T. Kid's Guide to Getting Rid of Weed at a Wedding

Photo via Flickr user Mamen Gomez

I don’t usually tell other guys' stories on Weediquette, but my buddy Dev recently told me a tale that I have to share. It’s the perfect weed disaster, and I sincerely wish it had happened to me.

Dev traveled to Northern California to attend a wedding. Before he headed to the wedding, a friend gave him a fat joint of Cali’s finest bud as a gift. He smoked about half of the joint and then decided he was good for the moment. He put the J out, wrapped it in a random piece of paper, and stuffed it into his pocket. I’ve done this a thousand times, but it has never landed me in a situation like the one Dev was in at the wedding.

At the church, Dev forgot about the joint in his coat pocket. When he took his seat inside, he noticed he was sitting next to a girl with enormous breasts. She wore a severely low-cut top. They started chatting, and in the middle of their conversation, one of the bridesmaids came over and told the big-breasted girl, “The bride wants to see you immediately.” They both walked away, leaving Dev with his own thoughts. He thought he might sneak away for a moment and hit his vaporizer. As he started to reach in his pocket, the big-breasted girl returned with a safety pin that closed the front of her dress. The bride knew she was going to have her boobs on display at the wedding and personally wanted to make sure they were appropriately tucked away. Before Dev could make a crack about this, the girl sniffed and said, “Whoa. Something stinks like weed.” The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end—it had to be his vaporizer. He tried to play it cool. He discretely searched his pockets for his vape. Instead of finding his vape, he discovered a little curled up piece of paper in his coat pocket.

The big-breasted girl complained about the smell again—Dev had to ditch the J. He waited a couple of minutes to stave off any suspicion and then got up to go to the bathroom. A long line of old people waited to use the men’s room. As soon as Dev got in line, the bride’s grandfather joined the line behind him. Dev quickly greeted him and then turned back around. Avoiding eye contact with the old dudes, Dev fiddled with the joint in his pocket, trying to tightly seal the piece of paper around the joint. He finally got into the one-person bathroom and tossed the contents of his pocket into the toilet. When he pushed the flush lever, nothing happened. Little streams of water trickled down into the toilet bowl, but none of the water went down. The hairs on the back of his neck rose again. Desperate for a solution, he piled a wad of toilet paper over the joint. He instinctively hit the flush again. Miraculously, the whole mass went down, but at the last second, the little piece of paper containing the joint popped back into the bowl.

Dev realized the only solution was to decimate the joint. He frantically looked around the room for a tool to do this with. Voila—a toilet brush. He grabbed the toilet brush and started poking at the paper. Right then, someone began knocking on the bathroom door. Dev tried to stay focused. He delicately used the toilet brush to open up the piece of paper so he could start hacking away at the joint. As soon as he got the J open, he saw what had covered the joint—a receipt with his full name on it. His name had floated up for the next pisser to read.

The next guy in line was the bride’s grandpa. He would walk in and see a half-smoked joint floating next to Dev’s name in all caps. As Dev frantically smashed away at the receipt with the toilet brush, he heard authoritative knocks on the door—grandpa really had to take a piss. Dev finally managed to grind up the contraband enough so it looked like dookie residue that would make the grandpa think Dev had really weird, plant-like diarrhea. Dev could live with that. Before exiting the bathroom, he gave the toilet another flush just for the hell of it, and all the contents went down. The bowl swallowed them up and let out a little burp, the most beautiful sound Dev could have heard at that moment.

He popped out of the door with a huge smile and came face to face with the furious grandpa. “What the hell were you doing in there?” he yelled as he bum rushed the door. Dev said, “Just being courteous.”

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