Mother's Day is the perfect day for praising moms over brunch that they pay for, reflecting on all the many times that they helped you out of difficult situations, and cherishing your special relationships.
Two weeks ago, my mom was very generously dropping boxes off at my apartment but I forgot that I had asked her to so I wasn't home. She was so mad and rampage-texted me so furiously that I turned my notifications off—you know, like an asshole! I apologized when she cooled off.
Other than impenetrable maternal love, what I find makes motherly relationships truly special is unfiltered and petty animosity over misspelled text messages. To fully appreciate the full extent of my childishness, I realized that it's important that I recognize the painful truth of being a person's offspring: everyone is shitty to their moms.
So, I texted my mom: What's your least favourite thing about me? She responded: Ha ha You are Taurus stubborn
And it's true, I am. This Mother's Day, call and hug your mom, tell them you love them, and do them the greatest maternal honour of your lifetime: talking shit about you... to you.
So here's some colleagues and friends' Moms' least favourite things about them, text verbatim:
Molly, 19 "You would argue in an empty room? I've seen more strength in a wet paper bag?"
Ally, 21 "I just wish you would open up more… but I understand why you don't. Also you are my biggest investment… instead of my Ferrari."
Kendra, 21 Kendra's Mom: "You can be a little messy why" Kendra: "Wow I thought your answer would be that I'm perfect" KM: "You're not perfect, only perfect thing is Bambi. I love that dog. My least favourite thing about you is that you're not our dog."
Haley, 22 Haley's Mom: "When I call you and you text me back!!! While I'm driving" Haley: "Something about me PERSONALLY–not something I do" HM: "How you never flush the toilet"
Mac, 23 "Your proclivity with random questions… Can you tell that was papa? Thinking… Your ability to procrastinate? :/"
Miranda, 20 "u r not open to receiving my wisdom [monkey emoji]"
Mallika, 29 "Hesitance to make a decision. [worried emoji]"
Elena, 20 "Franchement mon amour, c'est que tu ne rases pas! Et pourtant je suis féministe donc ca n'a rien à voir! Mais je sais que c'est une facon de se rebeller! Voilà c'est dit… xoxox <3 <3"
English translation: "Honestly, my love, it's that you don't shave! However, I am a feminist, so that has nothing to do with it! I know it's just a way to rebel. There, I said it... Xoxox <3 <3"
Blaire, 22 "Hairy armpits lol"
Bizzy, 21 "When you hide out in your room!"
Andrea, 34 "Pestering. When you want something you pester, pester, pester until you get it. When you want something, why do you have to have it right now? And why do you have to bug me before tea?"
Alia, 29 "You don't say hello everyday. All of you"
Luca, 20 "I'm cleaning your room so… MESSY, SLOB, DIRTY, DISORGANIZED, UNORGANIZED, UNGRATEFUL, UNAPPRECIATIVE, oh, and LAZY!! Byeee" [About Sister 1]: "She says "like" after every word to the point that I don't understand what she's trying to say, and she's ALWAYS hungry." [About Sister 2]: "She is a very picky eater and too dramatic sometimes."
Jackson, 21 "I love and accept you unconditionally. I wish you were more gentle, though."
Lisa, 20 "I love everything about you! (Except the tattoos, of course. Mainly the one that looks like a ball of yarn.) ;-)"
Amanda, 28 "Well, I love you very much, the only thing I can think of is that you don't seem to consider Dad and I when you make plans."
Billy, 24 "You refuse to settle down, you're a workaholic and you have too many tattoos. I'll probably think of something else over the weekend."
Victoria, 21 "You're messy."
Shannon, 20 "Could be either the fact that you don't answer your phone and cause us to worry (i.e. when you were at the pole dancing class) or that sometimes your room gets super messy"
Robyn, 20 "Leaving empty ice cube trays in freezer and empty boxes in cupboard"
Aba, 21 "Screening me when I'm having a conversation with you"
Andres, 19 "Your disorganization/messiness/being unkempt which looks dirty. But I love you! "
Kinder, 21 "I miss you not eating meat."
Elizabeth, 26 "Perhaps impatient? Perhaps the correct word is frustrated with idiots so in fact you have no patience for idiots like some of the ppl at work?"
Lauren, 20 "Your spontaneous combustion."
Natalie, 30 "I hate that you never call me back or that you are so hard to get a hold of. I'm going to get my hair done because your niece is in a play where she is playing a puppet."
Isabel, 25 "Being lazy. Kuripot!"
Vincent, 22 "It's too early. Let me think about it." [5 hours later] "You don't keep your promises."
Saige, 21 "Hmm, probably the quality we share of being very logical. Not enough whimsy"
Carly, 21 "Your lack of confidence is my least favorite thing about you."
Jill, 25 "The fact that you don't seem to care about some basic things that are like basics to me… like cleaning your shoes, wearing clean shoes, buying new shoes when your old ones are worn out…;)"
Sarah, 30 "Your strong need for purseless spontaneity and love of the colour grey :)"
Manisha, 29 "Oh, :( Is it a habit such as smoking"
Holly, 22 "Alarmingly fond of turkey!"
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