OK, look. Don't get me started on the electoral reform thing. In retrospect it was absolutely foolish for any of us to believe that the Liberals would dismantle an electoral system that had virtually guaranteed them a monopoly on power for most of the last 150 years and it's unforgivable that they'd cynically prey on a genuine desire among many Canadians to reform the way our democracy operates. I will give them credit for playing the long game, though. They really asked us to take it seriously: the unambiguous promise that 2015 would be "the last election" with the current system; immediately establishing a committee to study reform and giving the portfolio to a rising star in cabinet; going across the country holding consultations with Canadians; and then finally killing it altogether after citing their own popularity as a reason to abandon reform altogether. This promise was broken in such a baroque and cunning way that it is almost admirable.
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It's so clever I could almost forgive it, if it weren't for these other major campaign pledges Trudeau made during the 2015 election that he has so cruelly broken before our very eyes.One of the most unforgettable moments on the campaign trail was during a Liberal campaign stop near a Tim Horton's in Edmundston, New Brunswick, where he was heckled by a rowdy group of Acadien bikers. Demonstrating grace in the face of their thickly accented snubs at his masculinity, Justin Trudeau promised that within a year of his election, Bombardier would re-establish local production of Can-Am motorcycles or else he would personally consume every piece of a 1987 Yamaha Fazer. We've yet to see local production lines fire up for that iconic piece of Canadian road hoggery and, aside from a few candid shots of the prime minister chomping into an exhaust pipe on the benches behind the Supreme Court, it doesn't seem like we'll be seeing him eat that motorcycle anytime soon, either.When Gilles Duceppe challenged both Tom Mulcair and Justin Trudeau during the French debate to prove their support for Quebecers by murdering the Queen, no one thought either of them would accept—let alone the Liberal leader! But Trudeau swore he'd rise to the occasion and spent the next 20 minutes graphically describing how he'd break into Buckingham Palace some brisk summer's eve, creep through the corridors, skulk into the monarch's bedroom and gently but firmly smother Her Royal Highness to death with a down pillow. While some Anglo pundits worried that could be considered a gaffe, they nonetheless appreciated that Trudeau took a firm stance on regicide—especially compared to Mulcair's rambling, incoherent suggestion that the NDP would let the Queen live but incapacitate her by removing most of her limbs. Despite the prime minister's pledge, however, Her Majesty remains at large.When Mike Duffy's trial returned to court in the middle of the 2015 federal election, most voters thought it might heat things up on the campaign trail. But no one expected Justin Trudeau to dramatically burst into the courtroom while the trial was ongoing to softly kiss the embattled Senator's head as might a doting father. Asked about it on Evan Solomon's Everything Is Political Sirius XM show the following day, Trudeau cryptically announced that "all will be revealed" during a post-election television special where he would lovingly moisturize Mike Duffy with oil in a display of deliberately Christ-like magnanimity. He also was emphatic that this would take place regardless of whether or not the Liberals won the election, and repeated this explanation verbatim after every question Solomon asked him regardless of the topic. Of course, although CBC did in fact air an uninterrupted six-hour video in November 2015 of the prime minister tenderly ladling warm oil over Mike Duffy as he sat in a big barrel bathtub sobbing tears of quiet joy, documents later obtained through access to information requests revealed that the whole episode had been pre-recorded. While it pales against Trudeau's later betrayals, it was still a heartbreaking sign of things to come.Pledging to liberate Canadians from our obligation to ritually sacrificing our first born to the CrabLord in exchange for protection from the Elders of the Black Forest was central to Trudeau's efforts to woo soft NDP and Green supporters to the Liberal campaign. But so far, beyond Governor General David Johnson mentioning how pleased the Crown is that citizens regularly commend their children to the dark lord of the seas during last year's Throne Speech, we've barely heard a word about this from the prime minister.
1. Eat a motorcycle
2. Murder Elizabeth II
3. Air a six-hour live broadcast of himself gently ladling olive oil over Mike Duffy's head in a darkened room under a single spotlight while Jewel's "Hands" plays on loop in the background
4. Release us from the suzerainty of the CrabLord
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