There are few groups of people in the world more annoying than militant vegans. I mean, sure: there is a good argument to be made that meat really is murder, that our appetite for it is destroying the planet, and that our routinized, industrial butchery of animals is the psychic foundation of man’s inhumanity to man and the whole bloody hierarchy of human violence. But also: meat is delicious, and people don’t want to be bummed out about things they like. Plus, as a universal rule, no one fucking cares about your diet.
Ironically, more annoying than militant vegans are the people who get off on very lightly trolling them. Enter Canadian Youtuber “Pathetic Millennial,” who set up a BBQ across the street from an animal rights protest outside Fearman’s slaughterhouse. (Literally FEARMAN’S SLAUGHTERHOUSE, folks.)
While animal activists held up some trucks filled with pigs in order to “bear witness... and [give] love” to the doomed creatures, the Pathetic Millennial and his unnamed female collaborator set up a small grill and started cooking hot dogs. Complete with matching “Make Trudeau A Drama Teacher Again” hats, they offered free dogs to Fearman’s workers and any sympathetic passers-by.
(Shout-out to the guy in the giant truck gushing his praise as he took is free hot dog; I wish I was as excited about anything as that guy is about getting colon cancer to own the libs.)
Maybe it’s because this takes place in Canada where everyone prefers their aggression to simmer passively forever like a poison stew, but there’s not a whole lot of action for a 2018 political troll-off. The Pathetic Millennial was kind enough to approach the protestors and offer them a hot dog, but he scurried away when one especially humourless activist threatened to call the cops. (When the police on scene refused a free hotdog, our hero lands his one punchline in seven minutes as he observes that cannibalism is wrong.) Otherwise, when one vegan protester approaches the grill to inform them that hot dogs are disgusting, the only joke we get is the Pathetic Millennial whispering “she’s ruining our BBQ” to the camera. For a sendup of a vegan protest, this video doesn’t have a lot of meat on its bones.
After giving away approximately three weiners, our hero chugs some melted icewater out of his cooler and decides to call it a day. He lets the vegans know he’s leaving to go to work and is visibly overjoyed when someone across the street calls him a fascist. And that’s a wrap, folks: the Pathetic Millennial has learned his lesson and vows never to be nice to anyone again. Heh.
Look: even if you can’t respect the content, you have to respect the hustle. Becoming the next Tom Green nearly 20 years after his last moment of cultural relevance is not an ambition for the faint of heart. Especially now that every other aspiring troll has a platform, an audience, an infinite capacity for self-abasement, and a dream. Even the vegan trolling game has a bar to meet: like carving a fucking deer in your storefront window while protesters outside get insanely mad. In the eternal struggle between Carelords and Edgelords, the contrarian needs to cut the actual edge without Trying Too Hard. Anything short just comes off as sad.
“Pathetic Millennial” is admittedly great branding. But I’m still not totally sure it’s a perfect fit. Hack Youtube comedian is very on-brand for pathetic millennials. But it doesn’t even touch writing an article about one.
Follow Drew Brown on Twitter.
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