Newfoundland Asked the Internet How to Fix Its Shit Economy and the Internet Delivered

Lolz, b'ys.

Jan 18 2016, 2:54pm

St. John's, Newfoundland. Photo via Flickr user Kenny Louie

It's been less than two months since the last election, and by all accounts Newfoundland and Labrador's new Liberal government has already burned through its honeymoon. The finances are a lot worse than anyone expected—almost a billion dollars worse. There are a lot of reasons for this, but mainly it's because oil is in the shitter and no one made a backup plan. Apparently basing your entire society on the price of a single commodity and assuming that it would make bank forever is a really bad idea! Hindsight is always 20/20, etc.

The situation is so dire that at least one economist has gone on the record saying the province could go bankrupt unless the new government takes bold, drastic action. But this is Premier Dwight Ball, a man who seems deathly allergic to taking a bold stance on anything. The man seems liable to have a nervous breakdown when asked how he takes his coffee.

So, in lieu of articulating a daring vision to confront the province's problems head on, the Liberals have instead opted to spend 15 months asking people what to do. And this is on top of the several months of consultations they held last year in the run-up to the election. In all likelihood, this is less because they're really committed to democratic empowerment and more so that when they do inevitably decide to bring in a series of brutal austerity measures, they'll be able to shrug and say, "You asked for it."

But since the Newfoundland and Labrador government is looking for your feedback, you may as well offer it up. The Liberals have set up a website where people can go and anonymously submit their ideas on how to raise revenue, save money, and increase "efficiency and innovation" in government.

So far, the #1 rated idea for how to fix the government is a communist revolution.

Personally, I endorse this solution wholeheartedly. It's been a while since anyone's seized the means of production and I think Labrador could really benefit from a boom in the Gulag industry.

Tragically, Premier Ball has rejected his people's thirst for a government founded on the omnipotent revolutionary science of Marxism-Leninism. So much for the promise of cheap vodka and human emancipation.

With the immediate implementation of full communism off the table (for now), I felt it was time to take matters into my own hands. But the fascists in the Office of Public Engagement were having none of it.

Public Engagement my ass. More like Office of Public Enragement, am I right folks? Yes I am.

I needed a drink after this devastating news. Fortunately, this guy has me covered.

Undeterred by government censors, I came up with an idea that would really curl the island's toes.

And then if we can get Broad Cove to Come By Chance, we'll be all set.

Speaking of fucking up the province's geography for fun and profit, this one is an oldie but a goodie.

All jokes aside, this is the most sane idea on the website right now:

A couple province-wide 50/50 draws would clear that deficit up in no time. Can't be any worse than whatever this terminally unimaginative government will come up with on it's own. Desperate times, and all that. May as well throw a couple wacky ideas at the wall and see what sticks. Why the fuck not?

We have to move fast, though. Too much dithering and they might just take our democracy away.

I mean, it wouldn't be the first time.

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