What a garbage year 2017 was. Our democracy is in shambles. New assaults on the humanity of anyone who isn’t a rich white man with quivering jowls come seemingly by the hour. We're all sad and mad and tired all the time. It’s hard to make sense of this fresh hell that is our world now. Naturally, Americans flocked to our Google overlords to try to reach some semblance of understanding. The internet monolith recently released its annual Year in Search data, and it gives some clue as to what a downer year it was.
Americans were wildy Googling information on the latest natural disaster or mass shooting, cuz I guess we had a few of those this year or something?? And given the famous faces falling like rapey dominos on a daily basis, it should come as no shock that the top 10 Googled people of 2017 were all sexual predators, the women they preyed upon, or Kathy Griffin.
Surprisingly, “how to gouge out your eyes and ears with a butter knife so you can no longer see or hear the news” is not one of the top trending searches for 2017. Instead the most frequently asked “how to” and “what is” queries point to an America in desperate need of relief. For instance, the most Googled “how to” question of 2017 was “how to make slime,” and not “how to survive a nuclear blast.” "How to escape my boss’ office after he pulls out his dick and uses the secret button under his desk to lock the doors?” inexplicably didn't make the cut either.
Here are the rest of the questions America asked Google most. I will answer as many as I can. I take no joy in this task.
What is DACA?
DACA is short for “Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals,” an immigration policy put into place by President Obama in 2012. It allowed undocumented immigrants who were brought into the U.S. as children to obtain a work permit and a renewable two-year “deferred action,” or stay, on any deportation proceedings. Essentially, it prevented young people from being deported back to countries they may not have been to since they were babies, and allowed them a (slightly) easier path to citizenship.
On September 5, 2017, the Trump administration—via deranged Keebler elf Jeff Sessions—repealed DACA and claimed the policy encouraged lawbreaking and brought down wages for American citizens (it doesn’t, but OK). The 800,000 people currently enrolled in the program will remain under DACA protection from deportation until March 5, 2018, when, according to a White House memo, they should “prepare for and arrange their departure from the United States” unless Congress gets tired of taking stuff away from poor people and takes a stab at voting on an alternative.
What is Net Neutrality?
The video above gives a great rundown of all the net neutrality mess. It also helps explain another, arguably more pressing question, one that somehow didn't make Google's list: "Why is Ajit Pai's face so goddamn punchable?"
How to buy Bitcoin?
Go to Bitcoin.com and choose an exchange on their Buy Bitcoin page. Then follow the instructions and use your hard-earned dollars to purchase a fraction of one made-up internet coin, which will likely decrease in value over the next few months and leave you with nothing to show for your efforts. Make sure to tell your bank before you do this or they’ll assume some nerd stole your credit card.
How to make slime?
Mix together Elmer’s glue, borax, water and green food colouring in a large whiskey barrel. Climb inside, taking care to completely submerge your head. Breath in the slime and die slowly as the heavy, sticky substance fills your lungs. Repeat if necessary.
What is the Paris Climate Agreement?
An international pact between literally every major country on Earth—except the United States—to help combat the effects of climate change by curbing greenhouse gas emissions.
What is ANTIFA?
Depending on who you ask, ANTIFA is either a group of covert super-soldiers who are actively working to overthrow democracy and install Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton as respective king and queen of a new communist dystopia, or a small splinter of radical leftists who are OK with punching Nazis.
What is a solar eclipse?
When a powerful witch is scorned, she brews a potion using the blood of a freshly-skinned calf and the sap of an ageless tree, and appeals to the moon to do her bidding. The moon, wary of falling too far under the command of the witch, tries to flee, but is thwarted in its flight by the witch’s particular friend, a burning ball of gas we humans call “the sun.” The sun blocks the moon’s path, and in the process, all light on Earth is extinguished for a few, brief minutes. When the moon has agreed to serve the witch until the end of time, the sun floats away from the moon’s shadow, bringing light back to the cold, dark planet. Or something.
How to freeze your credit?
If you were one of the 145.5 million Americans whose personal data was breached when hackers broke into the Equifax database this summer, you might wanna freeze your credit. This will prevent the three major credit bureaus (Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian) from releasing your credit report to anyone, so if someone tries to use your SSN fraudulently, they’ll be denied.
The process of freezing your credit is pretty simple, if not kind of annoying. If you decide you want to do it, you can contact all three major credit bureaus online. Keep in mind it may cost $5 to $10 per freeze depending on where you live, because why SHOULDN’T you, the victim of a crime, have to pay to prevent being further victimized?? Also, every time you want to apply for a new credit card, new apartment or open a new utility account, you’ll have to manually unfreeze all three of your reports or you’ll be automatically denied. That costs money too! I DUNNO WELCOME TO LATE CAPITALISM, Y’ALL!
How to cook a turkey in the oven?
What is the Antikythera mechanism?
You guys, we found this fucking thing in 1902, why is this rusty Grecian crank still making headlines after 115 years? Contrary to what your crazy cousin Brian thinks, the Antikythera mechanism is not surefire proof of ancient aliens. It’s just a 2,000-year-old crank-powered astronomical calculator that could predict eclipses and chart the movement of the planets and do equations and shit. Why is it so hard for people to believe that ancient civilizations might have had a few pieces of rudimentary technology at their disposal? In the past 30 years we’ve figured out how to replicate the concept of cross-planet telepathy and put all of human knowledge into a device that fits in our hands. But sure, the idea that the Greeks might have built a calculator is pretty wild.
What is covfefe?
I’m going to defer to Urban Dictionary for this one:
What is a hurricane?
How to make a fidget spinner?
Why would you ever want to MAKE a fidget spinner??? They cost like $2. If THIS is what people have been Googling no wonder we almost elected an alleged pedophile to the senate. What a stupid year.
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