Republicans Are Right to Want to Keep Canadians Out of America

Today, American Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson had a suggestion in a last-ditch attempt to boost his place in the polls: that the US should deploy soldiers to the border it shares with Canada as part of his plan to protect from terrorism. It's not the first time an American politician took interest in protecting itself from its neighbor to the north—there was also that one time Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker suggested building a wall along the border. As an American living in Canada, I know exactly which kind of Canadians the US should be keeping out.

Hockey bros (of which there are definitely none at VICE Canada) roam across this land the way Canadian geese do, squawking loudly and shitting over everything. But you know what is behind every hockey bro? A hockey mom. Yes, the one who gets up at 5 AM to take her little warrior to the rink and convinces him that he has a chance of making it the big show. The hockey mom can be found from coast-to-coast-to-coast screaming at teenage referees and bullying volunteer coaches into giving little Johnny a bit more ice time. The last time a hockey mom was spotted in America, she was named Sarah Palin and ruined the GOP for a decade. Hockey moms need to stay in the north, behind the wall.

Even though they live in urban centers, these guys look like artisanal lumberjacks and spend $200 on custom hand-carved axes for that one weekend they "rough it" at their lake cottage. They also buy fancy oils infused with whatever bergamot is good for their luscious beards and will spend stupid amounts of money on anything made with wax cotton and saddle leather. If we're going to deploy soldiers to the US-Canadian border or build a wall, we should start with the crossings right along the Pacific Northwest to keep these dudes out. You know damn well they aren't going to claim that axe they just bought in Portland when they come back through customs.

Albertans in general are like pseudo-Texans. Why have a cheap imitation when you can have the original in all its racist, pro-gun glory? When it comes to rig pigs, these guys are making six figures by the time they're in their 20s and blowing it on tricking out their F-150s, Tony Montana-sized trays full of cocaine, and throwing coins at the genitalia of exotic dancers.

Anyone who can afford their own place in Vancouver is probably one of these. You'll find them in every corner of the city, sipping their $15 gluten-free organic "green" shakes in Kits; running the seawall downtown in $200 Lululemon pants, stopping every so often to Instagram a shot of the ocean with the hashtag #ilovemycity; selling million-dollar "Railtown" lofts that have taken the place of social housing once earmarked for the marginalized communities Vancouver loves to ignore. Allow enough of these bougie pricks into America, and soon your roads will all be bike lanes and you'll be faced with a Westboro Baptist Church-like protest every time you eat red meat in public.

Between Quebec being one of the strongest supporters of the bullshit hijab ban in Canada and the fact that blackface is still a thing there, we're pretty sure as Americans that we don't need any additional racists in our country—we've got that down! Besides, we don't speak French or give a shit about poutine since we have chili cheese fries. Au revoir, assholes.

A friend who grew up in Manitoba once told me the highlight of his teenagehood was going to Minneapolis. If that's the only part of America these poor children have access to, what the fuck is the point?

Drake, Grimes, Carly Rae Jepsen, Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, Neil Young, (most of) Arcade Fire… Need we say more? For fuck's sake, five out of ten top spots on on the Billboard 100 right now are held by Canadians. We need to protect ourselves or forever be left in this shameful shadow cast by Canadian talent.

These assholes come into our country without proper documentation simply because they can't handle how cold it is back home and then they shit everywhere. And they don't shit your average shit by the way—each bird drops like 1 lb per day of excrement that is literally toxic and pollutes water supplies.

Just because Drake does it, it doesn't mean you can.

These dudes are so serious they would kill another man over the meddling of a lobster trap. Do we really want that kind of person on our precious non-violent land? While we're at it, Canada, you can have Maine, because I'm pretty sure the same types of monsters are fishing the waters there.

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