We Compared 'The Best' by Omar-S to 10 Other Things That Claim to be the Best

Omar-S has a new album out. Omar-S has called that album The Best because that's exactly the kind of thing that Omar-S does. Because he's Omar-S and being Omar-S means pretending not to know who Ricardo Villalobos is and calling your new album The Best. The Best is a really good house record and I have enjoyed listening to it a lot and I'm excited about hearing tracks from it out over the next few months. But every time I've played it I've been plagued by a niggling question: is it really the best? Is it really better than all the rest?

To determine that (semi-scientifically) I decided to compare The Best by Omar-S to 10 other things that claim to be the best. I've pitted Omar against everything from a kebab shop to a sad husk of a human being. Let's see what happened when The Best took on the best.

What is it? An absolutely average pizza spot on Prince of Wales, Norwich's bold and brash strip of clubs, takeaways, and puddles of luminously bright vomit.
Is it better than The Best? I have only ever joylessly torn through a needlessly hot 7" Margherita after 8 pints in the Wetherspoons just down the road, and even then I've had to eat it while running to catch the last train home, and even then I've had to try and eat a sloppy pile of grease and dough as quietly as I can while sat next to a 43 year old plastics factory worker on his first night out since the divorce, so based on that, no, it is not better than the Omar-S album.

What is it? Calum Milan Best is a British-American model, actor, television personality, and reality television participant and one of those blokes who's probably actually annoyingly alright after you get to know him but looks like the kind of person who acts the big man but definitely cries after cumming on someone's face.
Is it better than The Best? I mean, I'll admit that I did enjoy Calum's performance in Celebrity Love Island and, yes, I do find it inherently funny that he released a men's fragrance called 'Calum' ("I had all the input into the smell. I chose the smell, I chose the bottle, I chose the packaging, the whole thing.") but on the whole, no, as harsh as it is, I think I prefer a collection of songs to a living breathing human being with hopes and fears and anxieties and dreams and his own fragrance.

What is it? A triumphant-to-the-point-of-being-nearly-facististic stadium-sized enormo-anthem.
Is it better than The Best? You know what? Yeah, it is. "Simply the Best" is a song that shouldn't work because, objectively speaking, it is absolutely fucking awful. Except it isn't. "Simply the Best" is a perfect example of the power that art made for, consumed and enjoyed by the masses, is absolutely incredible. It's a stomping, gargantuan, colossal record that sounds just as good played during an Under-9s end of season award's ceremony as it does in a 60,000 seat entertainment complex. And what's the Omar-S album? 11 quite good house records. There's no competition. Tina, my friend, you really are…simply the best!

What is it? Michael Barrymore's Best Bites is 76 fun-filled minutes of the nation's favorite disgraced light entertainer doing what he does best: making 'em laugh!
Is it better than The Best? The Amazon reviews for this are all I need to know that it's a screamer. For example, g i bishop confidently states that they're "very happy with product would get again" which leads me to assume that Best Bites is so good that g i bishop wore through the tape with endless repeat viewings. Omar's album isn't even on Amazon.

What is it? This is a t-shirt that only two types of people in the world would ever wear: dads who've abandoned any sense of personal pride whatsoever and are silently very open to assisted suicide, and supply teachers.
Is it better than The Best? No. You could say that it is actually…the….worst! Omar, you've won this round!

What is it? A collection of 26 of the toothy Scouser's most beloved hits, including (probable) classics like…actually, can anyone, without cheating, name six songs by Cilla Black, let alone 26?
Is it better than The Best? This might be the fairest fight of the lot because it turns out that Cilla, in her old age, loved a bit of house music, just like our mate Omar. Check out this or this or even this if you don't believe me. OK, it's house music for pissed grannies in Magaluf, but hey, house is house. I am yet to hear any of the cheeky redhead's bangers out in the club so I can't pass full judgement. Let's call this one a draw.

What is it? It's a card that only a particularly heartless child would buy for their poor, downtrodden dad.
Is it better than The Best? This card is only better than The Best if you're a heartless ingrate who thinks that making their dad feel lousy on his special day is funny. If you are that person you don't deserve functioning ears, let alone a really solid album by Omar-S.

What is it? Best Mangal is a Turkish restaurant near the VICE UK office and sometimes I walk past it on the way to other Turkish restaurants.
Is it better than The Best? Turkish food is up there with Italian food and Indian food and Chinese food and Thai food and Spanish food as the best food in the world and by dint of that then I trust that the food served by the team at Best Mangal is fantastic and that their chicken yogurtlu beyti is completely adequate. Food is infinitely better than music, too, so Omar, mate, pop a napkin on and accept defeat.

What is it? Pete Best was the guy who was the drummer in the Beatles before Ringo Starr became the drummer in the Beatles.
Is it better than The Best? You know what they say about Ringo Starr don't you? He wasn't even the best drummer in the Beatles! That's a good joke and you can have that one on me, that's yours, that's in the bank, you've got that one. Imagine how it makes Pete Best feel though. Booted out of the Beatles by another drummer who was actually a really bad drummer. That's harrowing. Pete Best wakes up each morning and rues his luck. He weeps in the shower. He howls in the supermarket. He waters his garden with tears. And for the reason I prefer to pretend that he doesn't exist. Which is why I'd rather listen to The Best by Omar-S than think about Pete Best.

What is it? I don't really know because I refuse to listen to podcasts.
Is it better than The Best? No. Because it is a podcast.

What's this incredibly rigorous study proved? It's proved that Omar-S' The Best is better than six of the other things out there claiming to be the best, ergo, Omar-S' The Best really is the best! Congratulations, Omar, you've done it!

Josh is on Tiwtter