curtains 50, maybe 100 times more often than that. I touch my curtains once in the morning to open them and once in the evening to close them. Old people basically feel unanchored when they are not touching their curtains, peering outwards. Old people have worn little welts in their curtain hems where they have been touching them all the time. If you leave two old people in a room for eight hours they will only say six words to each other, in between all the persistent curtain touching, and those words will be "kids are out there again, playing". Old people, with their 6pm bedtimes and their sincere consumption of prunes. Old people, politely clapping in the audience of Countdown. Take an old person to a restaurant and they will read the menu for anything between 20 minutes and an hour and a half, ask what a prawn cocktail is as if anyone doesn't know what a prawn cocktail is, then eat two bites of steak and kidney pie then say they are done. You will have to go home early from the restaurant because the old person needs an insane amount of special medical bannisters around them before they can shit, and now they need to shit, so you need to drive them home because they don't trust taxi drivers. Old people, who want to vote out of Europe for no particular reason but who fucking cares anyway because by the time the changes come into effect they will all be gone to the void. Old people, who took all the cream and now want to put a cap on the thin milk that they left behind. Old people, so help me I am coming for you. I am sitting in your special seats on the bus. I am buying up all the Werther's and carriage clocks before you can get your gnarled hands on them. Next time one of you fuckers asks me to help you with something on a high shelf in a supermarket I will put it on a higher shelf, where you can't even get at it with your sticks.

Anyway: bye Europe, it was nice knowing you.

@joelgolby

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fuck ur nan