Hey Apple, Fuck You and Fuck Your Garbage Headphone War

Last month, Apple bought Beats by Dre for 3 billion dollars and the whole world went, "huh?" Yesterday, Apple's plan to nix headphone jacks in all of their products were leaked and their evil, evil masterplan became clear. The report in 9to5Mac, corroborated by Forbes, suggests that Apple's intention is to do away with the good 'ol 3.5mm circular headphone jack entirely and only support usage of headphones equipped with a lightning jack aka the overpriced power cord on the iPhone 5.

What this means is that if you want to listen to music or podcasts or even your grandma nattering at you through headphones on an Apple product in the future, you're gonna have to shill out some ridiculous amount of money for some Beats by Dre by Apple product with a stupid fucking lightning jack.

Hey Apple, you already make our phones and our computers and hold pretty much all of our personal information on some magical cloud in the sky, so why in the name of fuck are you coming for our headphones?

Apple CEO Tim Cook looking really fucking pleased with himself

The problem with Beats by Dre, much like the Crocs footwear or Affliction clothing trends that came before, is that wearing them is an ironclad indicator of douchebaggery. I don't want to be a douchebag. I spend a significant portion of my mental energy doing my best not to be a douchebag. Admittedly, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but now the decision is being made for me.

I'll break this down for you: If I ever want anybody to love me, I need to own Apple products. That's a fact of modern life. But if I own Apple products and want to hear things, I have to own Beats by Dre merchandise. If I own Beats by Dre merchandise, I'm a douchebag. So, by the transitive property, if I ever want anybody to love me, I have to be a douchebag. That's fucked up.

Even more worrying than my process of self-identification is Apple's brazen encroachment into our wallets. In the past, Apple's enforcement of proprietary products went hand in hand with significant technological and practical advances. From what we can gather, the only discernible improvement for the consumer in this instance is the ability to support FLAC lossless audio, which, unless you're Brian Eno, doesn't matter.

As recently as the early 2000s, Apple was seen as the alternative option, one that spoke to an emerging generation. Now that Apple has been the dominant force in communications for over a decade, the company doesn't speak to anyone except its off-shore banker.

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Jemayel is really, really sensitive about his headphones so please don't say anything mean to him - @JemayelK