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Sorry Australia, Our Steers Are Bigger

Crikey! Everything is bigger in Canada.
Two cows. The Canadian one is bigger.
Photos via Facebook and emojipedia. 

For a lot of us here in the Great White North, we consider Australia like Canada Down There, or Warm Canada if you will.

The camaraderie between the two countries isn’t very weird when you think about it. Our people are similar, nice hard workin’ folks who enjoy a beer; our economies are similar, heavily focused on mining and commodity exports and other things that ruin the planet; and our history is similar, relatively new countries that more or less started out as English colonies—and we both have a very troubling past for human rights abuses against Indigenous population (not all the similarities have to be fun.)

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However, in Canada, compared to Upside Down Canada (Australia) we’re, shall we say, bigger. A lot bigger. We’re a bigger country in terms of both girth and length and we have a larger population. Our mountains, which attract the Aussies by the millions (as least it seems that way) when they’re young, are more famous and far larger than the lowly peaks down under. Our main animal, the majestic Moose, is bigger and thicker than their main animal, the sickly kangaroo. Another thing that’s bigger up here north of the 49 is our steers—our big, throbbing, beefy steers.

That’s right, Aussies, gaze upon our bovine and tremble.

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Yeah, you may have heard of Knickers, the giant Australian cow who was too big to eat because the internet got infatuated with that subpar creature and freaked out. “It must be the biggest cow ever,” they said. “I don’t think I’ll ever see a bigger cow in my life,” others mused.

Well, one day removed from the size kings and queens freakin’ out about Knickers and I would like to introduce you to Dozer (a better name for a big steer than Knickers.) This beautiful beefy boy here, well, this boy comes in at a stunning six-foot-five inch tall—one inch taller than Knickers.

Where is your god now? WHERE. IS. YOUR. AUSTRALIAN. GOD?!?!

Dozer, you see, was born in Alberta and was going to become what most cows in Alberta become—tasty, tasty meat. But he was discovered five years ago by Kismet Farm owner Rebecca Hanuschu who purchased the boy (who was only a year then) and brought him to her farm/sanctuary in Manitoba. Over the years, Dozer, without fear of becoming a steak or brisket, just kept growing, and growing, and growing. He’s now six, well older than most cows, and is expected to just keep getting bigger.

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Thicc. Photo via Facebook.

Quick aside for those of you 4H nerds writing me an email right now: I know there is a difference between a cow (female), steer (neutered male), and bull (breeding male) but, I’m writing for the masses, not you farm nerds, so I’m using cow colloquially. Please don’t send me hate mail over an article about a big ungulate. Ok, moving on.

Upon seeing the virality of the lesser Australian cow, Kismet farm posted about the boy and it kinda blew up domestically. On Wednesday, the farm measured Dozer and found he was, you know, bigger. Now, if you’re asking ‘why, oh why, did you Canucks wait till after the Australians were celebrating to announce you have a bigger cow’? Well, we’re just used to everything being so big up here, it’s no real big deal to us, unlike the Australians who see something big and freak out.

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That’s a good fucking boy, right there. Photo via Facebook.

According to Karl Schoenrock, also with Kismet Farms, Dozer doesn’t just tower over other cows (the thing everyone was SOOOOOO impressed about with Knickers) but towers over horses and everything at the farm like a proper big boy should.

“Everybody is pretty much smaller than Dozer. Even our horses and everything else, nothing compares,” Schoenrock told CTV.

Now, being such a big beefy boy isn’t that good for our man, Dozer as he has tendon issues from keeping up that big Australian beatin’ frame of his. But, as we’re all aware, sacrifices need to be made for victories. That’s what Dozer is doing for us, he’s putting his body on the line so the Australians know their place in the world—slightly behind the Canadians.

So, with that in mind, I think it’s only fair that us Canadians get to eat Knickers. Please send him over to us at your earliest convenience, Aussies. I mean, he won’t taste as good as Alberta beef but this is about more than just that. This is about the history books. Hell, maybe we’ll feed some of Knickers to Dozer—who knows, it could make him even bigger.

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