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Tom Brady Jeopardizes U.S.-Mexico Relations, His Football Future to Make 'Tacos'

The New England Patriots quarterback​ posted photos of his "Beluga Lentil Tacos" to social media, and a nation weeps.

by Caitlin Kelly
Apr 13 2017, 7:30pm

Tom Brady/Instagram

Tom Brady clearly still harbors some lingering resentment about Mexico's role in the abduction of his Super Bowl jerseys this year, because on Wednesday the New England Patriots quarterback posted photos of his "Beluga Lentil Tacos" to Instagram. He might as well have slapped the entire country in the face.

"So good!!" he writes, as if an extra exclamation point can distract from this otherwise joyless calorie delivery system. You can almost taste the peas that are invariably smashed into that guacamole.

The taco-shaped food item is apparently part of TB12 Performance Meals, a partnership between Brady's "Goop But For Men" lifestyle company and Purple Carrot, a plant-based subscription meal kit service. (That sentence makes me tired.) The subscription is $78 a week for three meals for two people, but that's not the worst part about this.

Tom Brady/Instagram

WHO USES A CLEAVER TO SLICE FUCKING RADISHES FOR A GARNISH, TOM?!?!

I'm sure that Brady's fingers are incredibly dexterous and his form is flawless, but these are million-dollar fingers he is putting at risk with every chop. Jason Pierre Paul is looking at this photo and shaking his damn head. A paring knife, a mandolin, a box grater, a guillotine—literally any other slicing tool would make more sense in this situation.

(Alternatively, you could go full taco truther here and note that the relatively thin, uniform radish slices seen in another photo suggest that this is staged, and that no cleavers were actually manhandled in the making of this advertorial social media moment.)

For now, the only thing Brady has mangled in his kitchen is the taco, but next time Patriot Nation might not come out of this quite so unscathed.